Monday, January 4, 2010

Effing Mashed Potatoes

If I see one more person put milk in mashed potatoes, I'll lose it. Seriously. Don't put milk in your effing mashed potatoes people. Please. Get past any fear you have over heavy cream and join me on a thigh expanding adventure with some effing mashed potatoes, shall we?

Shit you'll need:
Red potatoes
(I think these work best and the best way to figure out how many you'll need is this...if you're serving four people, just think that they'll eat 2 potatoes each so use 8. But if you're like me, you'll eat the middle of the night. Forget I said that - I don't really do that. Yes I do. If you're confused on the math here it's 4x2=8. My algebra teacher will be proud. Even though the witch failed me. It's not her fault, it's mine. But no it's not.)

Stick of unsalted butter
(or you know what, use salted if you want. I'm just trying to save your friggin' arteries here people. No, I'm not. I just always buy unsalted because of all the baking I try to talk myself into.)

Whipping Cream
(And at last, we reach the point of no return. This is it mofo's...this is the kicker, here's where it gets fucking awesome. I mean amazing people...amazing. Life changing, really. doesn't sound like I'm talking about cream now does it? Or maybe it does...hmmmm.'re gonna have to eyeball this crap. If you like creamy, you'll want more, if not, hold back. You'll see what I mean, just keep your panties on...)

Uh, you're also gonna need one of those mashed potato masher thingys. You can probably get one at Dollar Tree or some cheap ass store like that; I think mine is my mother in laws (she's got the good shit. MY mom has the good cookware and yes, I steal that too. But I'm sure you can take a second mortgage out to buy one at Williams Sonoma. You might just feel better about the world if you do, so knock yourself out cowboy.)

Shit you're gonna do:
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Now let's think about this for a second. When you're filling your pot of water, keep in mind that you're going to be adding potatoes to said pot of water. The water is gonna rise. So, while the water is trying to boil (don't forget to put the lid on), let's cut the potatoes. I cut mine in one inch cubes. Here's a little rocket science for ya'...the smaller the cube, the quicker it cooks; the larger the cube, the longer you're going to have to be in the kitchen. Your choice. And please don't effing waste your time by peeling them. You're about to put these bad boys in scorching hot water. Any dirt that you might be afraid of is about to disappear. This coming from an A class self diagnosed germaphobe. So go with me on this, k? Unless you're one of "those" people who don't like skins. I happen to like them. And I can't tell you how long they're going to boil but when you stick a fork in one of them, and they're soft and sort of fall apart, they're done. For me, it takes about 15 minutes.

When they're done, strain these mofo's. And then...wait. Wait until they stop steaming before you do anything else. I can't remember why, but I'm gonna need you to believe me. So, when they stop steaming, put them back in the pot. Add half a stick of butter, about 1/4 cup of the cream, and start mashing away. You want them more creamy and smooth, keep pouring and mashing. You like chunky and dry, then take it easy on the mashing. Me? I like mine chunky AND creamy. Sounds dirty, I know. But once I've added the butter and cream, I add the other half of the butter and then a little more cream until I get to the consistency I like. Also, add salt a little bit at a time if you want salt on your mashed goodness. And honestly, that's it. Oh wait. I also add about a cup of shredded cheese. But if you're miss money bags, feel free to shred up some expensive shit. Okay, that's it. Oh wait, no it's not. You can add all kinds of stuff to doctor this up. You can add chives and sour cream. You can add parsley and italian cheese. You can add roasted garlic with parmesan. It's a never ending cycle. Let me know if you've got any other cool combos to tell us about. Cheers!

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