Sunday, February 28, 2010

Crazy Ass Crock Pot Adventure - Recipe 1

So, I got something up my butt and decided that I’m gonna use my crockpot for 5 days straight. We gots us a crazy week ahead and I gotta make sure my bears are fed. Someone…I won’t name who, but someone in my house turns into a cranky asshole if he doesn’t eat. Anyone else have one of those? So, join me on this stupid ass adventure. I’ll post the recipe the day before but, if you’re a weekly meal planner like myself, this week isn’t for you. I’m gonna sort of fly by the seat of my pants here.

Chicken Pie-ay-uh (at least that’s how I pronounce it)

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 chicken breast, cubed (I would rather punch a cat in the face than have to cut up slimy chicken, so I’ll probably make the hubs do this part)

2 tablespoons of olive oil

Half a horseshoe of sausage, sliced in ½ inch pieces (what the fuck? Let me explain, you know those smoke sausages that you buy near the bacon that look like a horseshoe? Buy one and cut it in half. That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout)

1 onion, sliced (yeah, no chopping)

3 teaspoons of garlic, minced (yes, lazy ass, you can use jarred, but again, I fully believe in fresh minced garlic. Although I hate chopping that shit)

2 teaspoons of dried thyme

1 teaspoon pepper

¼ tsp. paprika (still don’t know what this shit is for)

1/8 tsp. of saffron (Go easy with this shit. This will tear your ass up…literally)

½ tsp. tumeric

14 ½ oz of chicken broth (I’ve made my own in the past, but I ain’t got time for that shit. So, I buy a big ass thing of it every week.)

½ cup of water

2 small tomatoes, diced (or one large ass one if you want)

2 yellow pepper, diced (fuck dicing. Hate it.)

1 cup of frozen peas

Rice (I make this right before I use it. You’re gonna pour the paella over it)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Brown up your chicken in the olive oil. Put your chicken, sausage and onion in the crock pot. Top with your garlic, paprika, thyme, pepper and saffron. Pour on your water and the broth. Cook on low for 7-9 hours or high for 4 ½ -6 hours.

Once your house smells fucking amazing, take off the lid, pour in the tomatoes, peppers and peas. Put the lid back on for about 15-20 minutes and then serve this shit over rice.

Not only will this shit taste good the first night, but leftovers are going to make you drop your pants. Trust me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

God are you there? Its me, Margaret (D2)

Anyone else read that book in elementary school? Well I sure did and it has nothing to do with this bad ass recipe I'm about to post, I just wanted to name it that k?

ps, this is D2

Ok, so I'm getting (read: have been for a long) a little flumpy in the mid-section. I'm trying to shed some of this leftover baby weight I have hanging on for dear life around my belly. I believe I have what's called a FUPA. If you don't know what that is google it, b/c I'm fairly certain my dad reads this blog and I have to draw the line somewhere on the profanity that I use. But basically the FUPA is a large fat area around ur mid-section. One could call it lasagna belly. You get the picture. Unless you're skinny, then I pretty much hate you. ANYway, the point is I'm trying to find some lower calorie type yumminess to cook and eat 'round here before I find my fat ass geting kicked off a Southwest flight - know what I mean?

Sweet-Ass Potato "French Fries"

So I've never been a sweet potato eater. I've always thought of sweet potatoes as that nasty-ass orange mushy shit that someone sticks some fucking marshmallows on at Thanksgiving and calls it a side dish. I mean, who eats that crap? d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g.

Shit you're gonna need:

* as many sweet potatoes as the Lord allows. Or just enough to feed your fam, whether that's 2 or 20 - whatever, up to you.

* cooking spray


* big ass roasting pan thingy

Shit you're gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees and don't stick your head in there, that shit is hot!

Wash those fuckers, b/c they ain't going in water for the yuck to be boiled off. Don't be gross, take the extra 56 seconds to wash off some produce guy's piss hands from your sweet taters. Now cut these bastards up into french fry looking shapes. Cut them to fit the styling needs of your family. I just cut and cut, no shape really. But you can cut them into wedges, or shoestring fries, steak fries, or whatever - get crazy. ps - cutting sweet potatoes is the equivalent to doing 15 bicep curls, I checked.

Now spray said large-ass roasting pan thingy with some cooking spray. Then lay all those lovely taters in there. The drizzle EVOO all over them, now don't get too crazy here people we're trying to watch our ever-growing FUPA. So coat them, but don't get crazy. Unless you weigh 106 pounds after you've had 2 kids and u have red hair, then use as much as you want.

