Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tiny ass pan. It's the only thing "tiny" that I have.

I suck a big fat piece of ass when it comes to frying eggs.  I know what you're saying, "How can you write a cookbook but not know how to fry an egg?"  Well...shut up.  I'm not good at everything (just don't tell my kids.)  But while the Hubster and I were visiting Danielle (D2) in Virginia a few weeks back, she pulled out this fancy pan that cooks eggs perfectly.  While I've seen said pan in the store, I always thought, "That is such bullshit.  Why the hell would you buy that to fry just one egg."  After Danielle bitch slapped me, she showed me how it worked and I couldn't have been more thankful than when we went behind my mother's back and she showed me how to shave my legs at 12 years old.  And yes, that was living on the edge back in the 80's.  Fucking rebels.

So, I used the pan for the first time this morning.  (Sidebar: Hubster has no idea I have purchased said pan until he reads this post.  Again, I'm a fucking rebel I tell ya.)

It was extremely easy to use - easy to flip the the egg (as long as you use Kitchen KY with it) - and most definitely easy to slide that bitch right on top of a semi-completed breakfast sandwich.  So, while I'm not an advocate for buying shit that you won't use more than once a year or that you can only use for one thing, I highly recommend this tiny ass $5 pan.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


God Bless America.  I love pumpkin flavored anything.  Which is COMPLETELY opposite of Danielle (D2) - she hates pumpkin...and cinnamon...and birds...and assholes.  But me?  I'm the Bubba Gump of the pumpkin world.  Pumpkin bread, pumpkin soup, pumpkin french toast, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin fluff get the picture.  So, when I came across pumpkin spice marshmallows, you bet your ass I rushed home to make rice krispy treats with them.  Hooooooooly shit.  Winner!  Those little bastards got devoured in less time than it takes for a hooker to notice a Mercedes on her block.

Shit you're gonna need:
1 bag of pumpkin spicemallows (spicemallows...ha!  Nice marketing there, Kraft)
3 tablespoons of butter (and'll see why - keep your BVD's on.)
5 cups of Rice Krisipies, or Crispy Rice, or whatever resembles a snap, crackle, pop
Kitchen KY (non stick cooking spray)
9x9 pan (If you want thicker treats, use an 8x8 pan.  I don't like to use 9x13 because they come out too thin.  Thin is never good.  Can I get an amen, ladies?)

Shit you're gonna do:
Melt your three tablespoons of butter in a large saucepan over medium heat.  A pan big enough that you'd probably make chili in.  Not gigantic, but roomy.  Once they're allllllllmost completely melted, add in your pumpkin mallows.  Please, ya'll, don't eat any.  I know it's tempting, but it really will fuck up your measurements.  We like to GET fucked up - not fuck things up.

Once your mallows and butter are melted together, remove your pan from the heat and stir in your rice krispies.  Here's a little tricky poo that I like to do when I'm stirring these...I like to spray both sides of the spatula with a little kitchen ky to keep things from sticking.  If you've ever made these before, you know that once that spatula hits the mallows and the rice krispies it makes one big clump while you're trying to stir.  No bueno.

Spray down the pan that you'll be using so they're easier to get out once they cool.  Trust me on this one - AND it makes it easier to clean.  Unless you're like me where you're all "Oh, I'll just leave these to soak overnight." which means "I'm a lazy asshole and don't feel like washing dishes."

Now that your pan is sprayed down and your mix is all stirred and combined, dump the mix into the pan.  Here's another trick up my sleeve.  It's pretty fucking hard to get the treats flat and tightly pressed using your hands, yes?  So, I take the back of a large spoon and rub it in butter and then use that to press down the rice krispies into the pan.  You'll have to keep going back for more butter - but more butter never hurt anyone, right?  Right.  Also, that butter will melt down into your treats for a little added flavor.  Leave it to me to find a way to put more butter into something.

This is before I use the spoon...

And this is after.  See?  Nice and flat and even.  Bravo!

Now, let them cool, cut one out for your husband and THEN ask for a new pair of Tory Burch ballet flats.  He won't say no.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

BACON and scallops

Scallops.  Fucking gross.  Well, that’s what I used to say.  Actually, when offered I would say “Um. No thanks; it’s a ‘texture’ thing. You understand? Yes?”  I was such an asshole.  I’d never even tried one. Until I met the Hubster.  He took me to dinner one night when we were first dating and he ordered mussels and scallops as an appetizer.  Omg.  I almost died.  Mussels looked like the skin flab of raw chicken and the scallops, omg.  What was I gonna do?  Well, I wanted to get laid, so I popped those fuckers in my pie hole and took a chance (and omg, my dad just read that.)  And guess what my bitches?  I LOVED ‘em.  I mean, I think I ordered a meal with them in it.  So. Freaking. Good.  And the rest is history.

So, the Hubster and I decided to grill our own and here’s the story (cue dramatic music here.)

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb. of Scallops (We used the ones that are in the frozen food section that you thaw out in the bag.  But don’t be shaking a judgmental finger at me; I don’t judge you when you use turkey meat instead of ground round because your balls haven’t dropped yet, so get over it.)

½ pound of bacon (We used the thick, center cut bacon.  I think the other shit just falls apart too easily.  And let’s just be honest here, ladies – thicker is better.  Always.  Can I get an amen?)

Soy sauce (You can see below that we used the low sodium stuff.  It wasn’t by choice; I guess I just picked the wrong bottle when I bought it.  I’m not necessarily concerned about my sodium intake.  What I SHOULD be concerned with is the size of my liver.  But moving on…)

Toothpicks (You could also use a skewer and get about four or five on and make it easier to turn them on the grill.  But of course we didn’t think about that until AFTERwards.  Ain’t THAT some shit.  But, if you do end up using skewers and they’re the wooden/bamboo, make sure you soak them in water for about an hour before you use them.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

You’ll need to cut the bacon lengthwise because the bacon is too wide for height of the scallop.  So, you’ll be able to use one piece of bacon for two scallops.  Make sense?  Gawd, I hope so.

Once the bacon is cut, you’ll just wrap the bacon around the scallop and secure with a toothpick.  Or if you’re a bad ass and using the skewer, slide about four or five of those bitches on.

Put them all in a dish that and cover with the soy sauce until they're about covered about half way up. 

Sprinkle with pepper on both sides.  You don't need salt because the soy sauce and bacon have puh-lenty of salt in them.

Let these bad boys marinade for about 10-15 minutes while you go preheat your grill.  "The soy sauce penetrates quickly." says the Hubster.  Nice, honey.  Nice.

"Honey?  How long did you grill these for?"  "I don't know.  Look at the pictures.  When they look like THAT and they're firm to the touch, they're done."  ('bout 2 to 3 minutes per side)

Hooooooly shit.  Yessssssss.   Now, shovel in your pie hole.  You're welcome.