Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sausage Gravy. And a story about a tramp..oline.

Since it’s the day after Christmas and I’m filled to the fucking gills with food, I thought I’d make you long for something more. More fat and more artery clogging nonsense to fill your thighs with. God Bless everyone.

The kids got a trampoline for Christmas. And Christmas day here in sunny fucking Florida was a beautiful 75 degrees. But of course, the day AFTER Christmas it was windy and as cold as Angelina Joile’s soul. I knew it would be a feat in to get that fucking trampoline up because it was so damn crappy here. But since I had to work the next day, we HAD to get that shit up or the kids would be all up my ass about how fucking bored they are. Even though Toys R Us basically just shat in my living room, but I digress…

Sausage Gravy.

Shit you’re gonna need:
½ pound of ground sausage (I used half a package of Jimmy Dean. It’s those fat ass blunt rolled sausages that work the best, if you ask me.)
2 tablespoons of butter (I fucking ran out of butter after this. Sucked. But at least the butter gods were there to assist me in my devious attempt at getting that fucking trampoline going.)
2 tablespoons of flour (I hate the smell of that shit.)
‘Bout 1 ½ cups of milk (You may need more if you like your gravy creamier. Again, double meaning there.)
Salt and Pepper

Shit you’re gonna do:
I used my iron skillet, but any skillet will do. Don’t beat yourself up about it there Mike Tyson. But go ahead and brown up your sausage. Once it’s browned, you’ll notice that it doesn’t necessarily render a lot of fat, so we’re gonna have to add our own. Drop in your two tablespoons of butter and then your flour. Now, since flour tastes like shit (and smells like shit too), let this crap cook for about a minute. Then start adding your milk. I add about ½ cup at a time whisking the hell out of it to get those little bits of sausage goodness into your sauce. It’ll thicken; then add more milk. Keep doing that until you get the consistency you want and then salt and pepper the shit out of this until your arteries are happy.

Seriously – you’re fucking done. That’s it. Pour this shit over biscuits…homemade or canned, I don’t give a rat’s ass…and then stand with your back to a mirror and watch your ass grow.

I’m now off to put the “tramp” in trampoline…

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Let me rephrase myself. I’m not “from” Ohio. I was born there. I was born in September and as soon as the temperature dropped to 72 degrees, my mom got the hell out of dodge. Don’t blame her one bit. It’s witch tit cold up there.

What is a buckeye? I think it ‘s a nut. From a tree. Which is pretty close to describing myself.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 cups of peanut butter (I used creamy. Isn’t creamy always better?)

½ stick of butter, softened (Take your finger, poke it in the fattest part of your ass and that’s how soft the butter should be. Good rule of thumb there.)

3 ¾ cups of powdered sugar (You don’t have to sift it. Seriously, I don’t want to dirty another dish, nor do I give a shit if there’s lumps. And yes, I know it’s a lot of powdered sugar, but really? Do you care? Didn’t think so.)

12 oz. bag of semi sweet morsels (I used generic and I used the mini ones. They melt faster, kinda like the ice in my vodka when it’s a 127 degrees here in July.)

2 tbs of vegetable shortening (It’s crisco smart guy.)

Other shit you’ll need to get out:

Baking sheet

Wax paper

Shit you’re gonna do:

Beat together your peanut butter and butter. Yeah, I said “beat”, moving on…once it’s combined you need to slowly add your powdered sugar. Believe me when I tell you to do it slowly. Add a little at a time. Because when I first read that way back when I didn’t know shit, I dumped all of it in and let it fly. Literally. And trust me; powdered sugar on the floor is NOT easy to clean up. (Bonus powdered sugar story right after the recipe, it’s a doozy.)

So, now you’re trying your damndest to not stick your face into the bowl of sugary goodness that you just created. You’re gonna roll this into little balls. Me? I like big balls for a couple of reasons. Let’s break that down, shall we? First, there’s a lot of this fucking mix, if I make small balls, it’ll take me more than one bottle of vino to finish. I don’t like to just stand there, playing with balls getting drunk. At least not on a Tuesday. And second, the more balls I make, the more I have to stand there and dip the bastards in chocolate. I ain’t got that kind of time. So, I made them all exactly 1 tbs each. Yes, I used a measuring spoon. Now, start rolling, lay them on your waxed paper on a baking sheet and throw those bitches in the freezer for an hour. Ooooooh snap…didn’t see that coming did you? Yeah, I’m making you wait. Girls do that.

