Thursday, July 29, 2010

Buckeye Cupcakes. Because I miss Ohio.

While in Ohio, my sister and I were having a few late night cocktails (shocker) and we decided, “hey, I’m in the mood for chocolate. Let’s bake some shit.” So, we made Buckeye Cupcakes. I’m sure some bastard out there has already made this recipe up, but at the time, we thought we were freaking brilliant. Vodka will do that to you. It’ll also make you do a split for your seventeen year old nephew and his cheerleader girlfriend, just to prove that you’re still young. Yup…I still got it.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of Chocolate cake mix (Yup. I used the boxed shit. But listen here judgmental assholes of the world…that shit works and it’s fucking good. AND I knew I didn’t want to be sifting shit at 10pm at night. So there.)

Creamy Peanut butter (No, don’t use crunchy. Buckeyes don’t have crunchy. Deal with it.)

Chocolate frosting (Again, I used the premade shit. It was easy and these fuckers got into my pie hole quicker than you can say “Someone go make me another drink.”

You’re also gonna need the shit to make the cake with. Mine was eggs, water and oil.

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Line your muffin pan with cupcake liners. I also spray my liners with Kitchen KY because it’s easier for your three year old to peel back the paper when he’s ready to smear that shit all over his face. Seriously, I don’t think any actually gets into his mouth. It’s also easier for your sister to peel back when she’s been drinking. Just sayin’

Mix your batter up and fill the liners ¾ full. Seriously, I measure this. I like mine perfectly even. Why? Because I’m a fucking weirdo. Can we move on now? Good. So, once they’re full, dollop about a tablespoon of peanut butter in the middle of each cupcake. Don’t worry, it’s not gonna stick up when they’re done. The pb is heavier than the batter so the shit is gonna sink. And the batter is gonna rise around the pb.

Bake for about 18-20 minutes. When they’re cool, spread on your frosting and shove this into your face before you lose your buzz and regret eating two cupcakes…or five.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Banana Pudding and Shit (literally, kinda) (D2)

D2 here, not D1 --- I’m here with a competitive banana dessert recipe. Word to yo motha.

So I have this righteous banana pudding recipe that I borrowed from an old coworker. Its pretty fucking delish. I sincerely hope that my ex-husband does not read this blog, because I’m about to call him out.
So my coworker brought this pudding of wonder to a party we had at our house once and my ex-husband tore.that.shit.up. Then he tore up the leftovers before work the next day and shat himself at work. That’s right, you read correctly. He called me from the bathroom to tell me that he had to throw away his underwear because he didn’t get to the bathroom in time. This is way funnier if you know him. So, if you ever want to judge how good something is, find out of someone ever shit themselves over it - then your answer is yes.

Shit you’re gonna need:
3/4 cup sugar (the regular shit)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup flour
3 cups milk, use whole here people
3 large egg yolks (use that trick D1 taught you in the previous post)
3 tablespoons butter, make sure that its soft so leave it out or microwave it -- up to you.
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 packs of chestman cookies (that’s right the pepperidge farm ones - you’ll see)
3 to 4 bananas, (make sure they’re ripe but don’t overdo it)
sweetened whipped cream or whipped topping (or make the homemade shit, I ain’t got time for all that)
banana slices for “garnish” - what a gay word

Shit you’re gonna do:

In a bowl, mix up the sugar, salt, and flour; and make sure you blend that shit. Now, slowly stir in milk until smooth, like an operator. Pour into the top of a double boiler over simmering water -- do u fuckers know what that is? It means take a big pot and put some water in the bottom of it, then put a smaller pot in it so that that one is getting hot by the water boiling up underneath it. Let it cook, and whisk it up often - as in a lot. That shit will thicken, you’ll see.

In a small bowl, whisk the egg yolks; and then gradually whisk in about 1 cup of the slightly thickened hot milk mixture shit - stay with me people you can do this! Return egg mixture to the double boiler, then throw in the vanilla and butter (god I love butter), and continue whisking until your arm falls off. Its gonna keep cooking until its nice and thick. Take that shit off the heat and stick it on the counter and let it cool off.

