Friday, December 21, 2012

Cheese Stick-Balls (gotta love a good stick and balls)

My friend, “L” and I were craving crescent rolls and cheese.  We wanted mother fucking cheese in an instant and had drank too much Chardonnay to even think about heading to the local pub for some nasty ass, over fried, greasy cheese sticks.   But boy did we ever try to convince someone to take us.  So, instead, we raided my fridge and found crescent rolls, VOILA!  Cheese sticks for my kids’ lunches, VOILA!  Garlic salt…pizza sauce for dipping…and mother fucking oregano.  JACKPOT! (btw, there are no pictures.  I wasn't sure how they were gonna turn out, but they came out amazing. Shoulda taken pictures.  Sorry 'bout that.)

Shit you’re gonna need: (even though I just gave you the run down of the ingredients, let’s break it down, shall we?)
1 tube of crescent rolls (aka, 8 triangles sent directly from heaven)
4 cheese sticks (yes, these were for my kids’ lunches, but I’m just THAT kind of mom)
garlic salt (you can’t live a full and productive life without this in your cabinet)
dried oregano in a jar (cuz I don’t buy the fresh stuff)
Pizza sauce (the kind in the jar that you pull out of the cabinet and realize the use by date is two weeks past, but you’ve had enough wine to say, “Fuck it. There’s preservatives in this shit.  We’ll be fine.”

Shit you’re gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 375, I believe.  I’ve since thrown away the package, so I’m not sure what the crescent roll package says, so please confirm with the tube you have, because my wacky ass is probably wrong.

While the oven is preheating, cut your cheese sticks in half.  That way, you’ll have the eight needed for the eight crescent triangles.  Spray a baking sheet with Kitchen KY (aka, non stick cooking spray, for you newbies out there) and set it aside. 

You’re gonna unroll each crescent triangle and then plop down one of the cut cheese sticks at the end of the fat part of the triangle.  Then, lay the corners of the fat part over the cheese stick and the roll that bitch up.  The goal is to make sure the cheese stick is completely covered so that none of that over processed, calcium goodness leaks out. 

Once you’ve gotten all eight of them rolled up, put them on your baking sheet, sprinkle with garlic salt and oregano, and then bake for about 14 minutes.  Again, please confirm the time with the tube of crescent rolls that you used.  Seriously.  I’m really bad at that shit and I don’t want your panties in a wad that I told you the wrong time.  And don’t be stupid.  Put a timer on.  If you don’t, that wine will most definitely help you forget when you actually put those little bastards in the oven.  Trust me.  I know.  I’ll look right at the fucking clock and go “Yep. 7:14pm.  I need to take them out of the oven at 7:27pm.”  And who the hell do you think forgot in .00035 seconds later.  This girl right here.

Now, once your little cheese stick-balls are done, please do not.  I repeat.  Do not put these directly into your pie hole.  The inside of these little fuckers is gonna be the same temperature as the fucking sun, so put down the rolls, walk away and go watch “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” on youtube.  After you’ve peed a little from watching that video eight times, feel free to pour off a side of that pizza sauce and dip these little bad boys in and chow the fuck down.  Not gonna lie.  We were waiting on two of our other girlfriends to get to my house to share these.  We had three each.  They only had one each.  Sucks when you’re late.  Lesson learned.