Saturday, February 6, 2010

Cheap and an ex-girlfriend

Roasted Chicken. It’s intimidating. Like the first time I…well, we won’t get into that. But seriously, a $4 chicken + shit you have in your kitchen = an effing happy husband. Here’s the best part…are you ready for it…hold your breath because it’s a doozy…you’ll never believe it but…MY KIDS EAT IT! Holy shit, right?! Sign me up! So, let’s get a roasted chicken on the table, shall we?

My mother (who’s reading this) used to roast a chicken every Sunday. Then we’d have chicken sandwiches on Monday, chicken salad on Tuesday…blah blah blah. I got tired of that shit. Quick. Effing hated chicken for a long ass time until I had to grow up and pay bills and realized that steak every night just ain’t an option. I also had absolutely no effing clue what to do with a chicken. I wasn’t the brightest child (I’m still not) therefore my mother had no patience in the kitchen teaching me what the hell to do with a fucking raw ass chicken. I’d be all “why? why? why? why?” and she’d be all “AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” I’m surprised I made it to age 12. So, I figured this shit out myself. And of course watching twelve years of the food network helped too. Thank you Paula. Because of her and all her damn butter, I have a whole different understanding of the term “muffin top”.

Shit you’re gonna need:

A three to four pound chicken (if you’re smart, which you must be if you’re reading this blog, think about getting two of these bastards and making two at a time. The only difference would be the amount of time you cook it. You’ll have to cook them longer smart guy. Rocket science? No.)

Softened butter…mmmmmmmm, butter. (put it in the microwave for a few seconds if you take it out of the fridge. I pull it out in the morning when I’m making breakfast and it pretty much sits out all day because I know I’ll probably use a whole damn stick of it. And yes, I said “pull out”)

Kosher Salt


Dried Rosemary
Kitchen twine (I actually have twine from Willams-Sonoma because no grocery store around here carries it. Stupid ass morons…why the hell would you sell effing turkeys and chickens and not have cooking twine? Must be a guy that’s in charge of that shit.) (Oh wait, if you’re a cheap ass, you can also put on a low cut top, a push up bra and some sharp red lipstick and beg the butcher at the grocery store to give you some. You ought to see his expression when you walk up to the counter with your tits hangin’ out asking for some “rope” telling him that you need to “tie something up”. You might have to make out with him, but you’ll get your hamburger patties at half price, or maybe even your sausage. (and yes you men out there, you can do this trick too)

A roasting pan, or a pan that’s about an inch and a half on all sides. If you don’t have one, pick yourself up one of those aluminum roasting pans that are disposable. It won’t be hard to find genius, it’ll say “roasting pan” on it. Don’t call me if you get confused because I’ll hang up on you and then tell everyone what a dumbass you are.

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 325. If your chicken comes all wrapped in plastic, which it probably does, you’re gonna have to do the nasty with this damn thing. When I say “do the nasty”, I mean you’re gonna have to get your hands all over this nasty thing and wash it. I don’t want slimy shit all over my chicken. Effing gross. Here’s a little tip for ya’ while washing this bad boy or girl, (I guess we’ll never know will we?) run the water over the chicken, making sure you have it on a slow and steady stream. Kinda like when you’re trying to pee in a really empty echo-ey bathroom and you don’t want anyone to hear you piss like a race horse. So, once your chicken is all de-slimed, you’re gonna need to pat this dry. I don’t mean just pat it with a paper towel lightly, I mean you’re really going to have pat the whole thing really dry and lay it in your roasting pan. This will ensure that you have a bad ass brown skin on the top. Pale ass chicken isn’t good. Just like my pale ass skin doesn’t look good in a jean skirt, but I digress.

Slap two tablespoons of butter on your hands and start rubbing this poultry princess. Of course I had to clarify that you rub the butter on the chicken and not yourself, but I really don’t want to get into why I actually needed to do that. (hint hint: freaks). After you’ve rubbed it down, wash your hands (yes, with soap) and then sprinkle over the salt, pepper and rosemary. Hard? No. Easy? Yes. Here’s the tricky ass part…tying that bitch up. Well, it’s not really tricky as it is annoying. Does that make sense? But as you’ll see in the picture, just tie up the legs (insert dirty thought here) so that they’re close to the body. This is so the legs don’t get overcooked before everything else is done. Or some bullshit story like that. Then just tuck the wings under the breasts and tie twine around it to keep them close to the body. Put in the oven and cook ‘til it’s done! Mine took about 1 hr 30 min. But please please please for the love of tootsie rolls, please check the temperature on it and make sure it gets to the correct number as well as a pink center (another dirty thought there) and the juices run clear. Now go…go make a roasted effing chicken.


Btw, one of my besties, Dawn, suggested that there be a way to print off a summary of the recipe. But since I can’t attach a file to the blog, you’re more than welcome to email me and I’ll send it to you. Word to your mutha. Peace.


  1. Our mutual friend Aimee sent me over to your blog, and I am very glad she did! Looks like you're a girl after my own heart :)
    I can help you out with the printable recipe thing if you are interested! It's actually not hard, since I can do it and I'm a moron :)

  2. I'm a total moron...please advise! Email me...