Thursday, February 11, 2010

Brat-wurst, not Brought-wurst

You’re a pansy if you say “brought-wurst”. And your name is probably Duncan and you attend chess matches in your spare time.

Shit you’re gonna need:

An onion (as some of you know, yes, I’m allergic, but yes, there’s these new pair of boots I saw at DSW, so I’m gonna put onions in this shit so the hubs doesn’t think twice about paying for them)

A green pepper (my momma-seeta used to chop these up and serve them with ranch dressing. I like to call that redneck crudités)

3 tablespoons of butter (are ya’ll seeing a pattern here with butter? Buy that shit and bathe in it, it’s worth it)

Brat-wurst (I buy the pack that’s already cooked and look like giant thick ass hot dogs. I’m lazy, that’s why)

Hoagie rolls

Shit you’re gonna do:

Let’s start by cutting up the veggies. Again, a little recap...I’m the shittiest food cutter/chopper/slicer ever in the history of choppy choppiness. I watch Giada do it all the time, but honestly, all I can do is stare at her cleavage. Really, I learn nothing. So, you’re just gonna have to slice these up the best way you know how. I’m no help here.

After the veggies are sliced, melt only two tablespoons of butter…”But you said 3 tablespoons!!!” I know dumbass – hold on, I’ll get there. Geez. So, when you see that yellowey goodness all melted and heavenly like, throw in your sliced veggies. Stir those bitches around for a few minutes. When the hubs comes over and hovers over the stove with his mouth hanging open and peeking down my shirt, I know it’s time for that last tablespoon of butter. Throw it in and stir all this drama around and keep letting it cook for a smidge more. If you’re dangerous, like adventure and enjoy long walks on the beach, you might want to throw in a little salt and pepper here. If you’re a cliff diver and say the F word in front of your mother, then you can use a little steak seasoning as well. But you use what works for your taste buds. Bud. What a funny word. I sound like Fat Albert when I say it. Gotta drop my voice real low and stick my belly out to say it. But you do what makes you happy.

While those fabulous veggies are a cookin’, use another pan to heat up about an inch of water. Throw in your thick ass brats and hold it to a simmer for ‘bout 10 minutes. “Wow, that’s a great idea, how did you ever figure that out?” I read the directions on the package. Fucking brilliant. I will now run for President.

So, by now, your veggies are cooked, your brats are cooked, your wine glass is empty, so it must be time to eat. Slice open your rolls, spread some butter on those bastards and toast ‘em under the broiler. PAY ATTENTION – those fuckers will burn. Quick.

Assemble your samich, open mouth, insert food. Repeat until you either burp or let one rip. Enjoy.


  1. I love me some BRATS!!
    This is exactly how I make mine (onions and all)!!! XD Guess I read the package at one point too...

    BTW.. have you ever noticed how big Giaddas head is in comparison to her body? This might momentarily distract you from her cleavage... but then you might find yourself measuring head to boob ratio...

  2. I say BROUGHT-wurst... but I lived in Germany so that's why.

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  4. I'm an uneducated redneck. If I say "brought", they'll think I'm a snob with a good paying job at 7-11.

  5. Oh yes Lea, I've totally noticed the noggin/body ratio debacle. It fascinates me. So, between her cleavage, her head and the fact that she pronounces all the Italian words with pizazz...I'm hooked.