Friday, January 29, 2010

Cocktail recipe *hiccup*

Here's your *hiccup* cocktail recipe for today...

Shit you'll need:
Vodka (any flavor, seriously.)
Anything goes with vodka (even your kids' juice box will work, just sayin')

Shit you're gonna do:
Fill glass with ice, then fill with 3/4 of vodka. Mix what ever the hell you want with it. Enjoy. Get plastered people. Life's short.

You know what...fuck it...just take a shot.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Cubed Steak with Tomatoes N' Shit

What the fuck is up with meat and gravy that makes my mouth water and my ass expand? I come from a long line of redneck women who can snap the neck of a live chicken and have dinner on the table before Tiger can make another panic phone call to another mistress (too soon?). Bitches knew how to cook. I strive to live up to my heritage and knowing what the hell to do with gizzards. Not really. I effing hate gizzards. But sho 'nuff, someone will ask me, "Did you save me the innards?". WTF?

Shit you're gonna need:
Cube Steak (duh) (get about 3 to 4 pieces)
Can of diced tomatoes (you bitches know I bought the generic, right?)
One tomato, sliced (don't cut yourself dumbasses)
Sliced cheese (I used over processed swiss, but you buy what you want)
A smidge of dried oregano and dried basil (no, not fresh, because I don't buy fresh, although my friend "A" grows that shit in her yard, I ain't got time for that. I got laundry to fold and excuses to come up with for not answering a text that someone sent me.)
1 teaspoon of sugar
1 teaspoon of salt
pepper if you're feeling spicy
1 tablespoon of butter
Shit you're gonna do:
Heat a skillet to medium heat. I have an electric stove. If you have gas, figure it out. Season your steaks with salt and pepper and throw those bitches in your hot pan. Wait about 4 minutes, which coincidentally is the exact amount of time it takes me to pour a lemon citron vodka and sprite, go figure.
After you've, *hiccup*, waited 4 minutes, flip those bad boys.
Is it just me, or does the one on the left look like Africa? So, let those little continents cook for another 4 minutes until they're done how you like. Apparently, the hubs told me that I cooked them too long. Mother fucker...guess who had to do the dishes...for a week?

Now, once your steaks are cooked (is it really fair to call these things "steaks", no? I didn't think so), you're gonna take the hot bitches out of the pan and set them aside. Throw a slab of butter, (mmmmm butter), in the pan. And when I say slab, I mean a tablespoon. Put in the salt, pepper and...whatever the hell else I said up there. I'm too lazy to look. Wait, shit, no. Hold on a second. I just meant the freakin' seasonings. Who's the dumbass now, eh? So, stir this shit around until it thickens...and yes dumbass, you can use a little Wundra to thicken it up if you can't keep your panties on long enough to wait for it to thicken itself. But whatever.

So, once it Ron Jeremy thickens, put the steaks back in, and lay on the tomato. Yes, I said Ron Jeremy and the word "lay" in the same sentence you dirty little monkey. Okay, what did I just say? Oh, okay...lay in the steaks, put on a slice of tomato and then the swiss cheese. Jizzle on the basil and oregano, put on a top and let those mother effers steam. Wait until that swiss starts to melt like a turd on a hot summer day. Not like I know what that looks like or anything, I'm just thinking that would be what that consistency would look like. But let's move on...

Look. There's my cheap ass pan that I only cook pancakes on. I've worn that bitch in like a hooker in a pair of cheap heels.

Now, the picture below isn't melted, because one of the kids ran through the kitchen telling me that the world was gonna end because his brother won't give him the ball back that he was playing with. Where is this kids father? Can't he handle this shit right now, I'm busy.
So, okay, here it is...Cubed Steak with Tomatoes N' Shit. Hopefully nobody will complain. But if they do, they'll probably complain that there isn't enough salt like someone ELSE I know. *cough, cough*, I can't imagine who that might be. Btw, did anyone notice that I used the word "jizzle" up there somewhere? Just keepin' ya' on your toes.

