Gooey “Butt”er Cookies. Because that’s where they’re going. Straight to your butt.

I’ve had this recipe for about a hundred years. I have no idea where it came from; no clue who invented it, but it’s fucking delicious. I’ve used it for bake sales, to impress a group of moms, or even when my fat ass is on the couch and I’ve got a hankerin’ to shove something sweet into my face.

This recipe makes a batch of about 30 cookies. And I know you’re all like, “No shit! That’s a lot of fucking cookies!” No it’s not. Not when it comes to these little bastards of goodness. Once you fill your ass with the first 30, you’ll make nine more batches. Scouts honor.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of yellow cake mix (no, you can’t use some dumbass homemade yellow cake recipe your neighbor’s second cousin gave you. You need the fake shit.)

8 oz. of softened cream cheese (don’t lose an ovary; I know you didn’t put any out to soften. So, go ahead and heat it in the microwave for about 10-15 seconds at a time until it’s soft. Then take your index finger, poke the fattest part of your thigh and that’s how soft the cream cheese should be.)

1 stick of softened butter (same rules apply for the cream cheese)

1 egg

¼ teaspoon of vanilla (for the 137^th time, use the real shit here people. Spend the money on good vanilla.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Let’s pick a pan…you can use a cookie sheet with parchment paper, a Pampered Chef piece of stoneware, or even a Silpat. But guess what bitches? I was lazy. I took some old ass cookie sheet I have, covered that shit in aluminum foil, sprayed it with good ‘ol Kitchen KY, aka non-stick spray and shoved it in the oven. Didn’t make a damn of a difference.

Now that you’ve got your pan of choice, throw all this shit together and mix it up. Use a hand mixer, a stand mixer, your husband…whatever. But once it’s combined, you’re gonna do something that’s going to be hard. Very hard. (heehee). You’re gonna put this bowl of mix into the fridge for no less that two hours. WTF? I know, I know, trust me. I know this is hard. Just as hard as it is for me to turn the radio station when an Elton John song comes on. But you’re gonna have to believe me here.

After you’ve stood by the refrigerator door for two hours “shooing” your kids away, preheat your oven to 350, pull out the bowl and roll into little one inch balls (insert immature giggle here) and place them about an inch apart on your pan of choice. You can also roll these in powdered sugar before baking, but I never have the gusto to pull that shit out of the pantry. But go ahead and bake these for about 12 minutes.

Now, when you pull these out of the oven, you’re gonna think they’re not done. They’re not. But the sugar in those little bitches are gonna continue to cook. So be patient young Annakin. Once they’ve cooled for about 3-4 minutes, transfer them to a cooling rack (yes, I actually have one of those. Or four.) and move on to baking your next batch.

You’ll eat the first batch before the second one is done. Guaranteed. I’ll wait for marriage proposals. Thanks.

Cheers!