Sprinkle with salt and peppa - and a little spinderella. just kidding.

You could also put some fresh rosemary on these beauties but who's got fresh rosemary?

Stick them in the oven for like 15 minutes, take them out and flip them around, then another 15 minutes. These will turn into little slices of heaven in just 30 short minutes. They are GUD!

You're welome, now back to our regularly scheduled program.

ps - if you're doing weight watchers like me a cup serving of this is just 1 point. Rejoice.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Chicken Pot Satchels

Am I the only one who shops at walmart with their camera phone turned on? I’m absolutely positive that I’ll see some asshole dressed like a pig in pink fishnet stockings with a whale tail popping out and I’ll be right there to immediately upload it to peopleofwalmart. It’s a sad sad life I lead.

While I was on one of my weekly shopping trips to Walmart. Yes, I said weekly, I looked over at someone literally putting ever single can of crescent rolls that were available into their cart. Before I knew what they were, I got closer and saw and thought to myself “oooooooh. I get it. Crescent rolls. Yeah, I could eat that shit everyday too.” But what I really said out loud to the person was, “Can I have two of those please, I have a coupon?” Let’s just say I went home without crescent rolls. Asshole.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One package of precooked chicken (I keep at least two boxes of this shit in the fridge. Someone needs to write a cookbook on 101 ways to use Perdue precooked chicken. Oh wait. I could do that. Think I will.)

4 oz. of softened cream cheese (yes lazy assholes out there, you’re more than welcome to put it in the microwave until it softens. Because you’re probably like me when you got home; you opened the fridge and were like “holy shit…what the hell am I going to eat?” You looked under the couch cushions for enough change to go to Taco Bell, but it’s a no go, you only found $0.42 and your kids’ piggy bank is empty from that last second decision to order pizza three weeks ago that you swore you would replace)

Half a bag of frozen peas and carrots (you can use whatever frozen veggies you want, but heaven forbid I put a fucking vegetable on my six year olds plate, so this is how I sneak shit in.)

Handful of shredded cheese (I say handful because I honestly didn’t measure it. I didn’t want the hubs to get his worn out boxer briefs in a wad about washing more dishes. What is it about men and the need to hold on to old ass underwear like Michael Jordan signed it?)

1 package of crescent rolls (mmmmm, crescent rolls. The devil makes them. I know it.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375. Open the package of chicken and avoid the smell of cat food that lingers out and chop that shit up and then dump it in a bowl. Add your cream cheese, your veggies and your shredded cheese. You want more cheese, add more cheese; it’s your extra trip to the gym, not mine. Stir it all up until and put it aside. Oh yeah, add some salt and pepper if you’re feeling dangerous.

Next get out your cookie sheet. You don’t need a fucking silpat or any of that shit to protect your pan. There’s enough butter in those crescent rolls to not only play slip n slide with an old shower curtain with your husband, but it’s enough that that shit ain’t gonna stick to the pan. But if you’re worried about global warming, spray your pan with non stick spray. Unroll your package (that’s what she said) and try your damndest to only separate your triangles into squares. See picture below because I know for damn sure I ain’t explainin’ myself all that great. But what you need to end up with is four sort of rectangles. Press the seams and pat these bad boys out until they’re a little bigger and a smidge thinner. But not too thin – you don’t want them to tear when you fold them over. Put a big ass dollop of your mixture in the middle and then fold that bitch over. Use a fork to seal the edges and move on to the next three. Bake these bitches for about 18 minutes and enjoy.

Word to your mutha!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Shrimp with tomatoes and Feta…or should I say Fucking Great Ass Shrimp. I’ll go with the latter…

I was skeeeeered shitless to make this. I’ve never cooked shrimp before. I’ve marinated them and slid those bastards on skewers for the hubs to grill, but nope, never tackled the shit on my own. But the one thing EVERYONE told me was, ”…don’t forget the white wine”. And I said “Well, duh. Oh wait, you mean to cook with. Gotcha.”

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 tablespoons of olive oil (I need to buy a jug of this shit)

Half an onion, minced (okay, you know I’m a shitty chopper, but the hubs saved me. He pulled out one of those chopper thingys that I got a long long long ass time ago that you pound the top and it chops it for you. Hot damn – what a concept!)