In a 2-quart dish (or whatever u want to use), make a layer of chestman cookies, then sliced banana. Spoon some of the pudding shiz over the banana layer then layer more chestman cookies and banana slices, topping with more pudding - you get the picture. Pretend like this is a banana lasagna bitches. Then when you’re done, smooth some whipped cream on there.

If you wanna be fancy (or gay), stick some little bananers on the top for garnish - it works with or without it.

Eat it ‘til you shit your pants!

Monday, July 19, 2010

I make the Jolly Green Giant Drool

Cheese sauce for your Choppin Brocco-li...choppin brocco-li...she's choppin ber-ac-colli......CHOPPIN BROCCOLAY!!!!! Fucking love Dana Carvey...anyhoo...

Now, this sauce is the way that I get my monsters…I mean, my munchkins to eat broccoli. It’s the same ingredients as the cheese for mac and cheese, but just a little bit less and it takes the same amount of time to cook it as it does for your frozen broccoli to cook in the microwave. I’m sure you can pour this shit over anything you want, even your eggs in the morning, but you do what makes your panties dance.

Shit you’re gonna need:

Bag of frozen broccoli (don’t ask me the ounces on this shit, it’s just the regular size bag that feeds about four to five people)

1 tablespoon of butter

1 tablespoon of flour

‘bout half a cup of milk

Handful of cheese

Salt to taste

Shit you’re gonna do:

While your broccoli is in the microwave, melt your butter in a saucepan and when that’s done, add your flour and let that shitty flour taste cook out for a minute. Add your milk and wait for this shit to thicken. Pull it off the heat, add your cheese and salt and then drown your jolly green giants in this bad ass sauce. That’s it. Not fancy, but fucking good. Oddly enough, my three year old still dips his in ranch sauce. He’s weird. But so is Matthew McConaughey. And I’m okay with that.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I have a challenge for you...can you handle it?

Most of you either read this blog because you like to cook or you have a sick sense of humor...but I hope it's both. Let's do a little good in the world, shall we people? So, here's your challenge...

Project Fix A Treat I challenge you to cook or bake something for someone. Anyone. Could be your neighbor, could be a homeless person that always talks to himself, or it could be that fabulous man who walked by my house today wearing a silver sparkly tank top that was too tight. Your choice. But I give you seven days. Post on the facebook page what you made, who you made it for and what their response was. Let's share the love people...who's in??

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Cream Pie. Banana that is...

Now this shit isn’t for the weak. I mean, it’s not the quickest most efficient shit to make. But as sure as I am that Mel Gibson is fucking crazy, I assure you the work is worth it. Seriously, Braveheart is fucking whack.

Shit you’re gonna need:


1 ¼ cups of crushed vanilla wafers (It’s about 3 cups before you pound this shit into crumbs)

5 tbsp. of melted butter

3 tbsp. of sugar

Custardy Creamy Shit:

¼ cup of cold water (just get that shit straight from the spout in your fridge. Which btw, is freaking genius and I think it’s overlooked a lot as an award winning invention, but I think it’s bad ass)

1 pack of unflavored gelatin (Alright, this is that Knox shit on the bottom shelf in the pudding aisle. Don’t shit yourself when you see that it’s $1.50 a pack – it’s got 4 packs in it. Break that shit down to pennies and you’ve got a hell of a deal)

2 cups of milk (Use whole milk here. Don’t use your pansy skim blue looking shit for this. You’re making a fucking pie, it’s not like calories matter here.)

4 large egg yolks (When separating these boogers, do it over a Tupperware container so that you can put a lid on those whites and make eggs in the morning with ‘em. You’re welcome.)

½ cup sugar

¼ cup of cornstarch

¼ teaspoon of salt (regular shit here)

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (Need I tell you again to buy the real shit?)

3 bananas sliced (I like mine a smidge ripe. With some brown dots on those bastards. They’re sweeter that way)

Whipped Cream:

That’s right mother fuckers…we’re making this shit from scratch. Screw the store bought stuff.

