Monday, June 25, 2012

I want a Krystal burger but it’s not 2am and I’m not shit faced drunk. But this will do.

Crescent Burgers (aka, Krystal and White Castle taste-a-likes)

Not to proud to admit this, but I’ve never eaten a Krystal burger sober.  I was, however completely sober by the time the “after effect” of those damned things hit me.  Greek mythology wasn’t the only thing I learned in college.  Hehe.

The original recipe for these made only half.  Why the hell would you make just “a little” of something that tastes so mother trucking good?  That’s like “Oh, that glass of wine that you just poured?  You can only have half”.  Stupid.  So, I like to live life on the edge; go out on a limb; put my big girl panties on and just go for it.  So, I doubled the recipe.  No regrets here, my fine people.  No. Regrets.  Had enough for me and my hot preschool teacher friend to stuff our pie hole and STILL enough to freeze for when I’m shit faced drunk at 2am.  But whatevs.

Shit you’re gonna need:
2 cans of crescent rolls (just in case your application to MENSA was denied, that totals 16 crescent burgers)
1 pound of ground beef (I just found out that red meant isn’t good for you.  Bullshit.  That is complete and udder bullshit.  Don’t believe the haters.  And if you tell me that sex is bad for me too, well then, expect to get punched in the esophagus.)
1 large onion (you be needed lots of this to get that 2am taste)
‘bout 4 big splashes of worteshire sauce (I had no idea how to properly pronounce that word until I saw Shrek.  Anyone feel me on this one?)
2 big ass handfuls of shredded cheese (I think I used cheddar jack.  But sharp cheddar would be just as satisfactional.)
1 egg
1 tablespoon of water

Shit you’re gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 375 and then spray down a baking sheet with some kitchen KY.  The crescent rolls have enough butter in them to where they wouldn’t really stick, but just like an ex-girlfriend, let’s just be safe here.

Now, sauté your onion until it’s tender and then add your meat.  Cook that until it’s done and then I strongly suggest you rinse and drain this.  The grease, although fucking delicious, will NOT help you put these burgers together.  Let’s leave the grease to the professionals, aka, Krystals.  When you've rinsed and drained, add your handfuls of cheese and stir.

Here comes the part where I totally fuck up your mind by trying to explain how to make these.  After a few vodka tonics, I tried my best to take pictures that would qualify for Life magazine, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.  So, let’s just follow along with the pictures.  Brace yourself…

You’ll need to separate your triangles.  Then put about two tablespoons of the meat mixture on the fat end of your triangle.  Not sure how else to describe that.

Then take your skinny end, flop that shit over the meat so that the point goes over the fat end.  (Shit.  I’m so annoyed at myself at describing this.)

Now, take your fat ends and lay them on top so that their little ends touch or even overlap.

Then ever so gently, like the bosom of an angel, you’ll lift up your little patty and tuck the skinny end under it and then back over and lay it on your baking sheet.  Got that?  Good.  Repeat 15 more times.

Then you’ll need a hot ass preschool teacher like I have here to mix one beaten egg (we won’t joke about the things she likes to beat.  She’s a teacher for goodness sake!) and the tablespoon of water and mix with a  fork.  I couldn’t find a brush to “wash” these things with, so we poured it with a spoon and rubbed it in.  Rubbing works.  Always.

 Baked this schnizz for about 15 minutes until golden brown!  We had eight leftover, which I happily put in the freezer only to heat up two weeks later.  If you do that, just know that it worked.  Feel free to freeze the leftovers and when you’re drunk at 2am, pop these bad boys in the oven at 350 for about 15 minutes. 

Serve with mustard only.  You're an asshole if you use ketchup.  You're also an asshole if you spell it "catsup".  Only the dollar store brand spells it that way.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Fish in a bag, baby! ~submitted by Patty

(My own half-assed “recipe” for lack of a better term.  Calling it “throw some shit together and hope for the best” would also be a good term)

The first time I had this was at an over-priced and overly-decorated (yah mon) restaurant, and I fell in complete lust with it, and proceeded to jones for it for months.  Turns out that the restaurant doesn’t even make it anymore, so I had to figure that shit out for myself. 

A couple of nice things about making it at home are a) eating in my PJ’s (or Bra and Panties* when the kids are at their Dad’s), and b) finishing off the rest of the bottle that didn’t go in the recipe. 

*Note – Never EVER cook nude.  Bad things happen.

Shit you’re gonna need –
Couple of Filets of Fish (one per person – or more, I suppose, if you’re hungry)
A Lemon
Clove of Garlic
Olive Oil
Fresh Dill
White Wine (dryer the better)
Salt and Pepper
Parchment Paper (Not waxed – No “essence of crayola” here, ew)

Shit you’re gonna do

Set your oven to 350.  While it’s getting hot, bust out your favorite zesting tool. I use a Microplane grater, but maybe you’re lucky enough to have a fancy-pants Zester.  Strip the whole lemon (insert your favorite porn music here), and set the poor naked fruit aside.  Take your clove of garlic and slice it up really thin.  If you really like garlic, please feel free to use more than one clove.  Snag a couple sprigs of the fresh dill and strip off the leaves(?).  Note how careful I am with my measurements.

