Monday, June 28, 2010

Just Fucking Meatloaf

If you’ve seen the Lucille Balls recipe, you might notice a similarity. But ignore it. This isn’t your mother’s meatloaf. It’s not some dry, crusty ass meat shit on a plate just begging for ketchup. Forget what you know about meatloaf. Your life is about to change.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb. of ground beef (go ahead chicken shits and use turkey if you don’t have balls)

Half an onion, diced

Small green pepper, or half a large, diced (I swear I’ll take a class on chopping shit, but again, I don’t think the hubs will be happy living with a redhead who knows how to properly dice shit.)

1 box of stove top stuffing (Use the cornbread, chicken or turkey flavor. It makes absolutely no fucking difference)

1 egg, beaten

1/3 cup of ranch dressing (Don’t use anything else but ranch. I tried it and it sucked a big piece of ass.)

Handful of shredded cheese (I used sharp cheddar. I highly recommend taking my suggestion. But if you’re fucking Daddy Warbucks, use gouda)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Line a sheet pan with aluminum foil and spray with your Kitchen KY (aka, non-stick spray). You don’t want pieces of fucking aluminum foil sticking to your meatloaf when you eat it. That just can’t be good for your colon.

But mix together all your ingredients and mold this shit into a well…a loaf. I don’t use a loaf pan because that shit takes to long to cook. I think molding it yourself cooks more evenly. But who the fuck am I to tell you what to do. But what I WILL tell you to do is shape that shit by smacking that fat ass piece of meat to make sure there aren’t any cracks in it. Crack kills. Just thought you should know. Smooth it out and throw that shit in the oven for about 45-60 minutes until it’s done.

Now the sauce. I personally use ketchup, brown sugar and dry mustard. BUT, two of you smart asses out there had some great freakin’ suggestions, so here they are…

J.N. said “I like to use jalapenos, BBQ sauce, and cajun seasoning...yum”

L.S.E. suggested “Put Franks in the Ketchup Glaze! RAWKS!”

FYI, I put the sauce on about 20-30 minutes before it’s done and tonight I actually added Tabasco to mine. It wasn’t enough to put a hurtin’ on your colon or anything, but just enough to say “Hey, what the hell is in that?” Mission accomplished.

With Sauce
Now go impress someone...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mother Fucking Marinades

I’m bored of the same ‘ol shit I use. So, I asked you all what you like. You answered. And you had some really good shit going on. I’m expecting someone to invite me to dinner. Btw, I’m using your initials to protect the innocent. I’m not saying any of you are innocent but I’d hate for someone to find you on here that you’ve been hiding from. Because ya’ll aren’t innocent. I just know it.

A.H.E. – Garlic and Herb by Lawry’s (fucking love Lawry’s)

N.C. – A mixture of duck and soy sauce (I have about 283 packets of this shit in my fridge. I have a feeling it’s enough for a marinade)

A.R.H. – Good ‘ol Italian dressing (word.)

T.A. – Mojo, the Cuban marinade, made with orange, cumin, garlic and other flavors. (I like Cubans because I like Andy Garcia.)

A.M.B. – Ditto on the mojo…(pronounced Mo-Ho…snicker, snicker) It can be really salty, so if it’s going to marinate for long, or if I use it in the crockpot, I cut it with chicken broth. Throw it in the crockpot with some frozen chicken breasts, onions and serve with yellow rice and black beans. Arrribbaaaa! (I’m only half Cuban and don’t speak much Spanish other than what I learned in High School, so that’s all ya get from me, me amor!)

E.B.H. – A tablespoon each of honey, soy sauce and fish sauce (which smells like…well, we won’t discuss what it smells like) (fucking hilarious because we're all thinking the same thing)

D.H. – Equal parts of Dijon honey mustard, white wine and soy sauce. Brown chicken in minced garlic, pour in sauce and let simmer. It’s fantastic. AND EASY! (Wine makes me easy too.)

L.S.E. – Franks. Just Franks. (My tongue caught fire just reading that.)

T.S. (aka, my mother) – I brine rather than marinade. It develops the flavor of the chicken and any flavor you add in cooking will ramp up the whole dish. A simple brine is water about a half gallon, salt, sugar or honey and peppercorns. Just put everything in a gallon size Ziploc bag for one to four hours.

C.F. – Rub that shit with Olive Oil and sprinkle on some Tony Chachere’s seasoning – grill it – best chicken ever… (I must find this seasoning)

S.K.M. – How much salt in the brine? I heard it’s a lot. (S.K.M., you’re right. Hopefully my mom will answer this question, if not; I’ll call her and hound her ass until she tells me.)