Hop in your phone booth, bill and ted time machine and fast forward an hour. Now, before you take the balls out, melt your chocolate and shortening in the microwave. You’ll want to use a bowl that’s kind of deep so that you have enough dipping room. Start with about a minute, stir and then if you need a little more, do it in 30 second increments. Then dip your balls in your chocolate but leave a little of the pb showing. That way it actually looks like a buckeye. I used a skewer which is why it looks like a nipple of some sort. Or some other falic term. Keep these little fuckers in the fridge when you’re all done. Enjoy!!

Now…the powdered sugar story. Me and D2 were latch key kids. And during our middle school years, over the summer, we were allowed to stay by ourselves. Big mistake. But out of boredom came the best experiences of my childhood and 98% of them have D2 in the story. Wouldn’t change it for the world. So, on this particular day, we decided to pretend we were smoking. We took tampons, yes, I said tampons, emptied them (which means you take out the absorbent shit inside) and put powdered sugar in it so that it would look like we were blowing smoke. Fucking idiots.

At the time, we thought we were being smart by doing it in the kitchen. Shit was all over the floor. At least we thought ahead, right? Wrong. We were like “Oh, we’ll just mop it up.” Ummmm, guess what happens when you mix water with powdered sugar? You get icing. Sticky, white, creamy icing. THAT’S what ended up all over the kitchen floor. Hours after trying numerous amounts of mopping, our keds were still sticking to the floor. And then we’re like “Oh shit, mom’s coming home in like, 10 minutes. We’re fucked.” I don’t remember much of the outcome but I do remember her mother being pissed. She’s British and I remember spitting soda out of my nose when I heard her say “It makes me so mad I could spit.” What? My mom would be all “What the hell did you do to my fucking kitchen floor?” Two moms, two different worlds.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things that make me wanna punch a crack addict.

  1. People who chew their gum like a cow. Are they trying to get an award for this shit? It’s disgusting no matter who’s chewing it or where it’s been placed after chewing. Fucking gross.
  2. Terrible mothers. I’m not a fucking angel and yes, I lose it every now and then. But come on, get a grip, you’re the only one they’ve got. Own up sister or keep your legs crossed.
  3. When I’m over the moon to try a new recipe and then realize I don’t have one ingredient. Fucking annoying.
  4. When I call someone, they don’t answer and then they immediately text back and say “what’s up?” Um. I get it if you’re in a meeting or something, but don’t text me right away. Wait an hour and then say, “Sorry, I was in a meeting discussing the budget deficit and couldn’t take your call.” Because I know your lazy ass was sitting on the couch avoiding me. Trust me asshole, I wouldn’t be calling you if I didn’t need to actually speak to your dumb ass.
  5. I hate “vague-booking”. You know those assholes that put their status as “Omg, I’m so excited!” Of course they just set you up to say “Wow, for what?” Listen douchenozzle, just say whatcha gotta say. We’re probably not reading it anyways. And if we are, we’re bored out of our fucking minds or drunk. Either way, it’s annoying as hell.
  6. People that give me a dirty look when I lay coupons on the counter for the cashier. Look princess, I’ve got 932 items on the belt, six or seven coupons isn’t gonna break your day. You saw that when you walked up, you pretentious little twat. If you’re in that much of a hurry to buy your KY 20 minute battery operated cock ring, use the customer service counter so I don’t laugh at you for not actually going to an adult superstore.
  7. Annoying hookers who wear high heels that first, don’t fit, and second make them walk like they just got gang banged by WWE wrestlers. You obviously didn’t pay much for the cheap ass dress you’re sort of wearing, so spend the money on some heels that don’t make you look like a dog trying to walk on two paws.
  8. People who hold one glass of wine for an hour. “Are you going to drink that? No? Then I will.” Let’s not waste it people. There’s starving people in Africa wanting to get drunk.
  9. Crossing guards who help another crossing guard cross the street. I swear I see this dumb move once a week when I head to carpool. It’s not like two bright orange vests are gonna make me slow down any more than one, so just hurry up there jumpin’ jack flash.
  10. When I leave the house phone off the hook and it’s dead when I try to use it. Why don’t I just put it back on the charger after I use it? Because sometimes, even though I’m perfect, I fuck up every now and then and become lazy as shit. Just like right now while I’m writing all this fucking nonsense.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Tramp Scampi