Get out a regular sized baking sheet (one with raised sides preferably, to catch any leakage) and pull a large enough sheet of parchment to fold in half and still fit the width of the pan. Lube up one half of the paper with the Olive Oil (doesn’t have to be extra virgin or anything. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be olive oil, I guess…just lube it up with something.)  Take your sliced Garlic and lay it out in the oil.

Fish time!!!  I used Tilapia for this because, well…Lots of reasons really.  First…shit’s cheap.  Second, screw Tuna being chicken of the sea – Tuna is always gonna taste like Tuna, Tilapia is going to taste like whatever you cook it in, just like chicken. I say the “Chicken of the Sea” Crown should go to Tilapia! Regimental overthrow!!!!!  But honestly, you can pretty much use any fish you want.  The Rasta Restaurant used Mahi-Mahi which is also delicious, nice and firm and meaty (just the way I like it, yeah), but it’s also more expensive. 

Anyway, fish…yes, let’s get back to the fish.  Salt and pepper one side, and then lay it on the parchment, overlapping is fine, but I’d stick the skinny sides on top of each other so it cooks evenly. Make sure that you leave a good amount of paper on the loose sides; you’re gonna need it.

Time to dress the fish!  Take your lemon zest and your dill and sprinkle them as evenly as you can over the filets. Next, roll your discarded (and probably needy) lemon on the counter a couple of times to soften it up, cut it in half, and squeeze it right over the fish (if you squeeze it cut side up – no seeds).  Then take your $10.99 bottle of Chardonnay, pour yourself a glass, and then pour a little of it over your fish, too.

Now for the hard part. As carefully as you can, fold up the sides of the parchment making it into a sealed “bag.”  Start with one side and kind of make little crimping folds all the way around until it’s completely closed.  Make sure that there aren’t any gaps for the steam to escape while it’s cooking.  If you happen to have a stapler at home, staple that bitch shut. 

Stick the pan in the oven and bake it for about 20 minutes.

Open it carefully, because it’s gonna be steamy. Serve it with whatever you wanna serve it with.  I had mine with Brown Rice (cooked in vegetable broth and recaito) and Green Beans.

Now, this is how I made it…this time.  The time before this, I used a couple of different herbs.  You could throw some vegetables in the bag too if you want; tomatoes, zucchini, or asparagus maybe.  Whatever Creams your Twinkie. Proceed to drink the rest of the bottle of wine.  You can even share the bottle if you like.  I, however, did not.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Faking It.

This is the ONLY time you will ever hear of me faking it.  Just sayin'.

It rained so muthertruckin much this week, that I swear I fucking floated to work.  Which leads me to believe that I apparently missed the memo from God where I was supposed to build an ark.  So me and the kids were locked in the house today which meant I had to get creative.  Aka, go on pinterest for three hours and claim that “mommy is working”.

Here’s the original link because gotta give credit where credit is due.  I changed some stufft up because for some reason, no matter how much shit is in this house to cook with, I never have what I need.  Son of a bitch.

Shit you’re gonna need:
3 bananas (Use the spotted, five day old ones if you have them.  I didn’t because I just bought these yesterday.  I could’ve used the whole bunch of five that I had on hand but heaven forbid my kids wake up in the morning and don’t have a fucking banana.
1 ½ heaping tablespoons of peanut butter (the original recipe called for “natural”.  Fuck that.  I’ll buy natural peanut butter the day we find out what Lady Gaga’s natural hair color is.)
2 tablespoons of hot cocoa mix (again, the original recipe called for dutch processed cocoa powerd.  Use it if ya got it.  I don’t.  Call me crazy, but I have no fucking clue what “dutch processed” means.  I actually imagine little tiny men who live in windmills wearing wooden shoes processing the cocoa.)
½ cup of chocolate chips (the original didn’t call for chocolate chips, this was actually my eight year olds idea.  Smart kid.  I guess I won’t sell him the gypsies after all.)

(I know this is only two bananas, but I swear on Trump's toupee that I used three)
Shit you’re gonna do:

Slice the bananas into a bowl or on a plate and stick in the freezer for about an hour.  When they’re done, you’re gonna pull out your beast of a food processor and dust that bitch off.    Fun.

Pulse the bananas until they look like little beads of banana.

Keep pulsing until it’s creamy, hehe.

Then add your peanut butter and your hot cocoa.  Honestly, the cocoa didn’t make that much of a difference but we decided after that fact that a tablespoon of nutella would’ve been amazing with this.  Too bad we polished off our tub of it at breakfast this morning.  Don’t judge.

Once that’s all pulsed together and nice and smooth, stir in the chocolate chips, pour in a bowl and stick in the freezer for about another hour or two.

This is about as healthy as ice cream is ever gonna get, my friends.  My kids are completely convinced that this is the real deal.  They’re now adding shit like sprinkles, and gummy worms to their bowl.  I don’t mind; my second vodka tonic just kicked in.