Hey People of Earth - its me again. (D2)

So my good (skinny) friend D1 has allowed me to just come right on in here and post my own fucking recipes. To tell you the truth, I think that bitch is too lazy to copy and paste my shit - but whatever. OR, she's busy mom-ing 2 boys, being a wife, cooking the shit outta some dinners, making some fucking scarfs for some fancy ass boutique or baking up some goodness. I think she just pretends to be busy, but whatever - that's just me. All I know is, I've know that bitch nearly all my life and she's always been skinny and still eats all the time. God is so unfair sometimes. She's so lucky I like her or I would've kicked her ass again like I did once when we went to summer camp when we were 12. Ask her, she'll tell you.

ANYway - I do have a recipe so let me shut my pie hole and get to it.... one more thing, if I don't format this shit like she does - get over it and worry about something way more important. Like what was on Ellen today.

Panty-Dropping Tree Bark

This shit is ridiculously good and I ain’t lying. And it’s easy to make unless you’re a dumbass. And once you have one bite of it, you won’t be able to stop eating it. It will make you fat, but fuck it – I mean we only live once right? And if you’re a size 2 and you complain about eating butter – go screw yourself you skinny biotch. Make this shit and don’t even share it with anyone, it’s that good. Here’s the other thing, don’t let your kids see you make it because they’ll be all like, “mom those are weird ingredients for a dessert” and you will have to restrain yourself from telling them to mind their own fucking business. So when you have some time to yourself, make yourself some tree bark, eat the whole lot and then stick our finger down your throat. Just kidding, not really.

Shit you’ll need:
Start off with a cookie sheet. You can also use one of those disposable metal tin thingys that you take to someone’s house when you have to bring a dish, you know the one's that you use so you don’t ever have to see them again in case there are leftovers, - you know what I’m talking about.

1 sleeve of saltine crackers. Yes, I said saltines – now go and get some. And no I don’t think it matters what brand or if they’re generic from your grocery store or if they’re salt-free or lightly salted or whatever other dumbass kind of saltine cracker they sell these days. Whatever kind of saltine cracker that you think you can handle, that’s the one you get. Don’t get too rowdy now.

1 cup butter. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm butter. DO NOT use margarine. I will come to your house and punch you in the throat for ruining my dessert. Ok, go on.

1/2 cup light brown sugar. Nothing witty here, just some fucking brown sugar, k?

A bag of semisweet chocolate chips. Now listen, we all know there is a huge variety of chocolate chips out there because, as a people, we like to make shit complicated. I don’t give a shit what kind you use. Get the generic kind or even the dollar store cheap shit for all I care. You could also get the fancy Gherridelli or whatever it’s called kind and pretend you’re eating dessert in Italy. Whatever, just find some kind of chocolate that melts.

Shit you’re gonna do:
First, heat up your oven to 350 degrees. Take your cookie sheet or cheap ass tin pan thingy and spray that shit with some cooking spray or even better, melt some butter on that shit. Take your saltines and line those fuckers up all over the tray, in rows. On the stove, melt your cup of butter (which is 2 sticks in case you didn’t know) and the brown sugar in a saucepan. Stir it a lot or that shit will stick. Keep that shit hot until it all melts and boils and shit. You’ll be able to figure out that it’s done. Congratulations, you now qualify to work for NASA. Ok, the next part is important, you gotta do the next part pretty fast b/c this shit will start cooling down and then it will all get ruined. You don’t want to be known as the knucklehead who ruined the tree bark right? Right. Ok so, pour the butter/brown sugar mixture all over the crackers you lined up on the cookie sheet. Do it fast, speed it up. Ok, now stick it in the oven for like 15 minutes, then take it back out. Then take your chocolate chips and sprinkle them all over the top of that concoction (hahaha I said cock) and make sure it’s even k? Now, wait for a minute until those little wonders to melt a little and then use some big ass spoon or spatula to spread it all around. Now let’s use our heads here people, if all the chips don’t melt enough– stick that shit back into the oven for a minute and help it out.

Once you got all that shit done, stick the whole cookie sheet in the fridge for like an hour. I know, that will be hard – but get over it. And if your fridge is too full to put a whole cookie sheet into it, then clean that shit out. After its cool, use a pizza cutter or your hands (you barbarian) and break that shit up. Now listen to me, before you take the first bite… try to be alone for this moment. Trust me, your kids will ruin it.

You’re welcome for the goodness that is panty-dropping tree bark. You may send me an FTD floral bouquet as a thank you, I’m in the book.

