Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Shit you’re gonna need:
2 cups of peanut butter (I used creamy. Isn’t creamy always better?)
½ stick of butter, softened (Take your finger, poke it in the fattest part of your ass and that’s how soft the butter should be. Good rule of thumb there.)
3 ¾ cups of powdered sugar (You don’t have to sift it. Seriously, I don’t want to dirty another dish, nor do I give a shit if there’s lumps. And yes, I know it’s a lot of powdered sugar, but really? Do you care? Didn’t think so.)
12 oz. bag of semi sweet morsels (I used generic and I used the mini ones. They melt faster, kinda like the ice in my vodka when it’s a 127 degrees here in July.)2 tbs of vegetable shortening (It’s crisco smart guy.)
Other shit you’ll need to get out:
Baking sheetWax paper
Shit you’re gonna do:Beat together your peanut butter and butter. Yeah, I said “beat”, moving on…once it’s combined you need to slowly add your powdered sugar. Believe me when I tell you to do it slowly. Add a little at a time. Because when I first read that way back when I didn’t know shit, I dumped all of it in and let it fly. Literally. And trust me; powdered sugar on the floor is NOT easy to clean up. (Bonus powdered sugar story right after the recipe, it’s a doozy.)
So, now you’re trying your damndest to not stick your face into the bowl of sugary goodness that you just created. You’re gonna roll this into little balls. Me? I like big balls for a couple of reasons. Let’s break that down, shall we? First, there’s a lot of this fucking mix, if I make small balls, it’ll take me more than one bottle of vino to finish. I don’t like to just stand there, playing with balls getting drunk. At least not on a Tuesday. And second, the more balls I make, the more I have to stand there and dip the bastards in chocolate. I ain’t got that kind of time. So, I made them all exactly 1 tbs each. Yes, I used a measuring spoon. Now, start rolling, lay them on your waxed paper on a baking sheet and throw those bitches in the freezer for an hour. Ooooooh snap…didn’t see that coming did you? Yeah, I’m making you wait. Girls do that.
Hop in your phone booth, bill and ted time machine and fast forward an hour. Now, before you take the balls out, melt your chocolate and shortening in the microwave. You’ll want to use a bowl that’s kind of deep so that you have enough dipping room. Start with about a minute, stir and then if you need a little more, do it in 30 second increments. Then dip your balls in your chocolate but leave a little of the pb showing. That way it actually looks like a buckeye. I used a skewer which is why it looks like a nipple of some sort. Or some other falic term. Keep these little fuckers in the fridge when you’re all done. Enjoy!!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
- People who chew their gum like a cow. Are they trying to get an award for this shit? It’s disgusting no matter who’s chewing it or where it’s been placed after chewing. Fucking gross.
- Terrible mothers. I’m not a fucking angel and yes, I lose it every now and then. But come on, get a grip, you’re the only one they’ve got. Own up sister or keep your legs crossed.
- When I’m over the moon to try a new recipe and then realize I don’t have one ingredient. Fucking annoying.
- When I call someone, they don’t answer and then they immediately text back and say “what’s up?” Um. I get it if you’re in a meeting or something, but don’t text me right away. Wait an hour and then say, “Sorry, I was in a meeting discussing the budget deficit and couldn’t take your call.” Because I know your lazy ass was sitting on the couch avoiding me. Trust me asshole, I wouldn’t be calling you if I didn’t need to actually speak to your dumb ass.
- I hate “vague-booking”. You know those assholes that put their status as “Omg, I’m so excited!” Of course they just set you up to say “Wow, for what?” Listen douchenozzle, just say whatcha gotta say. We’re probably not reading it anyways. And if we are, we’re bored out of our fucking minds or drunk. Either way, it’s annoying as hell.
- People that give me a dirty look when I lay coupons on the counter for the cashier. Look princess, I’ve got 932 items on the belt, six or seven coupons isn’t gonna break your day. You saw that when you walked up, you pretentious little twat. If you’re in that much of a hurry to buy your KY 20 minute battery operated cock ring, use the customer service counter so I don’t laugh at you for not actually going to an adult superstore.
