Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sausage Gravy. And a story about a tramp..oline.

Since it’s the day after Christmas and I’m filled to the fucking gills with food, I thought I’d make you long for something more. More fat and more artery clogging nonsense to fill your thighs with. God Bless everyone.

The kids got a trampoline for Christmas. And Christmas day here in sunny fucking Florida was a beautiful 75 degrees. But of course, the day AFTER Christmas it was windy and as cold as Angelina Joile’s soul. I knew it would be a feat in to get that fucking trampoline up because it was so damn crappy here. But since I had to work the next day, we HAD to get that shit up or the kids would be all up my ass about how fucking bored they are. Even though Toys R Us basically just shat in my living room, but I digress…

Sausage Gravy.

Shit you’re gonna need:
½ pound of ground sausage (I used half a package of Jimmy Dean. It’s those fat ass blunt rolled sausages that work the best, if you ask me.)
2 tablespoons of butter (I fucking ran out of butter after this. Sucked. But at least the butter gods were there to assist me in my devious attempt at getting that fucking trampoline going.)
2 tablespoons of flour (I hate the smell of that shit.)
‘Bout 1 ½ cups of milk (You may need more if you like your gravy creamier. Again, double meaning there.)
Salt and Pepper

Shit you’re gonna do:
I used my iron skillet, but any skillet will do. Don’t beat yourself up about it there Mike Tyson. But go ahead and brown up your sausage. Once it’s browned, you’ll notice that it doesn’t necessarily render a lot of fat, so we’re gonna have to add our own. Drop in your two tablespoons of butter and then your flour. Now, since flour tastes like shit (and smells like shit too), let this crap cook for about a minute. Then start adding your milk. I add about ½ cup at a time whisking the hell out of it to get those little bits of sausage goodness into your sauce. It’ll thicken; then add more milk. Keep doing that until you get the consistency you want and then salt and pepper the shit out of this until your arteries are happy.

Seriously – you’re fucking done. That’s it. Pour this shit over biscuits…homemade or canned, I don’t give a rat’s ass…and then stand with your back to a mirror and watch your ass grow.

I’m now off to put the “tramp” in trampoline…

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Let me rephrase myself. I’m not “from” Ohio. I was born there. I was born in September and as soon as the temperature dropped to 72 degrees, my mom got the hell out of dodge. Don’t blame her one bit. It’s witch tit cold up there.

What is a buckeye? I think it ‘s a nut. From a tree. Which is pretty close to describing myself.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 cups of peanut butter (I used creamy. Isn’t creamy always better?)

½ stick of butter, softened (Take your finger, poke it in the fattest part of your ass and that’s how soft the butter should be. Good rule of thumb there.)

3 ¾ cups of powdered sugar (You don’t have to sift it. Seriously, I don’t want to dirty another dish, nor do I give a shit if there’s lumps. And yes, I know it’s a lot of powdered sugar, but really? Do you care? Didn’t think so.)

12 oz. bag of semi sweet morsels (I used generic and I used the mini ones. They melt faster, kinda like the ice in my vodka when it’s a 127 degrees here in July.)

2 tbs of vegetable shortening (It’s crisco smart guy.)

Other shit you’ll need to get out:

Baking sheet

Wax paper

Shit you’re gonna do:

Beat together your peanut butter and butter. Yeah, I said “beat”, moving on…once it’s combined you need to slowly add your powdered sugar. Believe me when I tell you to do it slowly. Add a little at a time. Because when I first read that way back when I didn’t know shit, I dumped all of it in and let it fly. Literally. And trust me; powdered sugar on the floor is NOT easy to clean up. (Bonus powdered sugar story right after the recipe, it’s a doozy.)

So, now you’re trying your damndest to not stick your face into the bowl of sugary goodness that you just created. You’re gonna roll this into little balls. Me? I like big balls for a couple of reasons. Let’s break that down, shall we? First, there’s a lot of this fucking mix, if I make small balls, it’ll take me more than one bottle of vino to finish. I don’t like to just stand there, playing with balls getting drunk. At least not on a Tuesday. And second, the more balls I make, the more I have to stand there and dip the bastards in chocolate. I ain’t got that kind of time. So, I made them all exactly 1 tbs each. Yes, I used a measuring spoon. Now, start rolling, lay them on your waxed paper on a baking sheet and throw those bitches in the freezer for an hour. Ooooooh snap…didn’t see that coming did you? Yeah, I’m making you wait. Girls do that.

