Shrimp with tomatoes and Feta…or should I say Fucking Great Ass Shrimp. I’ll go with the latter…

I was skeeeeered shitless to make this. I’ve never cooked shrimp before. I’ve marinated them and slid those bastards on skewers for the hubs to grill, but nope, never tackled the shit on my own. But the one thing EVERYONE told me was, ”…don’t forget the white wine”. And I said “Well, duh. Oh wait, you mean to cook with. Gotcha.”

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 tablespoons of olive oil (I need to buy a jug of this shit)

Half an onion, minced (okay, you know I’m a shitty chopper, but the hubs saved me. He pulled out one of those chopper thingys that I got a long long long ass time ago that you pound the top and it chops it for you. Hot damn – what a concept!)

2 garlic cloves, minced (see above for new chopping technique)

½ cup of white wine (Drink the rest. My friend Alynne and I did)

1 can of diced tomatoes, drained (But save the juices. You might want your sauce thinner than mine. I happen to like things thick ;)

1 tablespoon of dried oregano (I don’t keep the fresh shit on hand. It’ll go bad before I use it)

Sea salt (This is by far my new favorite spice in the kitchen. It tastes really really good on Oreos that have been dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with sea salt. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about chocolate. Shit is good.)

Red pepper flakes (I’m a spicy gal. I like a little heat and so does the hubs. But the kiddos, not so much. So do this according to taste. But don’t be a dumbass and put a whole lot in at first. Too much and you’ll find yourself in the bathroom reading an entire copy of Entertainment Weekly in one “sitting”.

Paprika (I don’t know what to say about paprika. I don’t know what it’s for except to make deviled eggs look pretty. But what the hell, why not)

4 oz. of crumbled feta cheese (mmmmmm, cheese. Cheese is right up there with Jesus and butter if you ask me.)

1 ½ pounds of peeled shrimp with the tails on (If you buy your shrimp and they give it to you in a plastic bag that’s been wrapped in butcher paper, make sure when you get home, if you’re not cooking it that day, to take it out of the bag they gave you and put it in a large Ziploc bag. The fish guy told me to do that. I don’t remember why, I just believed him. I’m sure he went to college for this shit.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

If you’re gonna put this shit over noodles, I recommend you go ahead and start getting the water boiling. This bitch cooks fast.

Heat up your oil in a pan and cook the onion until it gets translucent. Alton Brown had a whole sh-peel about how it really doesn't get translucent, it just gets opaque. He’s right. Because he’s a cooking god. And I believe everything that comes out of his mouth.

Once the onions have cooked, throw in the garlic for about a minute. This shit will burn quick! So, this isn’t the time to starting an effing knitting project. It’ll start to smell like…well, like cooked garlic. You’re not stupid, you’ll know.

Next, pour in your wine and tomatoes. Stir and then add your oregano, salt to taste, red pepper and paprika. The original recipe called for Greek oregano and some dumbass sweet Hungarian paprika. Seriously? Who has that shit? So, I had to change some crap. I’m sure Martha wouldn’t approve. Me and her need to have a come to Jesus meeting about getting her panties out of a wad.

Let this come to a boil, then drop the heat down to medium, and let it cook down for about five minutes. This is where the thickness will start to happen (yup, I said “thick” again. I enjoy it). Then add the cheese and the shrimp. Now, if you’re like me and you never cooked shrimp…believe all the people that are telling you that this shit will cook fast. No effing joke here. Once the shrimp goes in, cover it and let it cook for 3 minutes or until they look cooked and then take it off the heat because they’ll continue to cook a smidge more.

That’s it bitches! It’s done! Pour this shit over noodles and scarf it down. I highly recommend toasting a thick ass piece of bread to slop up the juices on this bad boy. Cheers!