M.D. – Olive Oil, minced garlic, fresh ground pepper and Old Bay seafood seasoning!! That shit ain’t just for seafood, it’s awesome on chicken and a great base for pork or for a beef rub! I also enjoy basting my chicken from the inside out with a nice can of Miller High Life mmmm yummy LOL!!!

(I like that M.D. is using the champagne of beers to baste his chicken in. Go for the gold man!)

B.S. – Garlic sautéed with a little white pepper, then deglaze with white zin or similar crappy cheap sweet wine, add Dijon and honey…pretty standard crap but its effin good. Grill it!!

(“crappy cheap sweet wine”. I like that. I don’t believe in spending a lot of money on the wine you’re cooking with. Really, I think it’s a total fucking myth.)

S.H. - Ken’s balsamic vinaigrette, minced garlic, Dijon mustard, soy sauce, garlic salt, pepper, oregano…marinade for a couple hours – grill. Delicious! (Oregano is by far my favorite spice and the fact that it looks like pot is hysterical to me because I'm that immature.)

J.J.J.F.M. – I make a curry bbq sauce to brush on my grilled chicken as it cooks. Marinates in basic OO, soy, balsamic worsteshire and garlic powder.

(uh…let’s figure out what name we’re using there Chiquita. That’s long ass initials. Love you :)

Thanks everyone for your participation. Hopefully you’ll find something new to try. If not, screw you. You got this far reading, so I’m happy.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My Kids Won’t Eat Shit – Part Tres (Hot Beef Pie)

I hate lying to my kids about what I put on their plates, but steamed carrots really aren’t that good. So, I don’t blame them for turning up there noses. But this recipe…they ate this shit up without even asking for ranch dressing to dip it in! Sa-weet! But honestly, when I lie to them to get them to eat, I don’t classify it as lying. I classify it as High Level Negotiations. Who doesn’t lie when they’re “negotiating”? How the hell do you think I got my degree in “I use sex and food to get what I want from my husband”? See…it can be a win/win situation here people. So, I hope your kids eat this too.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 Easy Ass Pie Crust (recipe below, but you can use anything that’s not intended for dessert. And yes, I had to actually disclose that because common sense isn’t common anymore.)

1 tablespoon of butter

1 pound of ground beef (yes, you can use ground turkey, chicken or pork. Depends on which artery you’d like to clog.)

1 small onion, diced (fucking hate chopping, but you already knew that)

Half of a green pepper, diced (use the other half for your eggs in the morning or eat the rest by spoonfuls, whatever.)

1 large tomato, sliced (Seriously, I can eat tomatoes like apples. Bite right into those bitches. Word.)

8 slices of cooked bacon (Holy macaroni do I love me some bacon. But for this I used the microwave ready shit. Don’t all jump down my throat; I despise frying up fresh bacon. It’s a fucking mess no matter how many splatter screens I use.)

2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese (I prefer sharp cheddar. What’s the fucking point of mild cheddar anyways?)

1 to cups of already prepared mashed potatoes (I used my homemade mother fucking mashed potatoes, but you do what makes you happy. I don’t judge. Sort of.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Heat up a pan and melt your butter. Sauté up your onion and green pepper for about 2 minutes. The aroma that fills my house when this shit is cooking should seriously be made into a candle. Now, add your ground beef and cook until it’s done. But while it’s cooking, throw your fake bacon in the microwave and thinly slice up your tomato. And btw, I love fake bacon for so many reasons. It’s fucking brilliant. And yes, a woman probably came up with it.

Now it’s time to play with your meat! In your pie crust, layer your meat, tomato, bacon and then a cup of cheese. Repeat once more, add your mother fucking mashed potatoes (whether you use one or two cups is up to how much you like mashed potatoes) and throw this shit in the oven for about 15 minutes. Yes. It’s that easy. And it’s that fucking good.

Again...I love bacon.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Homemade Pizza and Shit

Homemade Pizza and Shit

So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve contributed to this here blog, but I’m a busy bitch. Aren’t we all? So for your newbies, this is not "D". This is her friend, "D2", from Va. We’ve been friends 23 years this year so that gives me the right to bust up in her blog and post whenever the fuck I want to, k? K, let’s continue.