Hop in your phone booth, bill and ted time machine and fast forward an hour. Now, before you take the balls out, melt your chocolate and shortening in the microwave. You’ll want to use a bowl that’s kind of deep so that you have enough dipping room. Start with about a minute, stir and then if you need a little more, do it in 30 second increments. Then dip your balls in your chocolate but leave a little of the pb showing. That way it actually looks like a buckeye. I used a skewer which is why it looks like a nipple of some sort. Or some other falic term. Keep these little fuckers in the fridge when you’re all done. Enjoy!!

Now…the powdered sugar story. Me and D2 were latch key kids. And during our middle school years, over the summer, we were allowed to stay by ourselves. Big mistake. But out of boredom came the best experiences of my childhood and 98% of them have D2 in the story. Wouldn’t change it for the world. So, on this particular day, we decided to pretend we were smoking. We took tampons, yes, I said tampons, emptied them (which means you take out the absorbent shit inside) and put powdered sugar in it so that it would look like we were blowing smoke. Fucking idiots.

At the time, we thought we were being smart by doing it in the kitchen. Shit was all over the floor. At least we thought ahead, right? Wrong. We were like “Oh, we’ll just mop it up.” Ummmm, guess what happens when you mix water with powdered sugar? You get icing. Sticky, white, creamy icing. THAT’S what ended up all over the kitchen floor. Hours after trying numerous amounts of mopping, our keds were still sticking to the floor. And then we’re like “Oh shit, mom’s coming home in like, 10 minutes. We’re fucked.” I don’t remember much of the outcome but I do remember her mother being pissed. She’s British and I remember spitting soda out of my nose when I heard her say “It makes me so mad I could spit.” What? My mom would be all “What the hell did you do to my fucking kitchen floor?” Two moms, two different worlds.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things that make me wanna punch a crack addict.

  1. People who chew their gum like a cow. Are they trying to get an award for this shit? It’s disgusting no matter who’s chewing it or where it’s been placed after chewing. Fucking gross.
  2. Terrible mothers. I’m not a fucking angel and yes, I lose it every now and then. But come on, get a grip, you’re the only one they’ve got. Own up sister or keep your legs crossed.
  3. When I’m over the moon to try a new recipe and then realize I don’t have one ingredient. Fucking annoying.
  4. When I call someone, they don’t answer and then they immediately text back and say “what’s up?” Um. I get it if you’re in a meeting or something, but don’t text me right away. Wait an hour and then say, “Sorry, I was in a meeting discussing the budget deficit and couldn’t take your call.” Because I know your lazy ass was sitting on the couch avoiding me. Trust me asshole, I wouldn’t be calling you if I didn’t need to actually speak to your dumb ass.
  5. I hate “vague-booking”. You know those assholes that put their status as “Omg, I’m so excited!” Of course they just set you up to say “Wow, for what?” Listen douchenozzle, just say whatcha gotta say. We’re probably not reading it anyways. And if we are, we’re bored out of our fucking minds or drunk. Either way, it’s annoying as hell.
  6. People that give me a dirty look when I lay coupons on the counter for the cashier. Look princess, I’ve got 932 items on the belt, six or seven coupons isn’t gonna break your day. You saw that when you walked up, you pretentious little twat. If you’re in that much of a hurry to buy your KY 20 minute battery operated cock ring, use the customer service counter so I don’t laugh at you for not actually going to an adult superstore.
  7. Annoying hookers who wear high heels that first, don’t fit, and second make them walk like they just got gang banged by WWE wrestlers. You obviously didn’t pay much for the cheap ass dress you’re sort of wearing, so spend the money on some heels that don’t make you look like a dog trying to walk on two paws.
  8. People who hold one glass of wine for an hour. “Are you going to drink that? No? Then I will.” Let’s not waste it people. There’s starving people in Africa wanting to get drunk.
  9. Crossing guards who help another crossing guard cross the street. I swear I see this dumb move once a week when I head to carpool. It’s not like two bright orange vests are gonna make me slow down any more than one, so just hurry up there jumpin’ jack flash.
  10. When I leave the house phone off the hook and it’s dead when I try to use it. Why don’t I just put it back on the charger after I use it? Because sometimes, even though I’m perfect, I fuck up every now and then and become lazy as shit. Just like right now while I’m writing all this fucking nonsense.