1 cup of heavy cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 tablespoon of sugar

Shit you’re gonna do:

Alright, let’s break this down so you don’t shit yourself. Let’s start with the crust…

Preheat your oven to 350. Mix your cookie crumbs, butter and sugar together. Pat that shit into a pie tin and bake for about 7 minutes. Here’s a little added extra that I did…after it bakes for about 5 minutes, I sprinkle about 1/4 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips on the bottom of the crust, stick it back in the oven for the next two minutes and then spread that shit around when it’s melted. That way, when someone cuts into this shit, they’re like “Oh shit…is that chocolate – hell yeah!”

Now for the custard…this is where you might be all like “what the fuck…” it takes a lot of shit to put this together, but I promise you – it’s well worth it. I’ll number it to make it look a little easier. It’s a little juvenile, but then again, so is high school (name that movie).

  1. Sprinkle your gelatin over your water and let it sit until you’re ready for it.
  2. Warm your milk in a saucepan – not boiling, just warm the shit up. Hot enough that when you touch it you’re all “shit, that’s hot.” Then you know it’s done. Now, take it off the burner.
  3. Whisk together your eggs and sugar until it looks sort of pale yellowish.
  4. Now, if you’re using a whisk attachment on a mixer, change it to a stirring one – you don’t want the eggs to get all foamy and shit. Now, add your cornstarch and salt and beat that shit until it’s smooth.
  5. Add your milk now one cup at a time.
  6. Add your gelatin and mix it good.
  7. Return this mixture to your saucepan and heat until it’s thick. The thicker the better I always say. It can never be too thick. (ha!) It’ll take about eight minutes
  8. Now, remove it from the heat and stir in your vanilla.

Btw, while your sauce is thickening, go ahead and slice your bananas so you’re not all “um, stupid bitch didn’t tell me to slice the bananas while I was waiting for this shit to thicken. That would’ve saved me 5 minutes”. See? I’m thinking ahead for you!


Layer ½ of your bananas, ½ the custard and repeat once more until the shit is gone. Cover this bad boy and stick it in the fridge for like, four hours. Once it’s chilled, we'll move on to our 295th step…

The Whipped Cream:

I’m sorry, but homemade whipped cream is way better than that shit from a tub. Although I know some of you use that tub as Tupperware because you’re cheap. But whatever…

So, the little “trick” that I use for this is that the bowl that I’m whipping this shit in gets put in the fridge about 30 minutes before I’m ready to make it. It keeps the temperature from getting too warm with the beaters or some shit. But pour in your cream, turn that whisk on high and let it beat like…well…you know. Once it’s going, add your sugar, then wait about 34 more seconds and add your vanilla. Wait until soft peaks form, spread it over your pie and holy shit…you’re finally fucking done.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I look forward to pissing off the people at Kraft

Now, I know D2 and I have had our mac and cheese duel. But that’s a lot of fucking work. The mac and cheese I’m about to honor you with is the bullshit I use for everyday use. Minus the baking time, it takes the same amount of time to make this homemade mac and cheese as it does that shit from a box with powdered cheese. I can’t bring myself to eat powdered cheese. It goes against everything I believe in. But I believe that you can eat a cracker off my kitchen floor even without the five second rule, so use your best judgment here.

Shit you’re gonna need:

8 oz of elbow macaroni (it’s half a box genius)

4 tablespoons of butter (if you’ve been reading this blog awhile, you’ve probably already bought this shit in bulk now)

4 tablespoons of flour

2 cups of milk (I’ll be honest…I sneak in about ¼ cup of whipping cream as well, but I honestly don’t know if it actually does any good. I just like to pack in as many calories as I can in every dish I make. It’s something my grandmother would be proud of…considering she taught me how much Kahlua I should put in coffee.)

2 cups of shredded cheese (Use your favorite or use the shit in the fridge that’s about to mold)

Salt to taste (again, I use sea salt. Only because Martha does.)