2 garlic cloves, minced (see above for new chopping technique)

½ cup of white wine (Drink the rest. My friend Alynne and I did)

1 can of diced tomatoes, drained (But save the juices. You might want your sauce thinner than mine. I happen to like things thick ;)

1 tablespoon of dried oregano (I don’t keep the fresh shit on hand. It’ll go bad before I use it)

Sea salt (This is by far my new favorite spice in the kitchen. It tastes really really good on Oreos that have been dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with sea salt. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about chocolate. Shit is good.)

Red pepper flakes (I’m a spicy gal. I like a little heat and so does the hubs. But the kiddos, not so much. So do this according to taste. But don’t be a dumbass and put a whole lot in at first. Too much and you’ll find yourself in the bathroom reading an entire copy of Entertainment Weekly in one “sitting”.

Paprika (I don’t know what to say about paprika. I don’t know what it’s for except to make deviled eggs look pretty. But what the hell, why not)

4 oz. of crumbled feta cheese (mmmmmm, cheese. Cheese is right up there with Jesus and butter if you ask me.)

1 ½ pounds of peeled shrimp with the tails on (If you buy your shrimp and they give it to you in a plastic bag that’s been wrapped in butcher paper, make sure when you get home, if you’re not cooking it that day, to take it out of the bag they gave you and put it in a large Ziploc bag. The fish guy told me to do that. I don’t remember why, I just believed him. I’m sure he went to college for this shit.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

If you’re gonna put this shit over noodles, I recommend you go ahead and start getting the water boiling. This bitch cooks fast.

Heat up your oil in a pan and cook the onion until it gets translucent. Alton Brown had a whole sh-peel about how it really doesn't get translucent, it just gets opaque. He’s right. Because he’s a cooking god. And I believe everything that comes out of his mouth.

Once the onions have cooked, throw in the garlic for about a minute. This shit will burn quick! So, this isn’t the time to starting an effing knitting project. It’ll start to smell like…well, like cooked garlic. You’re not stupid, you’ll know.

Next, pour in your wine and tomatoes. Stir and then add your oregano, salt to taste, red pepper and paprika. The original recipe called for Greek oregano and some dumbass sweet Hungarian paprika. Seriously? Who has that shit? So, I had to change some crap. I’m sure Martha wouldn’t approve. Me and her need to have a come to Jesus meeting about getting her panties out of a wad.

Let this come to a boil, then drop the heat down to medium, and let it cook down for about five minutes. This is where the thickness will start to happen (yup, I said “thick” again. I enjoy it). Then add the cheese and the shrimp. Now, if you’re like me and you never cooked shrimp…believe all the people that are telling you that this shit will cook fast. No effing joke here. Once the shrimp goes in, cover it and let it cook for 3 minutes or until they look cooked and then take it off the heat because they’ll continue to cook a smidge more.

That’s it bitches! It’s done! Pour this shit over noodles and scarf it down. I highly recommend toasting a thick ass piece of bread to slop up the juices on this bad boy. Cheers!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Buffy's Bad Ass Brie

Oh I love her so. Funny story about me and Buf...the last time we hung out, we went and saw New Moon and she discovered that not only can I eat my way through some effing popcorn, but I can talk my way out of a $165 ticket. "Oh sure, go ahead and turn left, don't worry about that sign that says you can't, I do it all the time!" said Buffy. (Insert police lights here). I was all "oh shit...the hubs is gonna take away my Visa!" I plumped up my bra, checked my lip gloss, but DAMN, it was a GIRL cop! No worries, I can swing it both ways...I got this. So yes, I talked myself out of a ticket by just running my mouth and acting like a fucking idiot. That's some mother fucking talent right there.

So, here's a brie and apple recipe that she stole from Dexter's. And if you live where I do, you know Dexter's is the shit. If you're gonna knock off a recipe, these are the bastards to do it from. Please take note that my dumbass comments will be in italics. And if you're an idiot, I'll let you know that italics are when the letters are slanted. Take it away Buffy...

Baked Brie (total Dexter’s knock-off) -- What the hell, right?

Stuff you’ll need (Shit you’re gonna need):

Some kind of bread (I used a skinny baguette from publix, use whatever you want)

A round of brie (fucking love brie – that and my new favorite Monchego. Thanks to my dear lovie, Barb)

Cooking spray (I use the Olive Oil kind)

Apples (I have to buy these by the bag full. Kids go through ‘em like they’ll never grow again. If you're ever out of apples, come to my house)

Grapes (okay, is anyone else out there paying effing $3.00 a pound for these little boogers that make you shit a lot? Cuz, I am.)

