Sunday, June 20, 2010

My Kids Won’t Eat Shit – Part Tres (Hot Beef Pie)

I hate lying to my kids about what I put on their plates, but steamed carrots really aren’t that good. So, I don’t blame them for turning up there noses. But this recipe…they ate this shit up without even asking for ranch dressing to dip it in! Sa-weet! But honestly, when I lie to them to get them to eat, I don’t classify it as lying. I classify it as High Level Negotiations. Who doesn’t lie when they’re “negotiating”? How the hell do you think I got my degree in “I use sex and food to get what I want from my husband”? See…it can be a win/win situation here people. So, I hope your kids eat this too.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 Easy Ass Pie Crust (recipe below, but you can use anything that’s not intended for dessert. And yes, I had to actually disclose that because common sense isn’t common anymore.)

1 tablespoon of butter

1 pound of ground beef (yes, you can use ground turkey, chicken or pork. Depends on which artery you’d like to clog.)

1 small onion, diced (fucking hate chopping, but you already knew that)

Half of a green pepper, diced (use the other half for your eggs in the morning or eat the rest by spoonfuls, whatever.)

1 large tomato, sliced (Seriously, I can eat tomatoes like apples. Bite right into those bitches. Word.)

8 slices of cooked bacon (Holy macaroni do I love me some bacon. But for this I used the microwave ready shit. Don’t all jump down my throat; I despise frying up fresh bacon. It’s a fucking mess no matter how many splatter screens I use.)

2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese (I prefer sharp cheddar. What’s the fucking point of mild cheddar anyways?)

1 to cups of already prepared mashed potatoes (I used my homemade mother fucking mashed potatoes, but you do what makes you happy. I don’t judge. Sort of.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Heat up a pan and melt your butter. Sauté up your onion and green pepper for about 2 minutes. The aroma that fills my house when this shit is cooking should seriously be made into a candle. Now, add your ground beef and cook until it’s done. But while it’s cooking, throw your fake bacon in the microwave and thinly slice up your tomato. And btw, I love fake bacon for so many reasons. It’s fucking brilliant. And yes, a woman probably came up with it.

Now it’s time to play with your meat! In your pie crust, layer your meat, tomato, bacon and then a cup of cheese. Repeat once more, add your mother fucking mashed potatoes (whether you use one or two cups is up to how much you like mashed potatoes) and throw this shit in the oven for about 15 minutes. Yes. It’s that easy. And it’s that fucking good.

Again...I love bacon.


  1. Um, you might have forgotten something, the world's best cheat, Montreal Steak Seasoning, or I might be right smack out of my effing mind. But probably not.

    I've done the chicken (omyfreakingawd) did the chili tonight, the pie last week, did the eclair cupcakes, keep this shit coming!

  2. I stirred the leftovers from this into the leftover chili, it looked like shit, but damn! GOOD