Sunday, May 19, 2013

Soooooooo, my bitches.  Guess what?  We've got a little early Memorial Day present for you mofo's.  You want it?  Like, you really, really, really want it?

Here's the video for "Puffy Butts"

Puffy Butt Video

You love us.  We get it.


Delaina (D1) and Danielle (D2)

Yes.  Those are our real names.  Not our stripper names.  They're like, the names our mother's gave us.  On purpose.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Fajita Flank Steak Roll

“OMG. Ariel!  Sunday night is Cinco De Mayo!” “Yup. And all Sunday morning, and Sunday afternoon, too!” Smart ass.  But I love her.  I love her more than Snooki loves a good spray tan.

So, with Cinco De Mayo today, I thought it appropriate that I attempt something of the Mexican origin.  Besides homemade margaritas; cuz you know that shit’s goin’ down.

Me: I should make something Mexican-ish to post for Cinco De Mayo...what should I make?
Hubster: How ‘bout something with meat, cheese, sauce, and tortillas.
Smart ass.

Shit you’re gonna need:
Flank Steak (As you can see, I had two of them.  If you make more than that, you’ll need to double the filling recipe and I refuse to give you the amounts on that because I was an English major; not a math major. Although you’ll never be able to tell that with my seriously bad grammar.)
Olive oil
Montreal seasoning (If you don’t have this in your cupboard, make sure you smack the shit out of yourself for denying this goodness from hitting your deprived taste buds.  Not to be dramatic or anything.)
½ of a red onion, chopped
1 red pepper, chopped (you’ll have leftovers, but I’ll fill you in on what you can do with them.)
1 yellow pepper, chopped (see above comment)
1 green pepper, chopped (see above above comment)
4 oz. of softened cream cheese (You know it’s soft enough by taking your index finger and poking it into the fattest part of your thigh.  If the cream cheese feels like that, then you’re golden.)
1 tablespoon of fajita seasoning (Completely ignore the picture below that shows taco seasoning.  Pretend you never saw it.  Just like Jersey Shore.  It never happened.  Or at least it shouldn’t have.)
Chopped garlic (Yes. I used the stuff out of the jar. Big deal. Concentrate on something more important like, whether or not Captain and Tenille are going to make another album.)
Half of a lime (Having limes in our house is about the equivalent of having running water.  It's always available.)
1 teaspoon of fresh, chopped cilantro (Not gonna lie, the cilantro I used had been in our fridge for about 2 1/2 weeks and was slimey.  Still used it.  Didn't give two shits.)

Other shit you’ll need to make this happen:
Plastic wrap
A meat tenderizer
Kitchen twine (You think that’d be easy to find in the grocery store.  It wasn’t.  The grocery clerk had an easier time guessing my bra size than guess where the fuck the kitchen twine was kept.)

Shit you're gonna do:

So, the label didn't actually say "flank steak", but the kitchen twine sure as hell said "kitchen twine."

To make the flank steak evenly flat and thinned out, you'll need to wrap this shit up Dexter style and pound it with a mallet.  *Note: the steak will stretch out; I highly recommend turning it the other way unless you don't mind the meat sneaking out between the plastic wrap.  I sure as hell didn't care.  I pounded that shit anyway.

After you give a good pounding (see what I did there?), you'll need to make cross hatch marks.  But only on one side.  The side you make these marks will be the "outside" of the roll.  It helps it roll easier;   but don't cut all the way through, just lightly cut the surface.

Now you're going to season the meat.  I used olive oil, montreal seasoning, and salt and pepper.  Although the hubster said "Um. Montreal IS salt and pepper." My comeback? "With garlic."  He was right. 

I have to show off our salt and pepper shakers.  They're battery operated.  My in-laws have these and when I used them at their house for the first time, I peed a little (it was a fantastic first impression, I'm sure.)  Not only do you press that button to make them work, it has a light on the end so you can see what the hell you're doing and how much shit you're putting on your food.  The only issue is that you have to remember to take the cap off the bottom.  We forget about 4 out of 10 times.  So, this past Christmas, guess what we got from them?  Yep.  Electric salt and pepper shakers that look like boobies.