- Annoying hookers who wear high heels that first, don’t fit, and second make them walk like they just got gang banged by WWE wrestlers. You obviously didn’t pay much for the cheap ass dress you’re sort of wearing, so spend the money on some heels that don’t make you look like a dog trying to walk on two paws.
- People who hold one glass of wine for an hour. “Are you going to drink that? No? Then I will.” Let’s not waste it people. There’s starving people in
Africawanting to get drunk.
- Crossing guards who help another crossing guard cross the street. I swear I see this dumb move once a week when I head to carpool. It’s not like two bright orange vests are gonna make me slow down any more than one, so just hurry up there jumpin’ jack flash.
- When I leave the house phone off the hook and it’s dead when I try to use it. Why don’t I just put it back on the charger after I use it? Because sometimes, even though I’m perfect, I fuck up every now and then and become lazy as shit. Just like right now while I’m writing all this fucking nonsense.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Shit you’re gonna need:
16 oz. of frozen pre-cooked shrimp that’s been thawed (I’ll say it again, thaw the little bitches first. My shit was also sale for $4. Holla!)
½ cup of butter (it’s a full stick there genius)
2 tbs of
1 tbs. of lemon juice (I used the shit that’s in that little squeezy bottle that looks like a lemon. I don’t keep fresh lemons on hand. Only limes…and I think you can figure out why.)
2 cloves of crushed garlic (I used the jarred kind because I wanted my little crushes to be symmetrically perfect. Can’t get that when you’re chopping the shit yourself and you’ve had a glass of wine. Don’t ask how many times I’ve tried. It’s embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as having your son’s baseball coach seeing you in your robe with wet hair while you run out to the driveway with Tupperware in your hand yelling at your husband who’s pulling out of the driveway that he left his lunch. The guy actually waved. Ugh.)
1 tbs of parsley (Yup. I used dried. And dried is fine. You’re not on fucking Iron Chef, so calm yourself there Morimoto.)½ tbs of
Shit you’re gonna do:Preheat your oven to 450. Imma throw a tidbit in here for ya’…I put my scampi over spaghetti noodles, so if you’d like to do that, start boiling your water now and get those noodles cookin’.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Shit you’re gonna need:
3 cooked and shredded chicken breasts. (I like breasts. Double meaning there.)
¾ of a bag of frozen broccoli, cooked and put aside
2 cups of cooked rice. I mean, I used 2 cups of rice and then cooked it. Who the hell knows how much it actually made. I also used the quick boil shit. Don’t judge.
4 tablespoons of butter
4 tablespoons of flour
‘bout 3 cups of milk
‘bout 3 cups of cheeseSalt to taste. (In my house, that means a shit load of salt.)
Shit you’re gonna do:Since you’ve already cooked and shredded your chicken and cooked your broccoli and your rice, all your lazy ass has to do now is make your cheese sauce and throw this shit together.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Shit you’re gonna need:
One bag of red beans (One of those bags of Goya will do you good. You find generic? Go for it cheap ass. I’m right there with ya’)
A big ass bowl
2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
1 teaspoon of salt (I’m not gonna comment on your sodium levels or anything, but you’re probably gonna need more than that. Wait until the end when you’re shit’s all done and you can really judge the flavor. Keep your panties on and keep the salt in the jar.)
1 teaspoon of pepper
1 teaspoon of dried oregano (yes, I know it’s a lot, but so were Mel Gibson’s rants but it was ultimately worth it)
1 onion (chop that shit up baby!)
Shit you’re gonna do:Alright, you’re gonna need to Minnesoak your beans in a Super Bowl. Overnight. Trust me on this. Don’t do that whole “boil in hot water for two hours” shit. How fucking hard is it to sit this shit in a bowl while you sleep? Nada. Moving on…