Thursday, May 19, 2011

Mother-truckin’ Turkey Burgers

Ok, so I’ll start this recipe off by telling you a few things.

1. This will be one of the best things you put in your mouth since Spring Break in Cancun circa 1994.
2. This burger has vegetables in it, if you don’t like vegetables you’ve got to think about growing up. Or, if you don’t like vegetables, don’t email me all like, “dang D2 – what about a turkey burger with NO veggies.” I’ll just tell you to run to your local grocery store and pick up the ready-made ones.
3. This burger is low cal and doesn’t contain eggs or breadcrumbs. I promise you that its fucking delicious… but it doesn’t have the ingredients in it that you think belong in a burger, it just doesn’t so don’t ask me where the ‘crumbs are. They’re in the pantry while we’re watching our carbs, k?
4. I’ve been dieting on and off since I was 4. I know a thing or two about how to GET down with some fattening ass food (how I got to be a fat ass) and I also know a thing or two on how to lose weight effectively. D2 note to self: don’t eat everything in sight and then sit in front of the TV or your size 18s will start to give you camel toe.
5. I’ve lost 60 lbs over the last year. HOLLA!

Shit you’re gonna need:
· 1 lb of lean ground turkey meat. I believe this shit only comes 93/7, but get whichever ya like.
· 3 or 4 celery stalks, cleaned and the ends chopped off.
· ½ of a large red onion
· Salt and peppa, but not Spindarella.
Yup, that’s it.

Shit you’re gonna do:
Make sure your turkey meat is fully defrosted. I *hate* it when the middle is still frozen, fucks the whole process up, wouldn’t you agree? Take your celery and your red onion and get to choppin’. I like mine in small pieces and I have a wittle machine that does this for me, it’s all kinds of awesome. If you just have a knife, that shit’ll work too. Chop to your desired size. Like I said, I like ‘em small. This will likely be the only time you’ll hear me say THAT. Snort.

Once everything is all chopped up, throw that shit into a mixing bowl with the turkey meat and some salt and pepper. I pinch out some sea salt and grind in some pepper from a pepper grinder so I can’t tell you measurements. But you guys are smart, you can do it I just know it.

Then take off your rings and get your hands dirty, get in there and mix ALL this shit up. Once its thoroughly blended, make you some patties. Preheat your frying pan or indoor grill or shit, even your BBQ, grease it up with some kitchen KY and grill these little bad boys. The vegetables will cook along with the meat. Let them grill on each side for like 10-15 minutes. Keep an eye on them and flatten with your spatula and make sure that clear liquids don’t run out. Are you surprised that they stayed together with no egg or breadcrumbs? Me too.

Now, you can eat this like I do these days… just like it is with a side of green beans or some other veggies. If you’re skinny or don’t mind the calories… slap this little bitch in between a potato bread hamburger bun. Yummmmmmmmm. You could put some mayo on it, or ketchup, some lettuce, whatever it is that you eat with a burger. Get crazy with the cheese whiz people.

And voila! A healthy turkey burger that is sock-knocking and panty-dropping. I know it sounds weird, but if you try it I SWEAR you’ll agree. Its surprisingly, ridiculously delicious beyond words.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Fake N Bake Brownies

This is by far the easiest fucking dessert to make. When I didn't know how to cook...wait, let me rephrase that...when I was too lazy to learn to cook, I used THIS to fake it. Girls are good at faking things.

Shit you're gonna need:
Your favorite boxed brownie mix (Sure. Use the homemade one where you have to double boil the chocolate and sift the flour. Won't make you a better person. Just a stupid one for taking all the time to do that shit when Betty Crocker did it for you.)
1 big ass bar of Hershey's Symphony Chocolate (The picture below portrays the almond toffee version. I normally use the milk chocolate version. They didn't have my usual and this almond shit was on clearance for $1.5o. And this shit ain't cheap. I think it's normally about $2.99 each. But I assure you that it's worth every fucking penny you spend.)
The ingredients you need to make the brownie mix (oil, eggs, blah blah blah)

This chocolate is like angels landed on your tongue and poured this deliciousness down your throat. It's THAT heavenly. And yes, another symphony of angels plays while you're devouring it so maybe that's why the marketing department chose that name. But that's just a guess.

You'll also need a square pan to cook this in. This is an 8x8 or a 9x9. I have no idea. The mistake pampered chef made on their shit is that they don't put the fucking size on the bottom like Pyrex does. Damn them.
Holy shit...yum.
Shit you're gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 350. I'm assuming that's what it says on the box. Then stir your brownie mix ingredients together. The thing about brownie mix is that you don't need to stir the hell out of it. Just stir until your ingredients are combined. You get all american gladiator on this shit with stirring and your brownies are gonna come out all rubbery. (Learned that shit from Alton Brown. Holla!)

After your mix is...well, mixed. Put it in your pan that's been sprayed with Kitchen KY and then spread your brownie drama around.

Now, open up your chocolate bar. You'll see that it has 16 little pieces. Play your cards right and line that shit up like the picture below and you can celebrate with that last little piece. Because my little loves, you only need 15. Totally planned it that way. I always tell the hubs I don't have any leftover. That's not a lie. Because after I eat that last piece, there isn't any leftover.

Bake it for the appropriate time on the box and then my little peeps, stick your tongue way out and lick the top of that pan and tell everyone you did that so nobody else will touch this shit. Enjoy.

Before baking...

After baking...voila.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Copy Cat

Alright. I’ll admit it. I have an addiction that only Lindsay Lohan and Liza Minnelli can relate to. It’s Chipotle. I get a hiney tingle and my jaw locks into a smile that can only compete with a 16 year old boy that just lost his virginity. You promise me Chipotle and I’ll pretty much do anything. True story.

Cilantro and Lime Rice – Chipotle style

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 cup of basmati rice (You could probably use cheap ass rice like I normally do, but live on the edge people.)

1 tbs. of Goya’s Cilantro cooking base (“Wait. What? You mean you’re not using fresh cilantro.” “No. No I’m not. I don’t buy fresh herbs, because this shit lasts forever. AND my ‘other’ dad, who happens to be D2’s dad, Coco, would be extremely proud that I used this. So there.”)

3 tbs of lime juice (Yes, I used the bottled shit. Why? Because all the fresh limes I had were used in my vodka. Deal with it.)

Salt (you’re gonna need a shit load. True story.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

This isn’t hard people. It’s really not. If I can’t fuck this up; neither will you. So, you boil the rice just as it tells you on the package. Bring salted water to a boil, add the rice and then turn it on low for 17-22 minutes. Fluff it up with a fork and then add your cilantro base and your lime juice and fluff again. Now, taste it. You’re gonna open your pie hole, shovel this in and say “Shit needs salt.” Exactly. This is where you’re gonna need to salt the hell out of it. I don’t wanna tell you how much because it’s your arteries, your preference. Once it’s stirred up, I want you to sit back and pretend that you didn’t have to stand in some long ass line at Chipotle. If you want to be a fucking rockstar, feel free to add more cilantro base or even some fresh cilantro to it. Again, my fridge is stocked with fucking squeezy yogurts, juice boxes and wine. I don’t have room for fresh herbs. Let me know if any of you use the cheap ass five minute boil rice. I’m curious. Not like Andy Dick curious…those were my college days, just sayin’.