So I contemplated what I would post as my comeback recipe and I came up with pizza. Yea I know, not the most imaginative recipe to come up with, but I still can’t clear my thoughts after seeing a hot-ass naked vampire on TrueBlood the other day. I know you hear me...

Shit you’re gonna need:

· Pizza dough --- ok so you can be mother of the fucking year or Rachel Ray or whatever and make your own or you can go to a semi-fancy grocery store and by some, or an Italian deli or you can buy that nasty pizza dough in a can for all I care. I likely won’t be eating your pizza, so use what you like. Personally, I go to the Italian deli and spring the whole $7 and have some good ass pizza. Let’s go on, shall we? If you decide to make your own, google how to do it because I don’t have time.

· EVOO - if you don’t know what this is, get out of the kitchen.

· Tomato Sauce or whole Roma Tomatoes or a jar of cheap Ragu or some shit -- again, up to you.
· 1 package of Shredded mozzarella (I think its 2 cups?)

· 1 block of mozzarella - you’ll use about 1/2 of it

· 1/2 cup (I’m making this up) of ricotta -- I don’t know if it’s really half a cup, just use a little to spread around your dough.

· Fresh basil

Various pizza toppings that tickle your pickle -- I personally just like cheese, but that’s me. If you want to put some mushrooms and pepperoni or green peppers and shit -- have a ball.

Some kind of pizza cooking pan

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to like 350. Get out your pizza cooking pan and spray it down with kitchen KY or a little EVOO if you like. Then rock that inner pizza hut night manager in you and toss and stretch your pizza dough with some flour around your hands. Even better, pretend you’re in Brooklyn and throw that shit up in the air. Pizza tastes better when made like this, trust me.

Once the dough is big enough to occupy the whole space of your pan, spread that shit out on it. Pinch up the corners to make the crust – you can do this! I mean, everyone’s Italian these days right? FYI, if you have never been to Italy and neither have your parents, you are likely NOT Italian, but most certainly American with some pizza-maker down your bloodline. Stop trying to sound exotic.

Anyway, once you’ve stretched out your dough, take a few dollops of ricotta and thinly spread it on there, don’t get to nuts here people or you’ll ruin it. After that, lightly sprinkle some EVOO on that thing and maybe sprinkle some garlic powder, for a hiney tingle as "D" would say. Then spread your sauce, or if you’re using whole tomatoes (like my 4 foot 10 real Italian grandmother used to) break those bad boys up in your fingers and spread them around the dough. Once you’re done with that, sprinkle your shredded mozzarella on that thing until you have achieved your desired level of cheesiness. One man’s desired level is another man’s coronary embolism, so do what’s right for you and your loved ones here. Then cut up a few uneven mozzarella chunks from the block and strategically place them on this pie of love. Take your basil and either whole or ripped up (wash it 1st by the way) sprinkle it over the top. Salt and pepper and drizzle more EVOO and voila! You gots a pizza that would make a guy named Salvatore very happy.

Put that shit in the oven and bake it for like 20 minutes. Keep an eye on that fucker though, don’t let it burn or that’ll be your fault. When it starts to brown and shit, take it out and tear it up!


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Easy Ass Pie Crust

When it comes to pie crusts, the hubs prefers the cheap, easier version I make. (I wonder if he’s trying to tell me that I’m cheap and easy, hmmmm). So, in his eyes, the crust that I spend hours on is nothing compared to the easiest freakin’ pie crust ever. Seriously. You’ll have this shit on the table in no time. And it’s homemade. Go figure.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 oz. of cream cheese (Don’t shit yourself here, but you don’t actually have to lay this out to soften. It’s a tiny miracle.)

1 stick of butter (I’m gonna change my middle name to “butter”. Rosita Butter Gonzalez. It’s gotta nice ring to it.)

1 ½ cups of flour (Now, if you live in flamingo, palm tree hell where I do, you’re probably gonna need about 2 cups here. Fucking humidity.)

Shit you’re gonna pull out of some dusty ass cabinet that you never use:

Rolling pin (Wood is my favorite. ‘Cause I like wood. I’m a wood snob.)

2 sheets of waxed paper (You probably don’t have any. I didn’t. I hate when I have to buy special shit. But trust me, it makes this so much easier to accomplish)

Pie tin (I have some expensive pampered chef one that I got for my wedding and I love it with all my heart. But I honestly pull that shit out like, 5 times a year. At the most. So, use a disposable one if you want. No judgment here.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Cream together your cream cheese and butter. And here’s my little tid bit about this. You’ll need to kinda keep things cold here so it’s easier to roll out as well as keep the crust flaky. (Cold and flaky. Kinda like an ex boyfriend.) So, I actually put the bowl that I’m mixing this shit in, in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before making this.

Once your cream cheese and butter are creamed together, add in your flour a little bit at a time. Seriously, don’t dump all this shit in at once. Flour is a pain in the ass to clean up. The second time I met my future mother in law, I made this mistake. Not only did I dump all the shit in at once, I had never used a mixer before and I barely put the beaters down in the flour. Looking over at her, both of us covered in flour, as well as her kitchen, we cracked up. She still makes me fun of me to this day about it. And I admit, it was funny as hell. But anyhoo…once all your flour is in and mixed and you notice your dough is a little dry, add a tablespoon of cold water at a time until the dough pulls away from the bowl. Don't get carried away, you should only use 2 tablespoons MAX. Then, put down a piece of wax paper, lay your dough on top and then put another piece of wax paper over it. This is gonna make your life so much easier. If you’re completely, OCD/ADD/ADHD/SOB, like me, you can tape your bottom piece of wax paper to your counter top so nothing moves around too much. But if you think that’s going overboard, I understand. But when I use every fucking dish, pan and spoon in the entire kitchen and the hubs looks over at the overflown dishes in the sink, he says “heeeeeell no. I’m not cleaning that shit up”. So, see? Wax paper = easy clean up.

Now, before you start going ape shit on this dough with your roller, make sure the ball that you’re working with is smoothed out and round. No cracks either, or it’ll crack while you’re rolling. Use your hands to smooth it over paying close attention to the ball. Yes, I’m still talking about pie crust. Maybe. Then gently start rolling your dough in ONE DIRECTION ONLY. Don’t roll back and forth; just roll away from you. You’ll need the dough to be about ¼ inch thick and about two inches larger than your pie plate. Size does matter here people.

When you’ve got your desired size, peel off that top layer of wax paper and turn your pie plate upside down on top of the dough. Then very very carefully, hold on to the bottom wax paper and the pie tin and flip it over. Peel off the paper, gently tap down the crust into the pie tin, and make your edges somewhat presentable. Voila. Easy as shit, right? Right. Now poke holes in the bottom of the crust with a fork so that the shit doesn’t shrink while it’s cooking and then pop that bitch in the oven for about 10 minutes. Then fill the crust with whatever the hell you want and continue baking until your filling is done. Yes, you can put aluminum foil around the edges of the pie halfway through cooking to prevent it from getting overly brown and crispy, but honestly, I didn’t. But you do whatever tickles your fancy.


Monday, June 14, 2010

Scotch on the Peanut butter rocks

This is the kind of snack that makes me moan. When the hubs and I used to wait tables in college, I would bring it to the restaurant and put it in the fridge for everyone to snack on. He doesn’t remember that. But he remembers the days where I forget to take the laundry out of the dryer. Shocker.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 bag of butterscotch morsels (try to talk yourself out of eating this shit right out of the bag.)

¾ cup of creamy peanut butter (Choosey moms choose JIF. And I choose creamy. Crunchy peanut butter is gross to me. And it doesn’t work for this concoction. I have a friend that now we have agreed to disagree on the creamy vs. crunchy debacle. We just don’t talk about it anymore.) (Oh, and when you measure this out, spray your measuring cup with non stick spray. You’ll thank me later.)

6 cups of corn flakes (Go ahead and use generic. It makes absolutely no difference at all.)

Other shit you’ll need that you’ll be pissed if I don’t tell you ahead of time:

Aluminum Foil lined pan that’s been sprayed with Kitchen KY (non-stick spray)

Shit you’re gonna do:

In a big pot, melt your butterscotch and peanut butter. Now, don’t get your panties in a wad and turn this shit on “high” to get it done quicker. You’ll regret it. When peanut butter gets hot too quick, it gets lumpy and yucky. I know, “lumpy and yucky”, it’s totally technical terms we’re dealing with here. But keep stirring until it’s melted and then fold in your corn flakes. Don’t get all dramatic and stir the hell out of it because then you’ll end up with corn flake crumbs and then you’ll be all “what the hell happened?” So, just gently fold them in and then pour them out evenly onto your lined pan. Stick this shit in the fridge for about 30 min to an hour. Then break apart and put into Tupperware and stick it back in the fridge. Don’t worry, it won’t last long. You’ll be back and forth to that fridge 387 times to get yet another piece of this bad ass snack. (Insert moan here.) mmmmmm…

Holy Crap this shit lasted about an hour in this house.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pulled Pollo en el Crock Pot-o

I’m totally fluent in Spanish. Can you tell?