Just rub in a little bit of olive oil.  Seriously.  A little goes a long way, just like lube; maybe like a drop the size of a pea.

Add your salt, pepper, and montreal seasoning and rub it all in.  Flip sides and do the same thing.  You'll now have the side of the meat that you'll need to fill, facing you.  The cross hatch mark side will now be facing down.

Here's the deal with the peppers.  As some of you know, I fucking hate chopping.  Like, I'd rather be the one giving Fat Bastard a Brazilian waxing instead of chopping all this shit.

So, I use this.  It's from Pampered Chef.  But I'm pretty sure there's knockoffs at Williams Sonoma, Ross, and Marshalls.

I coarsely chop...

...and then, the pounder/cutter thingy does it's magic.

And no.  I'm not going to use all that.  I used about four big heaping spoonfuls of it.  The rest?  I saved in the fridge for eggs in the morning or for whatever I'm cooking during the week.  With a husband, four boys, baseball games, gymnastics, boy scouts, under water basket weaving...we really need to use some short cuts.

So, in about one tablespoon of olive oil, I sauteed the cut veggies for about three minutes or so.  Not too long.  Don't want shit soggy.  But at about the last minute, I dropped a heap shit of chopped garlic in the pan.  It smelled glorious.  Don't over cook it because as wonderful as this smell is right now, you burn that shit and it's gonna be fucking ridiculous to get out of your head.  Just like when you're at Yankee Candle and you smell all these wonderful candles and then you pick up a shitty one, take a deep breath, and then you cough and gasp for air because you feel like you just smelled the ass of a skunk.

While your veggies are a cookin', preheat your oven to 400 degrees, and then feel free to start the cream cheese mixture.  It's just softened cream cheese and you stir in your taco fajita seasoning.  Nothing complicated and you're more than welcome to lick the bowl.

Half a lime and cilantro all ready to go. (Obviously this picture does not depict the "chopped cilantro" that I had previously mentioned in the ingredients list.)

Spread half your mixture on to one piece of steak and then the rest of it on the other piece of meat.  Rocket science, I tell ya.  I'm a fucking genius.

Next, add the veggies and smush them in with your hand.  Also squeeze the lime equally on each piece of meat and then divide the cilantro on each piece, accordingly.  I like to use fancy technical terms like, "smush" and "thingy." I'm sure my parents are pretty proud about all that money they spent on college.  Didn't do shit.  Except that I can conjugate the FUCK out of a verb.  Word.

When you roll these little fuckers, you're going to roll them starting with the small side.  Meaning, the small side will be on the inside of the roll.  You don't need to do this "doobie" style; like, roll a little, then tighten, roll a little more, tighten a little more - there's no need.  Just roll this bad boy up and tie this bitch up however you see fit with kitchen twine.

With the advice from my friend, Martin, you'll need a dry pan to sear these in.  I used this advice and thought well in advance for my husbands sake regarding how many dishes he'll have to wash and decided on a pan that works for the stovetop, as well as the oven.  It's a win, win. (Yes, there's a little piece of extra steak there that I cut off one of the flanks so we could munch on. )

Brown on all four sides and then put in the oven for about ten minutes.  I say ten minutes because I overcooked these by cooking them for about fifteen minutes.  We like medium rare, so you're really going to have to keep an eye on these bastards so you get just the right temperature.  Sorry for the wishy washy time limit, but I assure you, it's easy to figure out.

Make sure you take off the kitchen twine before diving in...

My husband is a proud member of the "clean plate club."

And there he goes grabbing at the bits of leftover sauce.  Atta boy.

1. Tenderize and season your meat.  Include cross hatch marks.
2. Preheat oven to 400.
3. Cut up veggies, saute for a few mintues and then throw in garlic. Saute for a minute more.
4. While veggies are cooking, mix your cream cheese and your fajita seasoning.
5. Spread cream mixture on your meat.
6. Add your veggies, then lime, and then cilantro.
7. Roll meat and tie up with kitchen twine.
8. Brown all four sides of "roll" and then put in the oven for about 10 minutes.
9. Pour a glass of red wine, eat, enjoy, and then lick the plate clean.