*** I don't know how to add in the pics into the shit I wrote up above, so enjoy them down here:

Friday, January 22, 2010

My kids won't eat shit. Part Uno.

Not that I'm a bad cook. 'Cause I'm not. I'm a mother fucking GREAT cook... most nights. But I'm absolutely positive that there's some gene out there that each kid gets that tells them to hate everything their parents cook for them (I'm sure this gene is handed down from their father, because I'M perfect). Call me crazy but if I were a kid (which I actually used to be), hell yeah I'd rather eat something that a clown with a red wig and a yellow suit is selling me than eat the shit that has names like, Brussels sprout and pork chop. Over processed chicken nuggets that come with a soda and a Shirt Tales toy is the way to go when you're nine with underdeveloped taste buds. But let's move on...

This idea comes straight from the pages of Family fun magazine. I love that effing magazine. I look at it each month and say "oh snap, we need to do that!" But yeah, only about two things get done from each issue. But anyhoo...

Shit you'll need:
Hot dogs (don't worry, I'm not gonna judge you on the shitty hot dogs you put in front of your kids. You buy whatever you want.)
Spaghetti (you need the regular kind. A friend of mine used angel sucked ass and fell apart)

Shit you're gonna do:
Boil some water. Don't use a small saucepan like I did. I had to stand there like a dumbass and keep pushing the freakin' noodles down until they were soggy enough to stay down on their own. While the water is starting to boil, cut up your hot dogs in half inch bites. Now, don't get on my ass about the size of the pieces in the picture. Just be happy there's a picture you picky ass people who are judging me. (And yes Mom...that's the knife you got me. See? I really DO use it, now get off my ass about it, love you!)

Then slide about 4 to 5 spaghetti pieces through each piece. (btw, what the hell am I wearing that's SO important that I can't push up my sleeve for you all. man, that's lazy.)

Boil for about 10 minutes or whatever your cheap ass box of spaghetti says. Drain and serve!
And honestly, I put a smidge of butter with Parmesan cheese on it for a little more flavor. They love it. Really, they do. THIS shit they'll eat!

Yo Yo Yo Mofo's! Guest blogger today! (D2)

Say hello to my leetle friend...welcome "Dani the love fanny" ya'll. (She'll shit when she reads that. HA!) Anyhoo, this recipe is written by my kick ass friend Danielle. We've been friends for 24 years and when my mom wouldn't let me shave my legs at thirteen, this is what she said "Fuck it, we're shaving your legs." And THAT is when I fell in love with her. So, I'll hand it over now...tear it up girl!

Healthy/fattening Pasta, Bitches

So, I decided to get a buzz and contribute one of my most amazing recipes here on this lil lady's blog. See, me and her have been friends a long time so I'm privileged. Only because we go way back like Cadillac seats. Don't hate. She's mine and you're lucky I share her with you. Okay, anyways, the recipe I'm about to share with you is truly an original. It took me months of testing and slight modifications to perfect it. I took samples of it around the globe to be taste-tested so that the dish would the epitome of deliciousness. Eh, who am I kidding? I got this shit from the back of a Barilla pasta box, no shit. It's the perfect combination of a little bit healthy and a little bit fattening - enough to add just a tiny bit of cheese to those thighs. Not my thighs of course, just yours.

Let me stop for a moment and let you know that this recipe includes heavy cream and white wine. Rejoice. Ok, carry on.

Shit you'll need:

A pound of chicken breasts, cubed and cooked. Sometimes when I'm lazy I buy the already cooked grilled chicken from Costco and use that instead of cutting up slimy chicken breasts.

Box of pasta. Any kind will do really, except any kind that you need to twirl. So, I typically use penne or the bowtie kind. When I use the bowtie kind, I pretend they're tiny little men in tuxedos who want me and I get to eat them. Did I say that out loud?

A 6oz. bag of fresh spinach. Don't get lazy on me people, don't buy frozen. but mostly because I don't know how this shit will turn out with the frozen kind. So get the fresh, k? thanks.

Bottle of white wine. A 1/2 cup for the recipe; the rest for you. Drink a bottle of wine during and after this dinner and then let your husband do something new to you. You won't regret it in the morning, I promise. Oh, and tell your husband I said "you're welcome".

