Homemade Pizza and Shit

Homemade Pizza and Shit


So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve contributed to this here blog, but I’m a busy bitch. Aren’t we all? So for your newbies, this is not "D". This is her friend, "D2", from Va. We’ve been friends 23 years this year so that gives me the right to bust up in her blog and post whenever the fuck I want to, k? K, let’s continue.

So I contemplated what I would post as my comeback recipe and I came up with pizza. Yea I know, not the most imaginative recipe to come up with, but I still can’t clear my thoughts after seeing a hot-ass naked vampire on TrueBlood the other day. I know you hear me...


Shit you’re gonna need:

· Pizza dough --- ok so you can be mother of the fucking year or Rachel Ray or whatever and make your own or you can go to a semi-fancy grocery store and by some, or an Italian deli or you can buy that nasty pizza dough in a can for all I care. I likely won’t be eating your pizza, so use what you like. Personally, I go to the Italian deli and spring the whole $7 and have some good ass pizza. Let’s go on, shall we? If you decide to make your own, google how to do it because I don’t have time.

· EVOO - if you don’t know what this is, get out of the kitchen.

· Tomato Sauce or whole Roma Tomatoes or a jar of cheap Ragu or some shit -- again, up to you.
· 1 package of Shredded mozzarella (I think its 2 cups?)

· 1 block of mozzarella - you’ll use about 1/2 of it

· 1/2 cup (I’m making this up) of ricotta -- I don’t know if it’s really half a cup, just use a little to spread around your dough.

· Fresh basil

Various pizza toppings that tickle your pickle -- I personally just like cheese, but that’s me. If you want to put some mushrooms and pepperoni or green peppers and shit -- have a ball.

Some kind of pizza cooking pan


Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to like 350. Get out your pizza cooking pan and spray it down with kitchen KY or a little EVOO if you like. Then rock that inner pizza hut night manager in you and toss and stretch your pizza dough with some flour around your hands. Even better, pretend you’re in Brooklyn and throw that shit up in the air. Pizza tastes better when made like this, trust me.

Once the dough is big enough to occupy the whole space of your pan, spread that shit out on it. Pinch up the corners to make the crust – you can do this! I mean, everyone’s Italian these days right? FYI, if you have never been to Italy and neither have your parents, you are likely NOT Italian, but most certainly American with some pizza-maker down your bloodline. Stop trying to sound exotic.

Anyway, once you’ve stretched out your dough, take a few dollops of ricotta and thinly spread it on there, don’t get to nuts here people or you’ll ruin it. After that, lightly sprinkle some EVOO on that thing and maybe sprinkle some garlic powder, for a hiney tingle as "D" would say. Then spread your sauce, or if you’re using whole tomatoes (like my 4 foot 10 real Italian grandmother used to) break those bad boys up in your fingers and spread them around the dough. Once you’re done with that, sprinkle your shredded mozzarella on that thing until you have achieved your desired level of cheesiness. One man’s desired level is another man’s coronary embolism, so do what’s right for you and your loved ones here. Then cut up a few uneven mozzarella chunks from the block and strategically place them on this pie of love. Take your basil and either whole or ripped up (wash it 1st by the way) sprinkle it over the top. Salt and pepper and drizzle more EVOO and voila! You gots a pizza that would make a guy named Salvatore very happy.

Put that shit in the oven and bake it for like 20 minutes. Keep an eye on that fucker though, don’t let it burn or that’ll be your fault. When it starts to brown and shit, take it out and tear it up!

Mange’!