Tramp, because I used frozen, pre-cooked shrimp which is easy. Like a tramp. Scampi, because well, it’s scampi. Brilliant.

This was so fucking easy. It’s baked so you’re not standing over the stove with one hand stirring the shit while the other is holding your wine. You now have both hands free to keep filling your glass. You’re welcome.

Shit you’re gonna need:

16 oz. of frozen pre-cooked shrimp that’s been thawed (I’ll say it again, thaw the little bitches first. My shit was also sale for $4. Holla!)

½ cup of butter (it’s a full stick there genius)

2 tbs of Dijon mustard (I used generic because I’m still a redneck at heart and I refuse to pay full price for Grey Poupon. And what kind of name is Grey fucking Poupon. Shitty marketing department if you ask me.)

1 tbs. of lemon juice (I used the shit that’s in that little squeezy bottle that looks like a lemon. I don’t keep fresh lemons on hand. Only limes…and I think you can figure out why.)

2 cloves of crushed garlic (I used the jarred kind because I wanted my little crushes to be symmetrically perfect. Can’t get that when you’re chopping the shit yourself and you’ve had a glass of wine. Don’t ask how many times I’ve tried. It’s embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as having your son’s baseball coach seeing you in your robe with wet hair while you run out to the driveway with Tupperware in your hand yelling at your husband who’s pulling out of the driveway that he left his lunch. The guy actually waved. Ugh.)

1 tbs of parsley (Yup. I used dried. And dried is fine. You’re not on fucking Iron Chef, so calm yourself there Morimoto.)

½ tbs of Old Bay (ahhhh, good ‘ol Old Bay. Fucking genius came up with that shit. Or maybe it was Jesus. Because it’s that fucking perfect.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 450. Imma throw a tidbit in here for ya’…I put my scampi over spaghetti noodles, so if you’d like to do that, start boiling your water now and get those noodles cookin’.

Use your Kitchen KY (aka, non stick cooking spray) and spray down a 9x13 pan. Put in your shrimp and slide those bitches over cuz we ‘bout to make the sauce.

Melt in a saucepan your butter, your Dijon, the lemon juice, garlic, parsley and old bay. Basically all your shit except the shrimp. Once it’s melted, pour it over your shrimp and since the shrimp is already cooked, just bake it for about 10 minutes so it doesn’t get tough. You’re just heating it up. Then put your shrimp on your noodles, pour some of the sauce on it and voila mother fucker – you’re done!!! (insert sound of our wine glasses clinking together) Cheers!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My kids won't eat shit. Part Quatro

Chicken, Brocolli, Cheese and Rice

The hubs caught the cold I had. Oooooops. That's what happens when you make out with someone. Thought I’d share.

So, with this cold, he requested chicken and rice. But I thought, “…that’s fucking boring.” Kinda like watching the Suite Life of Zak and Cody. Fucking dumbass show. Those twins should’ve stopped at Big Daddy. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 cooked and shredded chicken breasts. (I like breasts. Double meaning there.)

¾ of a bag of frozen broccoli, cooked and put aside

2 cups of cooked rice. I mean, I used 2 cups of rice and then cooked it. Who the hell knows how much it actually made. I also used the quick boil shit. Don’t judge.

4 tablespoons of butter

4 tablespoons of flour

‘bout 3 cups of milk

‘bout 3 cups of cheese

Salt to taste. (In my house, that means a shit load of salt.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Since you’ve already cooked and shredded your chicken and cooked your broccoli and your rice, all your lazy ass has to do now is make your cheese sauce and throw this shit together.

