Easy Ass Pie Crust

When it comes to pie crusts, the hubs prefers the cheap, easier version I make. (I wonder if he’s trying to tell me that I’m cheap and easy, hmmmm). So, in his eyes, the crust that I spend hours on is nothing compared to the easiest freakin’ pie crust ever. Seriously. You’ll have this shit on the table in no time. And it’s homemade. Go figure.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 oz. of cream cheese (Don’t shit yourself here, but you don’t actually have to lay this out to soften. It’s a tiny miracle.)

1 stick of butter (I’m gonna change my middle name to “butter”. Rosita Butter Gonzalez. It’s gotta nice ring to it.)

1 ½ cups of flour (Now, if you live in flamingo, palm tree hell where I do, you’re probably gonna need about 2 cups here. Fucking humidity.)

Shit you’re gonna pull out of some dusty ass cabinet that you never use:

Rolling pin (Wood is my favorite. ‘Cause I like wood. I’m a wood snob.)

2 sheets of waxed paper (You probably don’t have any. I didn’t. I hate when I have to buy special shit. But trust me, it makes this so much easier to accomplish)

Pie tin (I have some expensive pampered chef one that I got for my wedding and I love it with all my heart. But I honestly pull that shit out like, 5 times a year. At the most. So, use a disposable one if you want. No judgment here.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Cream together your cream cheese and butter. And here’s my little tid bit about this. You’ll need to kinda keep things cold here so it’s easier to roll out as well as keep the crust flaky. (Cold and flaky. Kinda like an ex boyfriend.) So, I actually put the bowl that I’m mixing this shit in, in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before making this.

Once your cream cheese and butter are creamed together, add in your flour a little bit at a time. Seriously, don’t dump all this shit in at once. Flour is a pain in the ass to clean up. The second time I met my future mother in law, I made this mistake. Not only did I dump all the shit in at once, I had never used a mixer before and I barely put the beaters down in the flour. Looking over at her, both of us covered in flour, as well as her kitchen, we cracked up. She still makes me fun of me to this day about it. And I admit, it was funny as hell. But anyhoo…once all your flour is in and mixed and you notice your dough is a little dry, add a tablespoon of cold water at a time until the dough pulls away from the bowl. Don't get carried away, you should only use 2 tablespoons MAX. Then, put down a piece of wax paper, lay your dough on top and then put another piece of wax paper over it. This is gonna make your life so much easier. If you’re completely, OCD/ADD/ADHD/SOB, like me, you can tape your bottom piece of wax paper to your counter top so nothing moves around too much. But if you think that’s going overboard, I understand. But when I use every fucking dish, pan and spoon in the entire kitchen and the hubs looks over at the overflown dishes in the sink, he says “heeeeeell no. I’m not cleaning that shit up”. So, see? Wax paper = easy clean up.

Now, before you start going ape shit on this dough with your roller, make sure the ball that you’re working with is smoothed out and round. No cracks either, or it’ll crack while you’re rolling. Use your hands to smooth it over paying close attention to the ball. Yes, I’m still talking about pie crust. Maybe. Then gently start rolling your dough in ONE DIRECTION ONLY. Don’t roll back and forth; just roll away from you. You’ll need the dough to be about ¼ inch thick and about two inches larger than your pie plate. Size does matter here people.

When you’ve got your desired size, peel off that top layer of wax paper and turn your pie plate upside down on top of the dough. Then very very carefully, hold on to the bottom wax paper and the pie tin and flip it over. Peel off the paper, gently tap down the crust into the pie tin, and make your edges somewhat presentable. Voila. Easy as shit, right? Right. Now poke holes in the bottom of the crust with a fork so that the shit doesn’t shrink while it’s cooking and then pop that bitch in the oven for about 10 minutes. Then fill the crust with whatever the hell you want and continue baking until your filling is done. Yes, you can put aluminum foil around the edges of the pie halfway through cooking to prevent it from getting overly brown and crispy, but honestly, I didn’t. But you do whatever tickles your fancy.

Enjoy!!!