Pepper to taste (If someone in your family gets their panties in a wad about the little black flakes of pepper in the mac and cheese, use white pepper)

Ground cayenne pepper (Now don’t shit yourself here. I seriously use like, the tiniest amount of this. I mean like the littlest pinch ever. Go easy with this shit.)

¼ teaspoon of garlic salt (I’m assuming that’s how much I use. I actually just do it to taste, but you do what gives you a hiney tingle.)

Half a sleeve of Ritz Crackers (I use generic. Because I’m a cheap ass.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. You don’t actually have to bake this, but it’s just something I’ve been taught to do and I always do what I’m told. Hahahahahahaha. I’m sorry, that made me laugh. I actually never do what I’m told. You can ask my mother and the hubs about that one. But I digress…

Boil your noodles, which will take about 10 min. While those little boogers are boiling, let’s make our cheese sauce. Now, the start to a cheese sauce is something called a “rogue” which is pronounced “rue”. It’s some French bullshit. It’s actually the only French I know, except for kissing and I even took a semester of French in high school. The only reason I signed up for the damn class was because someone idiot I had a crush on took it. I was such an idiot. Needless to say, I didn’t learn shit and I didn’t get the guy. Go figure. But anyhoo…while your shit is boiling, in another saucepan (big enough to hold the cheese and noodles once they’re done), melt your butter. Once it’s melted, add your flour. Now use a whisk to stir this around. You just want to get the floury shitty taste out, so it’ll only take a minute or so. Then slowly add your milk. I add it about a ½ cup at a time and keep stirring. Once all your milk is in and you decided that your panties were itchin’ for the ¼ cup of whipping cream, add it now. Then dump your cheese in and then add your seasonings to taste. Your noodles should be done by now, so drain those bastards and then add to your cheese sauce.

If you’ve decided that you’re a fucking bad ass and you don’t want to bake your mac and cheese…don’t bother reading the next paragraph.

Stir these bitches and pour into a Kitchen KY sprayed 9x13 pan. Take the half sleeve of crackers, break that shit with your hand and pour it over the macaroni. You don’t need to get all fancy and put the shit in a Ziploc bag and crumble. You don’t even need to dirty another damn dish to add melted butter. This is supposed to be easy, so go with me on this one. Once you’ve got your crackers evenly sprinkled, throw that shit in the oven or 15-20 minutes. Btw, if you live near a Publix and you’ve had their mac and cheese…this is the same shit. Trust me.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Nelly Frittata

Hubs: Scrambled eggs are gross…why do I like this frittata and what makes it different?

Me: Not sure. Just shut up and eat it.

(Keep in mind that scrambled eggs are in his breakfast burritos)

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 tbsp of butter (shocker)

An oven proof skillet of some sort. I obviously used my iron skillet.

6 eggs

¼ cup of whipping cream (I told you you’d see this ingredient quite a bit. My thighs don’t like it, but who asked them?)

Salt and pepper to taste

Deli turkey meat (you can use whatever meat you want. I wish I had sausage that day, but get creative, put whatever shit you want in this thing)

Shredded cheese (any flavor, again, don’t be a chicken shit…get creative)

*you can also add chopped green peppers, onions, chopped parsley, pulled pork…you get the picture

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Whip together your eggs and cream. Now, you can either melt your butter on the stovetop or you can put it in your pan and melt it in the oven while it’s preheating. It just depends on how fucking fancy you want to look. But once the butter is melted, pour in your eggs and then top with your seasonings, meat and cheese and any other extras that are going to make you look like a real creative bad ass. Bake this shit for about 15 minutes and whammo…nelly frittata right there in your kitchen. I will say that it’s going to shrink like some things do in cold water, so just be prepared that it won’t be that fluffy on your plate as when you first take it out of the oven. Oh and I do need to warn you on something else, if you do melt your butter in the oven, remember to use an oven mitt to get out the pan. And if you have one of those mitt thingys that sits over the pan handle, remember to take it off before you shut the oven door. I made this mistake and the hubs walked in and said “Did someone shit their pants?” Nice.