Strawberries (I could eat these every day of my life – but they’d have to be dipped in chocolate)

Almond slices

Powdered sugar (I think powdered sugar was only created for funnel cakes, can I get an amen?)

What to do: (Shit you're gonna do:)

Slice the bread in half long ways. I also cut it in half as well so I could make 4 pieces (and yes, the hubbee and I both finished BOTH of our pieces, delish!) Place bread on cookie sheet and spray with a little cooking spray. Bake at 350 for just a couple of minutes to get it crispy. See below….

Next you slice the apple & brie REAL THIN and lay on top of bread, apples first, then the brie. Back in the oven it goes until the cheese melts.

After the cheese melts, I broil it for a minute or two because I like when cheese gets all bubbly and a bit crispy on the top (be sure to pick-up any cheese that melted on the cookie sheet and shovel it in your mouth, ya know, just to taste and make sure everything is going as planned)

Then, top with sliced strawberries, grapes and almonds.
And last, sprinkle with powdered sugar all over. I know it doesn’t seem like this would do much, but it is actually what ties the whole thing together to make it Heaven in your mouth (insert whatever bad thought you may have here) (heehee, oh I did Buff, oh...I...did)

ENJOY!! (make sure you have a delicious wine to drink while you eat, if not, #1 you are a sissy and #2 it’s just not as good)

AMEN!!!! Thanks Buffy!

btw, Buffy is a rockstar photographer. She just had an art gallery opening here to launch her business...bad ass!!

I have ADD

No, seriously. I do. So, I'm already thinking of St. Patrick's day and what I'm gonna make. I'm Irish, the hubs is Irish and I feel it necessary to celebrate a holiday that I absolutely know nothing about so I can drink and cook. And the reason I'm telling you this shit is because I'm gonna need you to save a box of Girl Scout thin mints. Your ass will thank me. "Say whaaaaaat?". I know how hard this is people. But I'm not asking you to show your tits to the guy cutting your lawn here or anything. I'm going to be making Creamy Irish Pie and I ain't using no boring ass crust. We're making that shit with thin mints baby! Can I get a "hell yeah?" So, buy an extra box, put that shit in the freezer and walk away.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Don't you dare call this shit quiche (D2)

Hello there young bucks, guest blogger Danielle here again to share with you this awesome recipe for egg and meat pie. Or man soufflé. Or egg/cheese/bacon bake. Call it what you like, but don't you dare call this shit quiche or your man won't eat it.

So I made this shit during our double eff you blizzard up here in Va last week. See, I went to Costco with all the other assholes who thought the world was ending to buy some essentials. On a side note, why is it that with a blizzard on the way people think they're going to be taking extra shits? I mean, I've never seen people buy so much fucking toilet paper in my life. I don't get it. Anyway, let me go back to my man pie story.

So I was a Costco stocking up on chicken, doritos and a new helicopter seat when I went to get some eggs. The fucking egg section was completely empty. Dammit - no omelets during our snow-in. So on my way to the register with the other 239846725 assholes in line I come across a Costco employee carrying some eggs. So I ask him, "hey Costco guy - u putting those back?", he says yes and I ask/tell him to hand the shit over. And just my luck, its a package of 90. So I had to make a quick decision, 90 eggs or no eggs. So I go with 90.

Anyway, as you can imagine, I have to come up with some awesome egg recipes STAT to use 90 eggs in about 5 weeks. Enter man pie.

So I offered to make my husband a quiche like a year ago and he was all like, hell no baby - men don't eat quiche. Alrighty then... pretty sure its just eggs, meat of some kind, cream, cheese, and whatever else you want to throw in there in a pie crust but what do I know? I've actually never made one before until I had 90 eggs to go through.

Shit you're gonna need:

* 5 eggs, 1 egg white --- now I don't know what dumbass came up with that ratio or if its even important to have the 1 almighty white. But some website that I came across when I googled "bad ass man quiche" told me to throw a fucking egg white in with 5 whole eggs so I went with it. I trust google and so should you.

* some kind of meat. I used some manly ass smoked sausage dick looking shit my husband loves to make this an official man-pie. You can use bacon or ham or turkey sausage or brats or whatever the fuck you like, I don't care.

* an array of cheeses. I used like a cup of cheddar, half a cup of parmesano reggiano (or whatever rachel ray uses - I bought a truckload of that shit at Costco) and half a cup of mozzarella. I hear people use swiss in quiches, but not me I hate swiss. Just throw whatever you got in there, I don't think it matters

* a cup of cream and a half cup of milk. Now if you don't have cream, don't lose your panties over it - just use a cup and a half of milk. Cream just makes it more gooder.

* ready made pie crust. Now I'll be honest, the only reason I even made this man pie was because I came across a refrigerated pie crust that had been hiding out in my fridge since xmas. Who knew those fuckers keep that long? Well, they do.

* vegetables if you want... (I didn't put veggies in mine, but if you want to be all healthy, I won't judge you)

Shit u're gonna do:

Heat up your oven to like 375. Brown up your man meat.


While cooking your meat, throw all your other ingredients into a bowl and mix that shit up. Add some salt and pepper if you want or any other seasonings if you so desire. I think I sprinkled some garlic powder in there, but I can't remember.


Anyway, spray a pie plate with some cooking spray and roll out your pie crust. When your meat is done cooking, throw that shit in with your egg/cheese mixture and holy shit, you're ready. Pour that shit into the pie crust and bake it for like 50 minutes. I know that's a long ass time, but what do you want from me?

Finished product:


Anyway, I served this up for my husband and called it meat and egg bake or some shit and he tore it up. After he was done licking his fingers I told him it was a quiche and he said, "no it was not" and instead of arguing I took a mental score of me: 1 him: 0 - one point closer to world domination.

I was a dumbass once.

Well, more than once, but I thought I'd share this with you.

A long long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, before I even met the hubs, I had an apartment of my own. It had a stove. And I had pots and pans and dishes that my grandmother gave me as a house warming gift. I was like "what the hell am I supposed to with this and what the hell is a tart pan?" There was no internet access, no Giada, and no iPhone apps to pull up a recipe on. My mom was convinced that without Taco Bell and Ramen Noodle that I might never survive. So, one of my dumbass friends came over and we were probably drinking wine out of a box when we decided, "hey, we're two stupid college kids, let's make lasagna." So, I called my mom and as I was only half paying attention to what she said (some things never change), me and dumbass headed to the store. After we got home and pretended like we knew what we were doing, my mom called about two hours later. "So, did you two idiots figure it out?" she asked. "Well, yes, but it took a long time to boil the noodles." I said. "What the hell are you talking about, it should've only taken 10 minutes for that shit to boil!" she exclaimed. Well, apparently, when I was only half listening, half writing it down and half helping dumbass straighten her hair to go to the freakin' grocery store, my mother said "...then you put in the noodles one at a time so you don't splash boiling water on you because I know you'll do that because you're an idiot." And yes, I'm pretty sure that's how she said it. So, the dumbass that I was, I boiled That's right - it took approximately two hours to boil all the noodles. Fucking idiot.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Are you shitting me right now? No. But I will be after I eat this.

Does anyone else use the recipes on the side of Campbell’s soup cans? I want to be the person who sits down at the computer at the Campbell’s soup company and starts their day by saying to themselves “hmmm, what are the shittiest foods ever made and how can I get them into a can? And how can I mix them all together and get toddlers and truck drivers to eat them?”

Cheeseburger Pasta

Shit you're gonna need:

1 lb of ground beef (I used the package I had in the freezer labeled “I prepared myself bitches”. It’s all cooked and ready to feed the crazies in my house yelling at me that they’re hungry.)

1 can of cheddar cheese soup (you can use Campbell’s if you’d like. But those bitches aren’t paying me to put this on my blog, so you use generic if you want. The only reason I probably had the name brand shit is because it was a bogo or I had a coupon and it was cheaper than generic. That’s right people, not only am I an uneducated redneck, I’m cheap too. Go figure.)

1 can of beef broth (read above for generic vs. name brand)

1 ½ cups of water (please tell me you already have this)

½ cup ketchup (please tell me you have this shit too. If you have kids in the house and you pop frozen chicken nuggets in the microwave to stop the “I’M HUNGRY” noise, then you probably have ketchup. If not, use the packets from McDonald’s that have been in your fridge since the last time you got shnonkered and went through the drive thru at 1am)

2 cups of uncooked pasta (the recipe called for medium shell pasta, but I buy generic, so it just says “Pasta” on it and underneath it says “Pastas” which I assume is in Spanish. So, thank you Wal-mart. Thank you for teaching me all the Spanish I need to know.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

If the beef you have is cooked, literally put all this shit in a pot that'll hold it all, bring it to a boil, then cover and let it simmer for about 10 min until the pasta is done. If you’re meat isn’t cooked. Just brown that shit up and then pour in the rest of the crap and let it cook for 10 min or until it’s done. Seriously. That’s it. Fucking easy, right?! And you can eat this shit for days. And you’ll become “regular” in 7.4 minutes after eating it.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Brat-wurst, not Brought-wurst

You’re a pansy if you say “brought-wurst”. And your name is probably Duncan and you attend chess matches in your spare time.

Shit you’re gonna need:

An onion (as some of you know, yes, I’m allergic, but yes, there’s these new pair of boots I saw at DSW, so I’m gonna put onions in this shit so the hubs doesn’t think twice about paying for them)

A green pepper (my momma-seeta used to chop these up and serve them with ranch dressing. I like to call that redneck crudités)

3 tablespoons of butter (are ya’ll seeing a pattern here with butter? Buy that shit and bathe in it, it’s worth it)

Brat-wurst (I buy the pack that’s already cooked and look like giant thick ass hot dogs. I’m lazy, that’s why)

Hoagie rolls

Shit you’re gonna do:

Let’s start by cutting up the veggies. Again, a little recap...I’m the shittiest food cutter/chopper/slicer ever in the history of choppy choppiness. I watch Giada do it all the time, but honestly, all I can do is stare at her cleavage. Really, I learn nothing. So, you’re just gonna have to slice these up the best way you know how. I’m no help here.

After the veggies are sliced, melt only two tablespoons of butter…”But you said 3 tablespoons!!!” I know dumbass – hold on, I’ll get there. Geez. So, when you see that yellowey goodness all melted and heavenly like, throw in your sliced veggies. Stir those bitches around for a few minutes. When the hubs comes over and hovers over the stove with his mouth hanging open and peeking down my shirt, I know it’s time for that last tablespoon of butter. Throw it in and stir all this drama around and keep letting it cook for a smidge more. If you’re dangerous, like adventure and enjoy long walks on the beach, you might want to throw in a little salt and pepper here. If you’re a cliff diver and say the F word in front of your mother, then you can use a little steak seasoning as well. But you use what works for your taste buds. Bud. What a funny word. I sound like Fat Albert when I say it. Gotta drop my voice real low and stick my belly out to say it. But you do what makes you happy.

While those fabulous veggies are a cookin’, use another pan to heat up about an inch of water. Throw in your thick ass brats and hold it to a simmer for ‘bout 10 minutes. “Wow, that’s a great idea, how did you ever figure that out?” I read the directions on the package. Fucking brilliant. I will now run for President.

So, by now, your veggies are cooked, your brats are cooked, your wine glass is empty, so it must be time to eat. Slice open your rolls, spread some butter on those bastards and toast ‘em under the broiler. PAY ATTENTION – those fuckers will burn. Quick.

Assemble your samich, open mouth, insert food. Repeat until you either burp or let one rip. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Chinese Coleslaw (stick your chopsticks up your ass, you won't need 'em)...guest blogger bitches!

Okay, before you read on, I just have to say that I met one badass girl tonight. Put your hands together mother effers for my new BFF, "L". Swear to the twinkie gods, this bitch is cool. She's a fan of the blog and first and foremost, the bitch will drop an F bomb within four minutes of meeting her. My asshole puckered a little bit. Sa-weet. So glad I met her, and totally excited that we got drunk together. Here's to you "L", you're a badass! Smooches!!

And now...for our guest blogger..."H". This bitch is hilarious. She had me cracking up from the first five minutes of meeting her around a bonfire in Ohio in June. Only in fucking Ohio can you have a bonfire in June. It's 121 degrees in Florida at 8:00pm in June. There's no fucking way you want to go near anything that's hot. Especially fire. But we drank sweet tea vodka, laughed our asses off and I can't wait to get back up there to hang with her. Cheers "H"...miss you and "A" a hell of a lot. Now here's her fucking recipe.

Chinese Coleslaw

This shit is good slop! Gotta try it. Kids look at it and say eww gross I ain't eating that. Here is the recipe for Chinese Coleslaw. Easy shit to throw together....

