Sunday, July 29, 2012

My Effing Rules for Men

While farting around on the world wide web, I came across an “expert” column that advised its readers on “Five Ways to Satisfy Your Woman”.  I thought, “Alright.  Let’s see whatcha got.” Good. Lord.  If you’re twelve and trying to get a date for the eighth grade dance, by all means, follow that advice.  But if you’re a grown up.  Like, a real grown up.  A grown up that can shoot tequila and still recite your times tables and the Preamble, then you’ll need a new set of rules.  My rules.  Follow along…but first…

Dear Women Readers,

If you read the below rules and think “OMG.  This is so crass and so wrong.  This is NOT the way I would want to be treated.”  Then let me tell you something.  Get off your unicorn, climb down the steps of the tower you’re waiting to be rescued from, and buy a thong.  This is the real world, baby.  Deal with it.


Their rule number one:  “Tell Her You Love Her”

My rule number one:  Bullllllllllllshit.  Rule number one and what will always BE number one is, “Learn How to Go Down on a Girl BEFORE you tell her you love her.”  Don’t get me wrong, every girl wants to hear “I love you.”; I get it.  I’m one of those girls.  But, before you get to that, you need to know how to take a good muff dive.  If you’re unsure of yourself, search the web, watch porn (like I have to even tell you to do that), practice on a peach, whatever.  Just get good at it.  And THEN, after 4,327 licks, you’ll get to the center of that tootsie roll pop.  And rest assured my friend, you’ll even get an “I love you” back. 
But AFTER you get your bob knobbed.  Just keepin’ it real, fellas.

Their rule number two:  “Listen to Her”

My rule number two:  “Listen to Her…bitch and moan.”  Yes.  I mean that.  Sometimes a girl just needs to vent.  But men?  You guys like to “fix it”.  We may not need you to fix anything.  We just need you to be that one thing in the room that’s converting oxygen to carbon dioxide and finish by saying, “Can I make you a drink?”  By the time she’s done bitching about who did what to her and “You’ll never believe what this bitch at work did!” she’ll be telling her friends the next day, “He’s SUCH a good listener.”  I’m not saying you have to retain everything she says here, you may just need to hit your record button.  Take in enough that you can recite a few lines back and you’re solid.  She’ll be all “Omg, baby, you totally understand me.” And BAM, you get laid.  It might be twenty minutes of her bitching for your two minutes in the bedroom, but that’s your problem, not hers and I’ll refer you back to rule number one.

Their rule number three:  “Compliment her”

My rule number three:  “Compliment her…on what a bad ass she is.”  Skip the “Those jeans look amazing on you.”  She won’t believe you anyways, so find a personality trait to compliment her on.  Be impressed by her accomplishments even if you don’t know what underwater basket weaving is.  That’s why Jesus invented smart phones.  Head to the first page of google and fill your head with important girl shit like, the exact rules for Bunco and the difference if between a Muscato and a Chardonnay.

Their rule number four:  “Don’t flirt!”

My rule number four: “Don’t flirt…with other people”  I’m sure that’s what they meant, but seriously, if you’re in public with your girl, FLIRT WITH HER.  A kiss on the neck is a little PDA, yes, but an extreme turn on.  A squeeze on the thigh under the table.  An ass grab while waiting for your table.  And if you’re really brave and you’ve been out a few times, I triple dog dare you to whisper in her ear, “I can’t wait to wake up with you in the morning.”  Whammo!

Their rule number five:  “Take Her Out More Often”  They also say this “…this is another way to satisfy your woman and make her happy. Take your woman out with you whenever you are going out with friends. Have fun with her. You can take her to nice restaurants and even shopping. You don’t necessarily need to spend – all she wants is for you to spend some quality time with her.”

My rule number five: “Don’t call her ‘woman’” and yes, “Take Her Out”, but honestly, knowing me and my girls, we love to dress up and go out every now and then, but boy do we like hanging out in yoga pants, opening a bottle of wine, cooking dinner with our guy, and watching a movie.  If you’re lucky, you won’t even get to see the whole movie. Hehe.  Seriously, if you dig this girl, you’ll love her in yoga pants.  If you don’t want this girl in sweat pants and no make up, then you don’t deserve her in lingerie or even a wedding dress.

God speed, lads.  God. Speed.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

A kick in the taco pasta

Tacos are dramatic.  Are they not?  Seriously, all the shit you have to buy…the shells (and then you’re all “omg, do I get crispy or soft?”), the tomatoes, the lettuce, the cheese (which you should probably already have, but still…), sour cream, the meat, the onion, the taco seasoning, errrrrrgh.  And on top of that, taking the leftovers to work the next day is a crock of shit and fucking complicated.  So, I make a pasta dish out of it.  And not only do I shovel this into my pie hole, so do my kids.  Winning!

Shit you’re gonna need:
1 pound of ground beef (if you have yet to reach puberty and your balls haven’t dropped yet, use ground turkey.  But if you’re a real man, or better yet, a woman, use red meat.  Don’t be a puss.)
Half a large onion, chopped (fucking hate chopping; I suck at it)
2 garlic cloves, minced (if I thought I hated chopping onions, I for damn sure hate chopping garlic.  I imagine it’s how Hagrid feels chopping a muggle size onion. You understand, yes?)
1 can of diced tomatoes, drained (Call me crazy, which most people do, I love opening these.  Only because it smells like a bloody mary when you open the can.  It also reminds me of the pickled asparagus the boyfriend’s dad makes for a good ‘ol hair of the dog. Nom, nom, nom.)
3 to 4 tablespoons of taco seasoning (I buy this by the canister because I use it a lot.  When I buy those little packets, or at least I thought I did, I get pissed when I’m all “Shit. I thought I had it.” And no.  I don’t make my own.  That’s like making pancake mix from scratch.  Why?  It’s already done.  Make things easy people. Save time for things like playing Yahtzee and watching Family Guy in the nude.
Cooked pasta with about ½ cup of the pasta water saved (I’m honestly not sure how much.  I’m about as good at measuring pasta as I am chopping onions.  Shit doesn’t work for me.  So, I make the whole box and just save what I don’t use.)
½ cup of sour cream (yeah boy!)
3 oz of cream cheese (there we go!)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Start by cooking your onions until they’re tender.  Add your garlic for like, a minute, so it doesn’t burn and then add your beef.  “Beef”, what a solid word.  It’s strong like, “ox”, “crowbar”, and “carburetor”.

Once that’s done cooking, I highly recommend you draining the fat off and rinsing it.  I understand you’re about to put cream cheese in, but it’s not necessarily the calories I’m talking about here; I’m talking about grease.  It just doesn’t make for easy stirring and even consistency.  I’m not looking out for your thighs here people, just your presentation.  Because I’m a good friend.

Put your meat back in the pan and set the temperature somewhere between low and medium.  Would that be medium low, or low medium?  Hmmm.  Then add your tomatoes, your taco seasoning, your pasta water, the cream cheese, and the sour cream.  Now stir until it’s all swirling around in a melody of epicurious love.  Add as much pasta as you want (I don’t add too much because honestly, I’d rather just slurp this shit straight from a straw, but hey, you do what you want.).  You could probably put fresh cilantro on it, but seriously, why?

Now, doesn’t this seem easier to take to work for lunch the next day?  I know.