A cup or more of heavy cream .

Some olive oil or cooking spray.

Shit you're gonna do:

Get a pan that can fit all this shit in it. Don't ask me the size, I use this kick-ass big pan of mine and I'm sure you have one too. Figure it out. Spray the pan with cooking spray or use some EVOO to juice it up and stick in your chicken. If you're using precooked chicken, just heat it up. If you're gonna actually cook your chicken, then get to cooking already and stop asking questions. Oh, throw some salt on that shit and maybe some pepper. Even a little garlic powder if you're feeling risky. If you use fresh garlic, an extra point for you. But not really sucka - powder works too. Once that's done, pour about a half cup of wine in that shit. Then drink a glass and get a nice buzz. You back? Ok, next step. Let the wine cook with the chicken on medium heat for a few minutes. Then open the bag of fresh spinach and pile that shit in there. If the bag says "prewashed 3 times" believe them and don't waste your time washing this shit again. You have better things to do like pour yourself another glass of wine. Then take your heavy cream and pour it over the top of the spinach. Oh yeah, put your pasta on to cook too, forgot about that shit. So let this sit for a while until your spinach wilts down. It will become almost nothing. This will be the only time today that you're cool with something wilting. But I digress. Don't get the cream too hot or it will curdle knucklehead. Use common sense, ok? So, mix that shit up for awhile and cook it on a low/medium heat. Unfortunately, the alcohol will evaporate over time. I don't know why this happens, but I will apologize for it. Finish cooking the pasta and then toss that shit together.

Now, if you make this for guests you can call it something fancy pants like "Fresh Spinach Chicken Pasta in a White Wine Cream Sauce". No one will ever know how effing easy it was and that you got wasted making it. That is unless you're a sloppy drunk. Get it together. Enjoy!

(Thank you Danielle *hiccup*, that was *hiccup*, great. Now, what did I do with that glass of wine? Oh, *hiccup*, I drank it.)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

You soooo need one of these

I'm gonna go ahead and pretend I'm on one of those infomercials that keep my insomnia at a peak high.

Do you have one of these? Is it as nasty as mine looks right now? No? Go get one.
More to come with this beauty, but here's an example of the stuff that comes out of this bad boy!
Pancakes (easier for kids to dip in syrup)
Scrambled eggs (easier for kids to eat - way less messy than scrambled eggs)
Cake mix
Corn muffins

The list goes on...but let's start with brownie mix.

Get yourself a cheap ass box of brownie mix. Mix it according to the directions. Preheat your sandwich maker. Now...why in the hell would we let a plain 'ol brownie be baked alone? I won't do it. I won't hear of it. So, now go looking for anything to put in those brownies! Grab the mini-resse cups, m&m's and hershey bars that you have stashed under your granny panties in your dresser and get ready to drool. We 'bout to tear up some brownie mix! You gotta use non-stick spray on this mofo every time you get ready to put more batter in, so spray it down and pour in your mix. Put a few of those candies in the middle of that chocolatey goodness and close the top. Your machine might be different than mine, but this takes about 8 minutes for me. Now, think about this. You've got fresh hot brownies without heating up your oven and your kitchen and I promise you, your kids will dig these. Just make sure you put them on top of ice cream with whipped cream!!!! And that's're done. Now go make yourself an amaretto sour. Cheers!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Effing Mashed Potatoes

If I see one more person put milk in mashed potatoes, I'll lose it. Seriously. Don't put milk in your effing mashed potatoes people. Please. Get past any fear you have over heavy cream and join me on a thigh expanding adventure with some effing mashed potatoes, shall we?

Shit you'll need:
Red potatoes
(I think these work best and the best way to figure out how many you'll need is this...if you're serving four people, just think that they'll eat 2 potatoes each so use 8. But if you're like me, you'll eat the middle of the night. Forget I said that - I don't really do that. Yes I do. If you're confused on the math here it's 4x2=8. My algebra teacher will be proud. Even though the witch failed me. It's not her fault, it's mine. But no it's not.)

Stick of unsalted butter
(or you know what, use salted if you want. I'm just trying to save your friggin' arteries here people. No, I'm not. I just always buy unsalted because of all the baking I try to talk myself into.)