Shit ya need:
Bag of slaw mix or 1 head of cabbage shredded (owner's side note: who the hell has time to shred fucking lettuce, buy the bag assholes)
4 green onions chopped
1 package of sliced almonds
3 tbsp. sunflower seeds browned in ½tsp butter
after seeds have cooled mix all of the above together

you'll also need chicken flavored ramen noodles; these go on before serving. (owner's side note: bitches, I went to college, I lived off ramen noodles. love that shit.)

1 cup vegetable oil
1 cup sugar
1 package chicken ramen seasoning
6 tbsp. rice wine vinegar
shake all above together (owner's side note: "shake...that...ass for me...shake that ass for me." yeah, I had a smidge of vodka tonight. Don't hate mofo's)

When ready to serve - break up ramen noodles over slaw. Pour dressing on top; mix and serve.

Hope ya like it. Good shit and good for your shitter too.

(I love you "H"'re a badass)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Shephard’s Pie, but not really. I mean sort, of but not.

I don’t know what the hell to call this. But I do know that the meat you cooked up and put in the freezer from a previous post is waiting for you, right? Did you keep your panties on long enough to wait for this recipe? I hope so. I’d hate to think you went to Target without panties. Or maybe you like doing that. Or maybe you like wearing your slippers there like I do. Or maybe you wish SuperTarget had a liquor store. Just me? No?

The good news is that it took me about four minutes to put this meal together. Why? Because I prepared myself bitches. That’s right. Took that shit right out of the freezer and I was ready to bring it.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of already cooked up ground beef (if you were a genius like me, you’d already have some in the freezer, so heat that shit up in the micro)

1 can of beef gravy (no joke here, just a can of beef gravy)

Half a bag of frozen veggies (I used a bad ass combo of peas, carrots and then a half bag of corn. You can’t screw this shit up, trust me)

Bisquick (I keep a huge ass box of this shit on hand at all times. My southern ancestors would shit themselves if they saw this. I was raised to make biscuits from scratch. But THEY didn’t have their facebook status to keep up with. I got shit to DO people)

Milk (it’s to make the biscuit dough with)

Shredded cheese (‘bout a cup will do ya’, but you use how much you want. Don’t be whining to me when you can’t squeeze your ass into a new pair of jeans)

Baking dish (okay, size does matter in this case. I used a 9x9 oval baker. It’s enough so that it’s hot and thick all the way through. Wait…what was I talking about?)

Shit you're gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 450. Spray your baking dish with non-stick spray. Again, I buy that shit in bulk, because the hubs will be pissed at me when he cleans out the fridge to find nine day old shephard’s pie and he can’t get all the shit out of the dish because I’m the asshole who forgot the spray. But you do what works for your family.

Next, mix your cooked ground beef, your can of gravy and your veggies all together in a big happy bowl and take notice that you’ve made a concoction that looks pretty close to dog food. After those ingredients are mixed and in love with each other, pour it into your sprayed pan and spread it around evenly and set it aside.

Now you’re gonna do what I’ve been taught to never ever ever to do. Make biscuit dough from bisquick. I don’t see what the damn difference is. That shit makes bad ass biscuits and quick I might add. Hence the name bis-quick. I’m sure there’s a book out there of 101 things to make from bisquick and I’m surprised I haven’t found it yet. I’ve bought every other crazy ass cookbook out there. I even have the twinkie cookbook. But that’s a story for a different day. Let’s move on. You’re gonna use the recipe on the box for nine biscuits. It’s gonna be 2 ¼ cups of mix and 2/3 cup of milk. Mix it together and then go wash your hands because I’m sure you picked your nose or petted the dog or something while I’m trying to explain this shit to you. So go ahead, I’ll wait.

You done? Good. Make a little two inch ball of dough and then flatten it. Lay it down on top of the ground beef/dog food concoction. Repeat this step and connect all the pieces like a big ass doughy puzzle. I know I’m an ass at explaining this, so see the picture below. And do you notice anything? You can see both of my pale ass hands! The hubs was more than willing to give me a hand as long as I gave him one…wink wink.

After you’ve pieced your dough puzzle together, you’re gonna bake this for about 20-25 minutes. Here’s the kicker…ya’ gotta throw on the cheese when you’ve got about 10 minutes left of cooking time. So, here’s the math for ya’, set your timer for 15 minutes. Open the oven, pull out the dish, sprinkle on the cheese and then put the dish back in the oven, close the door and set your timer for 10 more minutes. And you’re done!!! Btw, this shit is GREAT for leftovers. Just ask the hubs.