Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hey People of Earth - its me again. (D2)

So my good (skinny) friend D1 has allowed me to just come right on in here and post my own fucking recipes. To tell you the truth, I think that bitch is too lazy to copy and paste my shit - but whatever. OR, she's busy mom-ing 2 boys, being a wife, cooking the shit outta some dinners, making some fucking scarfs for some fancy ass boutique or baking up some goodness. I think she just pretends to be busy, but whatever - that's just me. All I know is, I've know that bitch nearly all my life and she's always been skinny and still eats all the time. God is so unfair sometimes. She's so lucky I like her or I would've kicked her ass again like I did once when we went to summer camp when we were 12. Ask her, she'll tell you.

ANYway - I do have a recipe so let me shut my pie hole and get to it.... one more thing, if I don't format this shit like she does - get over it and worry about something way more important. Like what was on Ellen today.

Panty-Dropping Tree Bark

This shit is ridiculously good and I ain’t lying. And it’s easy to make unless you’re a dumbass. And once you have one bite of it, you won’t be able to stop eating it. It will make you fat, but fuck it – I mean we only live once right? And if you’re a size 2 and you complain about eating butter – go screw yourself you skinny biotch. Make this shit and don’t even share it with anyone, it’s that good. Here’s the other thing, don’t let your kids see you make it because they’ll be all like, “mom those are weird ingredients for a dessert” and you will have to restrain yourself from telling them to mind their own fucking business. So when you have some time to yourself, make yourself some tree bark, eat the whole lot and then stick our finger down your throat. Just kidding, not really.

Shit you’ll need:
Start off with a cookie sheet. You can also use one of those disposable metal tin thingys that you take to someone’s house when you have to bring a dish, you know the one's that you use so you don’t ever have to see them again in case there are leftovers, - you know what I’m talking about.

1 sleeve of saltine crackers. Yes, I said saltines – now go and get some. And no I don’t think it matters what brand or if they’re generic from your grocery store or if they’re salt-free or lightly salted or whatever other dumbass kind of saltine cracker they sell these days. Whatever kind of saltine cracker that you think you can handle, that’s the one you get. Don’t get too rowdy now.

1 cup butter. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm butter. DO NOT use margarine. I will come to your house and punch you in the throat for ruining my dessert. Ok, go on.

1/2 cup light brown sugar. Nothing witty here, just some fucking brown sugar, k?

A bag of semisweet chocolate chips. Now listen, we all know there is a huge variety of chocolate chips out there because, as a people, we like to make shit complicated. I don’t give a shit what kind you use. Get the generic kind or even the dollar store cheap shit for all I care. You could also get the fancy Gherridelli or whatever it’s called kind and pretend you’re eating dessert in Italy. Whatever, just find some kind of chocolate that melts.

Shit you’re gonna do:
First, heat up your oven to 350 degrees. Take your cookie sheet or cheap ass tin pan thingy and spray that shit with some cooking spray or even better, melt some butter on that shit. Take your saltines and line those fuckers up all over the tray, in rows. On the stove, melt your cup of butter (which is 2 sticks in case you didn’t know) and the brown sugar in a saucepan. Stir it a lot or that shit will stick. Keep that shit hot until it all melts and boils and shit. You’ll be able to figure out that it’s done. Congratulations, you now qualify to work for NASA. Ok, the next part is important, you gotta do the next part pretty fast b/c this shit will start cooling down and then it will all get ruined. You don’t want to be known as the knucklehead who ruined the tree bark right? Right. Ok so, pour the butter/brown sugar mixture all over the crackers you lined up on the cookie sheet. Do it fast, speed it up. Ok, now stick it in the oven for like 15 minutes, then take it back out. Then take your chocolate chips and sprinkle them all over the top of that concoction (hahaha I said cock) and make sure it’s even k? Now, wait for a minute until those little wonders to melt a little and then use some big ass spoon or spatula to spread it all around. Now let’s use our heads here people, if all the chips don’t melt enough– stick that shit back into the oven for a minute and help it out.

Once you got all that shit done, stick the whole cookie sheet in the fridge for like an hour. I know, that will be hard – but get over it. And if your fridge is too full to put a whole cookie sheet into it, then clean that shit out. After its cool, use a pizza cutter or your hands (you barbarian) and break that shit up. Now listen to me, before you take the first bite… try to be alone for this moment. Trust me, your kids will ruin it.

You’re welcome for the goodness that is panty-dropping tree bark. You may send me an FTD floral bouquet as a thank you, I’m in the book.

*** I don't know how to add in the pics into the shit I wrote up above, so enjoy them down here: