Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Cubed Steak with Tomatoes N' Shit

What the fuck is up with meat and gravy that makes my mouth water and my ass expand? I come from a long line of redneck women who can snap the neck of a live chicken and have dinner on the table before Tiger can make another panic phone call to another mistress (too soon?). Bitches knew how to cook. I strive to live up to my heritage and knowing what the hell to do with gizzards. Not really. I effing hate gizzards. But sho 'nuff, someone will ask me, "Did you save me the innards?". WTF?

Shit you're gonna need:
Cube Steak (duh) (get about 3 to 4 pieces)
Can of diced tomatoes (you bitches know I bought the generic, right?)
One tomato, sliced (don't cut yourself dumbasses)
Sliced cheese (I used over processed swiss, but you buy what you want)
A smidge of dried oregano and dried basil (no, not fresh, because I don't buy fresh, although my friend "A" grows that shit in her yard, I ain't got time for that. I got laundry to fold and excuses to come up with for not answering a text that someone sent me.)
1 teaspoon of sugar
1 teaspoon of salt
pepper if you're feeling spicy
1 tablespoon of butter
Shit you're gonna do:
Heat a skillet to medium heat. I have an electric stove. If you have gas, figure it out. Season your steaks with salt and pepper and throw those bitches in your hot pan. Wait about 4 minutes, which coincidentally is the exact amount of time it takes me to pour a lemon citron vodka and sprite, go figure.
After you've, *hiccup*, waited 4 minutes, flip those bad boys.
Is it just me, or does the one on the left look like Africa? So, let those little continents cook for another 4 minutes until they're done how you like. Apparently, the hubs told me that I cooked them too long. Mother fucker...guess who had to do the dishes...for a week?

Now, once your steaks are cooked (is it really fair to call these things "steaks", no? I didn't think so), you're gonna take the hot bitches out of the pan and set them aside. Throw a slab of butter, (mmmmm butter), in the pan. And when I say slab, I mean a tablespoon. Put in the salt, pepper and...whatever the hell else I said up there. I'm too lazy to look. Wait, shit, no. Hold on a second. I just meant the freakin' seasonings. Who's the dumbass now, eh? So, stir this shit around until it thickens...and yes dumbass, you can use a little Wundra to thicken it up if you can't keep your panties on long enough to wait for it to thicken itself. But whatever.

So, once it Ron Jeremy thickens, put the steaks back in, and lay on the tomato. Yes, I said Ron Jeremy and the word "lay" in the same sentence you dirty little monkey. Okay, what did I just say? Oh, okay...lay in the steaks, put on a slice of tomato and then the swiss cheese. Jizzle on the basil and oregano, put on a top and let those mother effers steam. Wait until that swiss starts to melt like a turd on a hot summer day. Not like I know what that looks like or anything, I'm just thinking that would be what that consistency would look like. But let's move on...

Look. There's my cheap ass pan that I only cook pancakes on. I've worn that bitch in like a hooker in a pair of cheap heels.

Now, the picture below isn't melted, because one of the kids ran through the kitchen telling me that the world was gonna end because his brother won't give him the ball back that he was playing with. Where is this kids father? Can't he handle this shit right now, I'm busy.
So, okay, here it is...Cubed Steak with Tomatoes N' Shit. Hopefully nobody will complain. But if they do, they'll probably complain that there isn't enough salt like someone ELSE I know. *cough, cough*, I can't imagine who that might be. Btw, did anyone notice that I used the word "jizzle" up there somewhere? Just keepin' ya' on your toes.


  1. Ron Jeremy, lay and jizzle, how could it not be good! lmao

  2. omfg

    This is absolutely awesome, you have me laughing so hard it hurts.