Whipping Cream
(And at last, we reach the point of no return. This is it mofo's...this is the kicker, here's where it gets fucking awesome. I mean amazing people...amazing. Life changing, really. doesn't sound like I'm talking about cream now does it? Or maybe it does...hmmmm.'re gonna have to eyeball this crap. If you like creamy, you'll want more, if not, hold back. You'll see what I mean, just keep your panties on...)

Uh, you're also gonna need one of those mashed potato masher thingys. You can probably get one at Dollar Tree or some cheap ass store like that; I think mine is my mother in laws (she's got the good shit. MY mom has the good cookware and yes, I steal that too. But I'm sure you can take a second mortgage out to buy one at Williams Sonoma. You might just feel better about the world if you do, so knock yourself out cowboy.)

Shit you're gonna do:
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Now let's think about this for a second. When you're filling your pot of water, keep in mind that you're going to be adding potatoes to said pot of water. The water is gonna rise. So, while the water is trying to boil (don't forget to put the lid on), let's cut the potatoes. I cut mine in one inch cubes. Here's a little rocket science for ya'...the smaller the cube, the quicker it cooks; the larger the cube, the longer you're going to have to be in the kitchen. Your choice. And please don't effing waste your time by peeling them. You're about to put these bad boys in scorching hot water. Any dirt that you might be afraid of is about to disappear. This coming from an A class self diagnosed germaphobe. So go with me on this, k? Unless you're one of "those" people who don't like skins. I happen to like them. And I can't tell you how long they're going to boil but when you stick a fork in one of them, and they're soft and sort of fall apart, they're done. For me, it takes about 15 minutes.

When they're done, strain these mofo's. And then...wait. Wait until they stop steaming before you do anything else. I can't remember why, but I'm gonna need you to believe me. So, when they stop steaming, put them back in the pot. Add half a stick of butter, about 1/4 cup of the cream, and start mashing away. You want them more creamy and smooth, keep pouring and mashing. You like chunky and dry, then take it easy on the mashing. Me? I like mine chunky AND creamy. Sounds dirty, I know. But once I've added the butter and cream, I add the other half of the butter and then a little more cream until I get to the consistency I like. Also, add salt a little bit at a time if you want salt on your mashed goodness. And honestly, that's it. Oh wait. I also add about a cup of shredded cheese. But if you're miss money bags, feel free to shred up some expensive shit. Okay, that's it. Oh wait, no it's not. You can add all kinds of stuff to doctor this up. You can add chives and sour cream. You can add parsley and italian cheese. You can add roasted garlic with parmesan. It's a never ending cycle. Let me know if you've got any other cool combos to tell us about. Cheers!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Pesto Roll-ups

Not sure how many glasses of wine were consumed when coming up with this one, but I impressed my mom with it. And folks, that's something that's close to impossible to do. I mean, I would get a phone call from Jennifer Aniston complementing me on the jeans I wore to the effing grocery store before MY mother said she liked something I cooked.

Shit you're gonna need:
1 can of crescent rolls (I really do use the generic ones and they work fine, so save yourself $0.30)
3 tablespoons of pesto (I open up the ready made kind in a jar and then use it over hot pasta the next day)
4 oz. of cream cheese, softened (that's half a package for you math wizards out there)

*side note. I NEVER remember to lay the cream cheese out to soften it on the counter. I've got other shit on my mind like resolving world peace or actually having the time to fold the damn laundry before it gets cold and wrinkled. So, I warm it in the microwave until it's soft. Sue me if you think I'm wrong here.

Shit you're gonna do:
Preheat the oven to 375. Mix together the cream cheese and pesto and put it aside. Spray a baking sheet with non-stick spray (I swear I buy that shit in bulk). Roll out the crescent rolls without ripping them. I say that because I always rip at least one and if I don't tell you not to rip one, I'm hoping you don't. And I don't want you pissed at me because you ripped one and you feel like you're the only one in the world that's ever ripped a fucking crescent triangle. You're not and I still love you. There. So, slice each triangle lengthwise down the middle so you're making one triangle into two. Spread the mixture on each triangle and starting at the big end, roll it up like a fat doobie and bake for about 18 minutes. Yes, I said "doobie" and "bake" in the same sentence.