Monday, September 19, 2011


Alright. I’m fucking addicted to Pinterest. Of course I “pin” all this shit I wanna do, but never end up doing it. I just waste four hours oooohing and ahhhhing over crap that I’m all “hell! I can do that.” And these corn dog muffins were one of them. So, today I said “fuck it. I’m making these bitches.”

My four year old thinks that corn dogs come straight from the hand of Jesus. But I imagine that like with most kids, you put something on a stick, they’ll eat the hell out of it. Deep fry that shit and dip it in ketchup and the world stops. Think they could do that to Brussels sprouts?

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of Jiffy corn muffin mix

One egg

1/3 cup of milk

4 ¼ hot dogs (I’ll get to the Algebra on this shit later.) (And no, I didn’t buy the organic all natural bullshit ones. I bought ballpark. Deal with it.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 400. Mix your corn muffin stuff, egg and milk. Now when I say “mix” I mean just stir until it’s moistened. Those little bastards of lump will cook out. Trust me like you trust Charlie Sheen. Wait a minute…

Moving on. Now spray your muffin tin down with kitchen ky. And a lot of it my friend. Then add the mix about ½ way in each tin. This shit is gonna puff up when you put the hot dog in and it’ll rise a little when baking. It’ll make about eight muffins. Not enough to feed the fucking neighborhood, but enough to where one of your best friends’ kid comes over and his eyes pop out of his head at the site of a hot dog in the shape of a muffin wrapped in corn goodness. Best. Feeling. Ever.

So, once you’ve got the mix in the tins, you’re gonna have to call your old trigonometry teacher and ask her what the fuck I mean. I say that, but honestly, I never took trig. I barely passed basic math. Failed Chemistry and barely passed geometry because me and my friend Megan would skip class to go to Taco Bell. Fucking miss high school. Damn those were good times.

Where the fuck was I? Oh, pouring my third glass of wine…

So, you’re gonna need to cut your hot dog in 4ths and put two of the 4ths in each muffin tin. I have no idea how else to explain that. Can’t figure it out, tough shit. The picture will work. And if you did it right, you’ll have 3 ¾ of hot dogs left. Did your head spin off yet?

Bake for about 15-19 minutes. I baked mine for about 22 and they were a bit crumbly. So, I think undercooking them a smidge, would help them stay together better. It didn’t stop all of us from shoving them in our pie holes and eating with a fork now did it?


Action oven shot!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Chicken Bog

Conversation between myself and the woman who birthed me and never lets me forget how much it hurt…

“Mom, what the hell does ‘bog’ mean in chicken bog.” “Well, it means thick, dense, heavy, weighs you down…kinda like a man.” Oooooookay.

Paula Deen has a version of this. Mine’s easier. No offense to the Butter Goddess…bitch is a genius, but I got this shit down.

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 chicken breasts (I’m sure three breasts are better than two. Ask a man.)

1 of those horse shoe shaped sausage thingys (I use beef flavored. I like beef. But you knew that.)

1 stick of butter (hells yeah)

Lawry’s (Like, a teaspoon maybe? Shit, I don’t know.)

2 chicken bouillon cubes (Just like Worcestershire, I have no fucking idea how to say “bouillon”. Is it boo-yawn? Fuck. Who cares.)

4 cups of instant white rice (Instant. Like the shit that cooks in 5 minutes.)


Stock pot

Shit you’re gonna do:

Cover your breasts with about four inches of water. Think of the times you’re soaking in the bathtub. You don’t want your nibbles popping out and getting cold, so make sure they’re good and covered. (Cold nipples…no bueno). Put the lid on and start bringing it to a boil. Add your stick of butter, Lawry’s and boo-yawn cubes. While this is boiling, cut up your sausage in about ¼ inch slices, then cube those into quarters. For those of you who are members of MENSA, that means four. Once it comes to a boil, take the lid off and let all that shit get to know each other for like, an hour or so.

Take out your breasts, add your rice, put the lid on and then shred the chicken. It’ll take about oh, five minutes. Add back your chicken, stir and stuff your pie hole. Amen.