Friday, April 22, 2011

Easter Egg Nests (a recipe brought to you by D2)

Yup, that’s right --- I’m gonna teach you how to make wittle nests that can be a part of your Easter dinner. Your little sweethearts will just gobble this shit up. And if they don’t, you can hide in the coat closet when your family comes over on Sunday and shove a bunch into your gullet while no one’s watching. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. What’s better than Rice Krispies treats made with chocolate? Topping them with mini-eggs made by Cadbury is what. Can I get a hell yea?

Shit you’re gonna need:

  • 3 cups Rice Krispies (you can get the generic shit –ok with me)

  • 1 cup good quality semisweet chocolate chips (as in like Ghirardelli, now’s not the time to be a cheap fucker)

  • 3 tablespoons butter (oh hell yea)

  • 2 tablespoons golden syrup

  • A big bag of Cadbury Mini-eggs (get the big bag because if you’re like me, you’ll eat half that fucking bag before they ever make it onto the nests themselves)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Dump the Rice Krispies into a bowl and set it aside. Fight the urge to snap, crackle, pop those mothers. Put the chocolate chips into a saucepan with the butter and syrup and melt over a low/medium heat. Don’t burn this shit, ok? And be patient – because the temp is so low, it might take a little while. My advice? Pour yourself a glass of wine and hide in the kitchen claiming to be baking up a storm. Your husband and kids will never know. Tell them it’s a huge Easter surprise to keep them out of the kitchen. Now you can squeeze in an extra glass or two. You’re welcome bitches.

Once that shit is melted, fold it into the bowl of Rice Krispies that you have waiting for you on the counter. You can still do this is you’re tipsy, don’t worry. It’s ok to pinch off a bite and taste it – delish huh? Once it’s all mixed up, spoon the mixture onto a cookie sheet that is lined with Wax paper. Make sure to create a little dip in the middle. You can do it, I know it!

Now take your Cadbury eggs, and put a few in the center of the “nest” --- how many you put depends on a) how big your nests are and b) how many you have left. I’m a fat ass, so I usually put 3 per nest and eat the rest of the bag. Now once you’ve made all your little nests with eggs, throw those fuckers in the fridge overnight to chill. The night is still young, so stick the kids in bed and take advantage of your buzz. And by take advantage, I mean, let your husband take advantage of you.

When its time to remove your Easter egg nests, peel them away from the wax paper with care! Serve them chilled and enjoy!

ps - the picture above is stolen from the internets - let's not kid ourselves people. I don't own and fucking serving plates that look like that.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Mega fucking easy chicken parmesean

Hubs gave up carbs which means my ass has to come up with shit that doesn’t include King’s Hawaiian Rolls. Aren’t those little mother fuckers heaven?

So, I came up with this…well, I probably didn’t come up with it, but in MY head I did. Just go with me on this one.

Have you seen these? (disclaimer: I’m not being paid by that dork on the perdue commercials to promote these. I say “dork” but that bastard is one rich mother fucker, right?!)

They’re expensive as hell so I always walk right past them. BUT my little loves, I had a coupon. Plopped that shit right in the cart and didn’t think twice. Best part? There was another coupon on the actual bag! Holla!!!! It took off $4. What the what?? Get in my belly!
These breasts you can literally put in the oven frozen. Here’s why that’s good news to me: because I’m the type of person that will leave chicken in the fridge, getting really fucking lazy, forget about them and head to Chick-fil-a. Shit ends up right in the garbage. Errrrrrrgh. SO, without having to thaw anything, I’m as golden as Betty White circa 1987.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 of those frozen chicken breasts (mind you, the little shits are hard to get open. Brace yourself and don’t give up.)

One sliced tomato (you won’t use the whole thing, so throw the rest on a fucking turkey sandwich tomorrow and do the happy dance until the girl in the cubicle next to you calls HR on your crazy ass.)

2 cups of mozzarella cheese (You might not use two cups, but then again, you might. I’m cautioning on the side of error. Is that how you say that weird as saying? I don’t really give a shit.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

I wanna say that the bag says cook them at 375. But I could be wrong. Double check and get back to me on that one. Lay your chicken on a baking sheet that’s been sprayed with Kitchen KY and cook these little fuckers for about 20 minutes. When they’re done, take them out, throw on a few slices of tomato and then pile on the mozzarella. Put ‘em back in for about 6-7 and whammo. Dinner’s done. And I assure you, these little shits are as moist as a homeless mans’ armpit in July. Yeah, I went there.