Prepare yourself bitches

This is a question I get a lot? Do you REALLY cook EVERY night? Hell no. I have a life people. I've got fancy parties to go to, fly to Spain for the weekend and return Tiger's 47 phone calls. So, that's why I prepare in advance just in case my friend Sasha calls and says "Hey bitch, I ain't workin' tonight, I'm coming over for dinner." And I'll be all "Hells yeah! Let me pull something out of my ass and throw it on the table."

Shit you're gonna need:

Ground beef (I don't give a shit if you use 80/20, 70/30 or even ground turkey. Your arteries, your choice. For this demonstration I used 80/20 because I fully believe that the whole artery clogging drama is made up and also, the shit was on sale)

Onion (I'm gonna side track you a little here and explain something. I am deathly allergic to onions. They turn my hands red when I chop them and they do things to my body that I would never ever want to explain to you. Why the hell do I use them you ask? Because the hubs loves them. And I love my hubs, so you do the math.)

You'll need a little olive oil too.

Shit you're gonna do:

See that big ass lime green pot below? That's my pride and joy right there bitches. That's my LeCreuset. If you ever have the opportunity to take out a second mortgage to buy yourself one of these, I highly recommend you do so. Or you can do what I did...remind your hubs that you birthed two of his children which hurt like a mother effer and let him feel bad enough that he buys you one for your birthday. That's right. That's the secret to a happy marriage. Guilt. But I digress...

You'll see up there that I've got two pounds of glorious raw hamburger meat ready to rub on my ass, or at least that's where it goes after I eat it. What I'm gonna do here is brown this shit up, equally separate it into two freezer bags and throw it in the freezer. That way, when Sasha calls, I can produce. 'Cause that's the kind of friend I am. So, heat up the pot or saute pan or whatever and put in some olive oil. While that's heating up, chop up your onion. Nothing fancy here people, trust me. I'm the shittiest onion dicer EVER. Shit gets on the floor, all over my pants and my hands turn red. Actually, it doesn't matter what the hell I chop, it's just shitty. Julia Child would smack my ass with a baseball bat if she saw how I cut shit up. I've watched the food network, seen videos on youtube and I STILL can't chop shit. I blame my doll sized hands. But whatever. Just chop it up, put it in the pan and saute for about a minute. Then put in your raw cow (oh yeah, I went there) and brown that shit up. When it's done, your house will smell like you've been cooking for days even though you went shoe shopping with leftover grocery money. Not that I do that or anything, I'm just sayin'.

Once it's cooked, drain the meat (sounds dirty) and let that shit cool. Let me stress this point again, LET THE SHIT COOL. Then separate and put in freezer bags and put in the freezer. Now, I split this up into two bags because I have a family of four. But if your the Duggar Family, this will only feed 1/18th of your family, so you mine as well just give up. But if you're my friend "J", she has four kids (two are twins) and a husband, so she'll need this shit in one bag. Two pounds doesn't go that far. God Bless that girl. She's my hero. She makes me feel like a lazy asshole with the way she runs her house. It's fucking awesome to see her in action. But anyhoo...I'll be honest here (but aren't I always with you?), I leave one bag in the fridge and one in the freezer, cuz I know I'll use the one bag in the next three days. This way, when it comes to feeding my family's pie hole, it's less dishes and I won't lose again on the rock, paper, scissors game with the hubs on who does the damn dishes.

So...that's how I prepare myself bitches.

Btw, I'll post a few recipes on what to do with this shit now that you've cooked it. It might not be today or tomorrow, but keep your panties on, I'll get it for you.