Monday, February 22, 2010

Chicken Pot Satchels

Am I the only one who shops at walmart with their camera phone turned on? I’m absolutely positive that I’ll see some asshole dressed like a pig in pink fishnet stockings with a whale tail popping out and I’ll be right there to immediately upload it to peopleofwalmart. It’s a sad sad life I lead.

While I was on one of my weekly shopping trips to Walmart. Yes, I said weekly, I looked over at someone literally putting ever single can of crescent rolls that were available into their cart. Before I knew what they were, I got closer and saw and thought to myself “oooooooh. I get it. Crescent rolls. Yeah, I could eat that shit everyday too.” But what I really said out loud to the person was, “Can I have two of those please, I have a coupon?” Let’s just say I went home without crescent rolls. Asshole.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One package of precooked chicken (I keep at least two boxes of this shit in the fridge. Someone needs to write a cookbook on 101 ways to use Perdue precooked chicken. Oh wait. I could do that. Think I will.)

4 oz. of softened cream cheese (yes lazy assholes out there, you’re more than welcome to put it in the microwave until it softens. Because you’re probably like me when you got home; you opened the fridge and were like “holy shit…what the hell am I going to eat?” You looked under the couch cushions for enough change to go to Taco Bell, but it’s a no go, you only found $0.42 and your kids’ piggy bank is empty from that last second decision to order pizza three weeks ago that you swore you would replace)

Half a bag of frozen peas and carrots (you can use whatever frozen veggies you want, but heaven forbid I put a fucking vegetable on my six year olds plate, so this is how I sneak shit in.)

Handful of shredded cheese (I say handful because I honestly didn’t measure it. I didn’t want the hubs to get his worn out boxer briefs in a wad about washing more dishes. What is it about men and the need to hold on to old ass underwear like Michael Jordan signed it?)

1 package of crescent rolls (mmmmm, crescent rolls. The devil makes them. I know it.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375. Open the package of chicken and avoid the smell of cat food that lingers out and chop that shit up and then dump it in a bowl. Add your cream cheese, your veggies and your shredded cheese. You want more cheese, add more cheese; it’s your extra trip to the gym, not mine. Stir it all up until and put it aside. Oh yeah, add some salt and pepper if you’re feeling dangerous.

Next get out your cookie sheet. You don’t need a fucking silpat or any of that shit to protect your pan. There’s enough butter in those crescent rolls to not only play slip n slide with an old shower curtain with your husband, but it’s enough that that shit ain’t gonna stick to the pan. But if you’re worried about global warming, spray your pan with non stick spray. Unroll your package (that’s what she said) and try your damndest to only separate your triangles into squares. See picture below because I know for damn sure I ain’t explainin’ myself all that great. But what you need to end up with is four sort of rectangles. Press the seams and pat these bad boys out until they’re a little bigger and a smidge thinner. But not too thin – you don’t want them to tear when you fold them over. Put a big ass dollop of your mixture in the middle and then fold that bitch over. Use a fork to seal the edges and move on to the next three. Bake these bitches for about 18 minutes and enjoy.

Word to your mutha!

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