Saturday, February 19, 2011

Crock and Balls

If you’re a regular to this site, you’ll know that I traditionally put stove top stuffing in my meatballs and bake them. Different story today people. I’m livin’ on the edge. Just like a Kardashian wearing a skirt below the knee.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (mine was a little over a pound because apparently the fuckers at Publix can’t get it to a perfect pound.)

1 beaten egg

½ - ¾ cup of seasoned bread crumbs (I used those because I didn’t want to season the shit out of the meat. There’s parsley already in the crumbs so don’t starting whining because your mama puts fresh parsley in hers.)

1 tsp of onion powder

1 tsp of garlic powder (why did I use powders? Because they disperse more evenly since we’re separating the meat into little ass balls. And if you don’t know what “disperse” means, a. you’re stupid and it.)

½ cup of shakeable parmesan cheese (Not the real shit. The fake shakey stuff.)

1 jar of your favorite marinara (I used a big ass can of Hunt’s. It was $1. Don’t judge.)

Shit you're gonna do:
Mix together everything but the marinara. Now you’re actually going to have to touch the meat. Don’t tell me you use gloves. Put your big girl panties on, take off your grandmother’s wedding band and dig your hands in that grimey shit. Roll them into one inch balls. The size of…well…balls. The secret to balls that don’t crack when you cook them is to make sure your balls are smooth. No cracks before cooking = no cracks after cooking. Now, heat up some olive oil in a big ass skillet; enough to generously coat the bottom of the pan.

Mine made sixteen balls. Smaller balls means more balls. Bigger balls mean more man. And less meatballs. Now, you’re gonna brown these little bitches in olive oil. And don’t say “omg, another fucking step? Another fucking pan to clean?” Pipe down princess, it doesn’t take that long and it’s worth the effort. Just like wearing Spanx. Here’s two more reasons your lazy ass needs to brown them. First, it locks in the flavor and second it keeps the grease to a minimum that will come out when the meat is simmering in your slow cooker. A lot of the grease that might’ve gone onto your ass is actually left in the pan. And keep the olive oil at a medium temp so you don’t burn anything. I learned the hard way.

Once they’re browned, you can either continue on to the next step, OR, after they’re cooled, you can put these bad boys in a freezer bag and shove them in the freezer until you’re ready for them. If you choose to accept that challenge, you’ll just put your frozen balls in the slow cooker and change your cooking time to low for 6-8 hours.

If you choose not to freeze yours and continue your ball making adventure, put your newly browned balls in your slow cooker and pour your marinara over it. Turn that bitch on low for 4-6 hours and those bitches will taste great sliding down while sitting on top of a freshly toasted sub roll.

Hubs liked these so much that he told me I could buy whatever I want. Well then…I’ll let you know when I’m back from Macy’s…