Monday, May 21, 2012

Slow Cooker Pulled Pork and Root Beer Sandwiches

So -  unfortunately for me, and you I suppose, I can't come up with a catchy/funny/dirty name for these yummy slow cooker pulled pork sandwiches that I made yesterday with a can of root beer and some BBQ sauce. I searched my little inappropriate brain, all the way down to the secret chamber that holds my nastiest thoughts.... nothing. So this is it my friends, Slow Cooker Pulled Pork and Root Beer Sandwiches is the best I could come up with. I need to get out more. And yes, you heard me right --- pulled pork with Root Beer. We're crazy and living on the edge people - join me won't you?

Side note, I don't typically have a can of root beer sitting around my house. My office supplies us with free sodas, so I ganked this can from work. Rebel yell muthatruckas!!!!!!!!

I can't get this freaking picture to turn, no matter what I do. So it's sideways - kinda like me and D1. 

Shit You're Gonna Need: 

  • 2-4 lbs of pork butt. I'm pretty sure this is labeled shoulder, which is obviously retarded.  Get more or less, depending on how many people you're feeding and if any of them are fatties that may each 2 sandwiches.  Oh, and make sure that booty isn't frozen.
  • 1 can of root beer. I've heard of people also doing this with Diet Pepsi or Dr. Pepper. I can not vouch for the latter 2 and how those taste. If you choose a different soda, please let me know how it turns out. If it tastes like shit, your fault - not mine. 
  • 1/2 a bottle of  Sweet Baby Ray's Barbecue Sauce, or your favorite BBQ sauce. I prefer Sweet Baby Ray's because it has a cool name and the shit is good. I also like the Jack Daniels one, for obvious reasons. Pick a favorite and use 1/2 the bottle - ole'!
  • Lawry's Seasoning Salt or Montreal Steak Seasoning. Either will do the job.
  • Some rolls. Rolls usually come in a pack of 8, so that should do it.  You can use those cheap hamburger buns that are like a buck, or even go all out and get some potato rolls. I got my rolls from the "Oops we baked too much" section in my grocer's bakery. Love that shit, roll baker has a hangover and miscounts - I save a dollar. I win! 
  • Your crock pot and 9 hours til chow time.

Shit You're Gonna Do: 
Make sure you do this shit a whole 9 hours before you plan to eat it. Don't get home from work at 6:15pm and think you're gonna throw this together - not gonna happen Sugar. 

To start, take your pork butt out of the package and leave the fat on that hog.  Poke that piggy with a fork and get it nice and ventilated. Then, take your seasoning of choice from the list above and generously sprinkle it all over your swine - both sides.  Pat it on, so it's nice and stuck to the meat.  If you want, you can take this extra step and brown your butt before putting it in the crock pot, but honestly you don't really have to. Heat up a pan with some olive oil and brown your booty on both sides. I did this, but only because I'd had 4 cups of coffee already that morning and had lots of energy. Again, not really a necessity. I'm sure you've got better things to do in the morning than to smell frying pork ass. 

Ok so, where were we? Right..... after you've browned it or if you haven't - next step is throwing that bad boy into your crock pot. Now, be sure that your crock pot is big enough for the size of your meat. Don't you hate when it doesn't fit? Now, pour your can of root beer/diet Pepsi/Dr. Pepper over the meat and cook on low for 7-8 hours. Keep an eye on your pork booty around hour 6 or so and see what it's status is. I find that depending on the meat, the cook-time can vary.  If you put this on before you leave for work in the morning, then you likely can't check it around hour # 6.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it will be ok. 

Ok, so after your lovely piece of meat is all cooked up - take that mofo out and onto a plate and shred it up. Leave the soda juice in the crock pot for now, don't pour it out.  Now's a good time to get rid of any excess fat, unless you're into that kinda thing - then you can leave it if you like. Transfer the shredded meat back to your crock pot and let that cook on high for about 30 minutes.  Drain out the juices or dare your drunk neighbor to drink the leftover soda/pork combo  - either way, rid yourself of that nasty stuff. Then pour in your BBQ sauce of choice (1/2 the bottle or about a cup and a half) and mix it up. Slice open a roll and slather that shit in the middle. I served mine with baked beans, like from a can 'cuz I was tipsy at this point and forgot to make a side dish for my sandwiches. Shit, it had been 9 hours since I started cooking, what's a girl to do in the time? Drink, that's what!

Ps - sorry I didn't clean the inside of the white bowl that holds my baked beans so that my presentation was better. Again, I was one bottle of wine in when I took this picture. We're all lucky I even remembered to document my pulled pork journey at this point. 

Enjoy! I know I did. Those little fuckers are insane. Root beer and pork - who knew? 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Nutella crescent rolls. It’s for lovers.

Disclaimer:  This recipe has cinnamon in it.  Which pretty much means D2 won’t go any further than this sentence right here.  She’s also terrified of birds, but that’s a story for a different day.  That story involves Sea World and me peeing in my pants, but moving on...

Nutella was made by Jesus.  I know this because that shit is heavenly.  Unicorns dance and rainbows shoot through my kitchen window every time I eat it.  I open the vacuum sealed top and it sounds like angels flew straight out of the jar and wrapped their arms around me and sang me a lullaby of hope that all will be better in the world. 

So, it’s only natural to put crescent rolls, sugar, and cinnamon with this most delicious treat.  Thank you pinterest.  Thank you for wasting my time and helping me find ways to get fat and to dream of how organized I wish my home was.

Shit you’re gonna need:
One can of crescent rolls (I totally used generic.  Shocker.)
Nutella (I have a huge ass jar, which makes me wonder why they even sell small jars of this stuff.  I could inhale the small jar up through my left nostril in .009 seconds.)
‘bout a cup of sugar
‘bout a tablespoon of cinnamon

Shit you’re gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 375.  Fish out a baking pan, cover it in foil and spray that bad boy down with some kitchen ky. 

Mix together your cinnamon and sugar in a bowl and set aside.

Cross your legs so you don’t piss yourself when the crescent can pops open.  I need to note that you don’t need your crescent rolls out until you’re absolutely 100% ready to use them.  If they come out of the fridge and sit too long, they get sticky and warm and darn near impossible to work with.  Kinda like a few shitheads I know.  But anyhoo…One at a time, unroll your crescent roll, smear on some nutella and then roll that bad boy up.  Roll the large end down towards the little edge because that’s how the nice people at Pillsbury expect you to do it.  And who are we to go against the bake-off creators who so conveniently forget to even say “thank you” for entering their contest every year.  But I’m not bitter.  “Oh, we’re sorry to inform you, but your recipe looks like shit. And we wouldn’t even feed it to our dog…”  Errrrgh.

But after you roll these up, roll them around in your cinnamon sugar concoction, then lay them on your baking sheet and bake ‘em for about 15 minutes. 

Now, once they’re cooked, you’re really gonna have to a wait a few minutes and let these bastards cool.  Trust me.  I burned a few taste buds and said a few cuss words that I’m pretty sure were in Spanish when I tried to shovel one in right after pulling out of the oven.  Never trust anyone who eats immediately after pulling things out of the oven.  *snicker*  *snort*, lol.  But when they actually do cool down – ‘bout 10 minutes will do ya’- then bite down and enjoy the goodness that is the invention of nutella.  And by the way, every time you eat one, an angel gets its wings.