This recipe came about when I had an “Oh shit. I need to cook this chicken.” kind of moment. I threw shit in the crock pot, came home, tasted it and was all “Oh shit. This is good.” So there you go.

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 chicken breasts (That’s what I used. You can use four if you’re feeling frisky. Or if you bought a package that had four in it. My pack had three. Duh.)

1 cup of apple cider vinegar (don’t use some other flavored vinegar shit. Use what I tell you.)

1 ½ cups of water

2 tsp. each of oregano, garlic salt (yum), smoked paprika and pepper. (my friend Martin introduced me to smoked paprika. This shit is the bomb and so is Martin.) (but mix all those spices together and set aside.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Pour in your apple cider vinegar and your water into the crock pot. Add your chicken and then dump all the spices on top. If you want to give yourself a little hiney tingle, put a few more dashes of the smoked paprika on it. Then, put this shit on low for 6-8 hours and whammo. It’s done bitches!

Now, what I did, was I took out the chicken (I threw away the leftover juices because it just looked fucking gross to me) then I shredded it and stirred in a bit of bbq sauce. Then I smeared a deli roll with butter, toasted that bad boy and made pulled bbq sheekin’ samich. Holy shit. Amazing.

Another option for ya…you can shred it and put it between two tortillas with some Monterey Jack cheese and make one bad ass chicken quesadilla. Or even make enchiladas with it. If you’re a smart ass, please feel free to let us know what other ideas you have. Oh, you can also freeze it for later. I know I will.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gooey “Butt”er Cookies. Because that’s where they’re going. Straight to your butt.

I’ve had this recipe for about a hundred years. I have no idea where it came from; no clue who invented it, but it’s fucking delicious. I’ve used it for bake sales, to impress a group of moms, or even when my fat ass is on the couch and I’ve got a hankerin’ to shove something sweet into my face.

This recipe makes a batch of about 30 cookies. And I know you’re all like, “No shit! That’s a lot of fucking cookies!” No it’s not. Not when it comes to these little bastards of goodness. Once you fill your ass with the first 30, you’ll make nine more batches. Scouts honor.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of yellow cake mix (no, you can’t use some dumbass homemade yellow cake recipe your neighbor’s second cousin gave you. You need the fake shit.)

8 oz. of softened cream cheese (don’t lose an ovary; I know you didn’t put any out to soften. So, go ahead and heat it in the microwave for about 10-15 seconds at a time until it’s soft. Then take your index finger, poke the fattest part of your thigh and that’s how soft the cream cheese should be.)

1 stick of softened butter (same rules apply for the cream cheese)

1 egg

¼ teaspoon of vanilla (for the 137th time, use the real shit here people. Spend the money on good vanilla.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Let’s pick a pan…you can use a cookie sheet with parchment paper, a Pampered Chef piece of stoneware, or even a Silpat. But guess what bitches? I was lazy. I took some old ass cookie sheet I have, covered that shit in aluminum foil, sprayed it with good ‘ol Kitchen KY, aka non-stick spray and shoved it in the oven. Didn’t make a damn of a difference.

Now that you’ve got your pan of choice, throw all this shit together and mix it up. Use a hand mixer, a stand mixer, your husband…whatever. But once it’s combined, you’re gonna do something that’s going to be hard. Very hard. (heehee). You’re gonna put this bowl of mix into the fridge for no less that two hours. WTF? I know, I know, trust me. I know this is hard. Just as hard as it is for me to turn the radio station when an Elton John song comes on. But you’re gonna have to believe me here.

After you’ve stood by the refrigerator door for two hours “shooing” your kids away, preheat your oven to 350, pull out the bowl and roll into little one inch balls (insert immature giggle here) and place them about an inch apart on your pan of choice. You can also roll these in powdered sugar before baking, but I never have the gusto to pull that shit out of the pantry. But go ahead and bake these for about 12 minutes.

Now, when you pull these out of the oven, you’re gonna think they’re not done. They’re not. But the sugar in those little bitches are gonna continue to cook. So be patient young Annakin. Once they’ve cooled for about 3-4 minutes, transfer them to a cooling rack (yes, I actually have one of those. Or four.) and move on to baking your next batch.

You’ll eat the first batch before the second one is done. Guaranteed. I’ll wait for marriage proposals. Thanks.