Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Rice and Beans for Honkies

Attention white people - I have faith in you.

(disclaimer/disclosure - if you are offended by my silliness in discussing different races in this blog posting, please know that I'm totally kidding around. If you must submit a complaint please send it to lightenthefuckup@gmail.com)

I have to give you the courage and props now so that you'll even try this recipe. In all fairness, I'm 1/2 honkey, and not Puerto Rican at all--- and I can cook the shit out of some rice and beans. If I can do it, you can do it! You can also visit the Latino food aisle in the grocery store and not feel like you don't belong since you're a blonde. During this recipe, we're going to raid those Goya shelves like we were born in the Caribbean - ole'! 

For our veteran readers, or folks that know us personally - Delaina and Danielle are a match made in fucked up racial heaven. As Delaina once called out, she's the token gringa at Danielle's family get togethers and Delaina's family thinks that Danielle is that "sweet Mexican girl from middle school".

And so, that brings us to today. We're all going to channel our inner Puertorriqueños, and make a dish with fun ingredients like "sofrito" and "habichuelas rosadas". You'll finally have something in common with Sofia Vergara besides the fact that you're both humans. Unless you have fantastic jugs like Sofia, in that case - get off this blog and head directly to a bar to get free drinks. AmIRight, ladies? 

Shit your're gonna need:
  • 1 can of Goya pink beans (aka habichuelas rosadas)
  • 3/4 can of Goya tomato sauce (the little cute can, I don't know how many ounces)
  • 2 tablespoons of Goya Sofrito
  • 2 packets of Goya Sazon (con culantro y achiote) 
  • A few shakes of Goya Adobo seasoning 
  • a handful of some sort of pork product, cubed up - like a few ham slices, a couple of pieces of Canadian bacon, or some salted pork. I don't recommend using bacon. I know, BLASPHEMY!
  • Teaspoon of minced garlic
  • Some vegetable oil
  • 1 1/2 cups of white rice 
  • A big pot with a lid
Ok, here are some pictures to help you go shopping; 

 Shit you're gonna do:

First, put on some Salsa music - this will guarantee the amazing turnout of your rice and beans, pinky swear. And I don't mean some cheeseballs like Marc Anthony or Ricky Martin. I mean create a new Pandora station called "El Preso" radio and shake what your momma may not have given you. (You're welcome)

Ok, back to cooking. In a large pot, heat up some oil on medium heat and throw the sofrito and minced garlic up in there. Once it's cooked up a bit, throw in your pork product of choice and let that cook up. Shake on the adobo seasoning, and open up a packet of that Goya sazon and shake that in there as well. If your house smells like your friend Alejandra's abuela's house - you're doing this all right so far. 

Now, pour in the tomato sauce - about 3/4 of the can. I've never measured this, but if I can eyeball it so can you. Don't put the whole can in there, it'll make your dish suck. Trust me, I made that mistake once. Now pour in your can of pink beans - sludge in the can and all. 

Stir that all up and leave that on the stove to cook up for like 5-8 minutes. 

Here's where a big decision comes in - make the rice in beans in one whole pot, or make them separately. If your balls haven't dropped yet - you're basically done. Make white rice in another pot and when it's done, pour the bean mixture over it - voila!

If you've joined the ranks of being a full grown grown-up, make them together in the same pot. There's a chance that you won't get the rice to water ratio correct and you'll end up with mushy rice. If that happens, don't blame me - I didn't say I could teach you everything. 

Take that empty can that once had beans in it and fill that sucker up with uncooked white rice and pour it into the pot. Then fill that can up with water and pour that in the pot. This should be plenty of water since there is already liquid in bean mixture. If your mixture doesn't look orange enough, throw that other packet of Goya sazon in there. 

Bring to a boil, then lower the heat to low and cover that ish up. Let cook for like 25 minutes or whatever. 

If you do it right, it will look like this. 

If it looks like this, expect your honorary Latino card in the mail in 4-6 weeks. 

¡Buen provecho!