I’ve posted homemade cheese sauce before, but because I know you’re probably just as lazy as I am and you don’t wanna be diggin’ through shit to find the recipe, let’s just go over it again, shall we?

I cooked this in my dutch oven pot. But a big stockpot will do you good. Something you’d make chili in. Melt your butter in your pot and when it’s pretty much all melted, put in your flour. Now, flour tastes like shit, so you’re gonna need to cook this with the butter for about a minute to get that shitty raw flour taste out. Don’t get your panties in a wad when it gets a little clumpy, kinda like mascara on a walk of shame; it’s supposed to do that.

The reason I said “bout 3 cups of milk” is because I eyeball this shit. I start by adding about a cup of milk at a time and then whisk the hell out of it. Keep adding milk until you get the consistency you want. Start adding handfuls of cheese until the “cheesy” flavor your arteries desire is accomplished. Keep whisking and adding milk if you like more cream (again, double meaning there) and then this is where the salt comes in.

In this house, salt means love. I don’t typically salt food too much when I’m cooking. Because I feel it’s the person’s responsibility who’s eating your shit to clog their own arteries. Also, the desired level of salty goodness is as individual as your ability to pull off a pencil skirt versus an a-line to cover up your gut. But whatever.

Once your cheese sauce is perfect, because with my help, I know you nailed this, put in your chicken, broccoli, and rice and stir. It makes a shitload. And in this case, shitload means “it feeds 6-8”.

If you’re a badass, try this with it…pour your shit in a 9x13, put breadcrumbs and cheese on top and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes. You can also cover your 9x13 and stick it in the freezer to cook later. Now, there’s three options for you…don’t tell me I don’t care…cuz deep down in the bottom of the hooker heels I bought last night, I do.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Brett Fava Beans and Rice

Fucking love beans. Pour that shit over rice and I’m all over that like a homeless man on a half eaten hot dog. I also saw Brett Favre’s Green Bay Pecker and immediately craved sausage…with beans and rice.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One bag of red beans (One of those bags of Goya will do you good. You find generic? Go for it cheap ass. I’m right there with ya’)

A big ass bowl

2 tablespoons of vegetable oil

1 teaspoon of salt (I’m not gonna comment on your sodium levels or anything, but you’re probably gonna need more than that. Wait until the end when you’re shit’s all done and you can really judge the flavor. Keep your panties on and keep the salt in the jar.)

1 teaspoon of pepper

1 teaspoon of dried oregano (yes, I know it’s a lot, but so were Mel Gibson’s rants but it was ultimately worth it)

1 onion (chop that shit up baby!)

1 Green Bay pepper (chop that shit up too!)

1 horseshoe shaped sausage (that ekrich shit is what I’m talking about)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Alright, you’re gonna need to Minnesoak your beans in a Super Bowl. Overnight. Trust me on this. Don’t do that whole “boil in hot water for two hours” shit. How fucking hard is it to sit this shit in a bowl while you sleep? Nada. Moving on…

Once you wake up and have your cup of coffee…or four, drain and rinse your beans. Personally, after I do that, I put that quarterback in the fridge because I’m not ready to cook those fuckers yet. So, let’s hop into the DeLorean and fast forward to 2pm.

Put your beans in a big ass pot and cover those little boogers with about 2 inches of water. Add your seasonings and your onion and pepper and bring to a boil. Once it boils, all ya gotta do is just bring it back down to a simmer and let it sit until about 5pm. You’ll need to stir it every time you pour yourself another glass of wine (or maybe that’s just me). At 5…chop up your sausage in little ¼ inch pieces and throw it in. It’s already cooked and it has a lot of salt in it, so now would be the time to taste your seasonings. So get your groove on that salt if you need more.

For the rice part, I honestly use that 5 minute quick boil shit. 1 cup of water equals cup of rice. In five minutes, that shit’s done.

Hubs said the little bean fuckers tasted like peanuts. And that’s a good thing considering he can eat his body weight in “side of the road” boiled peanuts. But so can I.

NF”hell yeah!”