Monday, March 8, 2010

Lazy Ass Lasagna

Holy shit lasagna is a lot of work. And I don’t care how fucking talented you are in the kitchen, smearing that cheese shit on those floppy noodles is NOT easy. It’s also a lot of steps that I don’t have time for because I’m usually dodging something being thrown at me. Not on purpose. I have two boys…a third if you count the hubs. And for some strange reason, they play dodgeball in the house. I don’t like this game because it’s apparently 100 points if you hit mom. My 6 year old racked up 12,000 points when I was making spaghetti the other night. Sum beach.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One onion, chopped (I saw there was a basic knife skills class at Williams Sonoma. I thought about taking it but the hubs was a little nervous about living with a redhead that knows how to properly debone a chicken in one cut.)

2 cloves of minced garlic (don’t get me wrong, I have the jarred shit in my fridge, but I honestly don’t use it. I’m a firm believer in fresh minced garlic. I also believe that Elvis lives in my bathroom, so you make the choice)

1 fatty roll of sausage (yes, I use sausage. It’s a southern thang. You know, because Lasagna originates from the south)

1 tsp of dried oregano (okay, so me and my friend “A” were at Ikea the other day on the hunt for new spice jars. Still haven’t found what I like, so my dumbass is on my hands and knees lifting up every damn jar of spice to see what the shit is.)

1 tsp of dried basil

A pinch of red pepper flakes (In college, someone dared me to put a tablespoon of this shit on my tongue for exactly three minutes. I won. And all I got was $5. Not worth it.)

1 big ass can of tomato puree (I think it’s 28 oz. Keep this shit stocked in your pantry at all times. You can pull shit out of your ass for dinner if you have this on hand. Trust me.)

2 cups of shredded mozzarella (yes, I said two cups because I know you lazy assholes know that those pre shredded bags are already measured into two cups.)

1 small jar of ricotta cheese

1 cup of grated parmasiano reggiano (that shit Rachel Ray uses all the time. Shit is good. Shit’s also expensive.)

1 box of penne pasta cooked and put aside.

Shit you’re gonna do:

I’m gonna apologize for not having any pictures. But on this particular day while making this recipe, we had a roofing contractor come in, the kids were crazy, the phone rang off the hook and the hubs was trying to feel me up while I browned the sausage. So, no pictures.

You’s a gonna need a big ass pot or dutch oven (if you know what the hell that is) for this. I’m gonna use my LeCruset that I tricked my husband into buying for me. Actually, I earned that bitch; complaining about childbirth, whining about my period and sex for a week straight got me that shit. Take everything I have, just don’t take that damn pot.

So, heat up a few tablespoons of olive oil then throw in your onion and cook for about 4 to 5 minutes. Add your garlic, but only cook it for about a minute, again, that shit burns. Quick. Then add your sausage and brown it up. Takes about 6 to 7 minutes. Add your dry seasonings (basil, oregano and red pepper).

Now you’re going to “make” your sauce. I’ll be honest with you…if you wanna throw in a jar of Prego in there…go for it. But a jar of tomato puree is WAY cheaper than Prego. And you’ve already put your seasonings in, so what the hell. Use the $0.89 jar of tomatoes versus the freakin $3.99 jar of sauce.

Next add your mozzarella and ricotta cheeses. Mmmmmm, cheese. By the way, Manchego dipped in honey is so fucking heavenly that you feel like you're eating it with Jesus. Try it when you have an extra $15 in your pocket to blow.

Once all those cheeses are all in love with the sauce and the sausage, add your pasta in. Then mix that shit, dump it in a 9x13 sprayed with non-stick spray and then top with your parmasiano reggiano. I know I said 1 cup, but I probably add about 2. That shit’s good. Now bake for about 25 minutes until it’s all bubbly and melted. Btw, there’s no calories in this. I checked.


  1. love ya, but pretty sure this cannot qualify as lasagna. just sayin' :)

  2. I don't mind lasagna b/c I don't cook the noodles. I just put plain old generic noodles, dry and crispy (that's right, I just said that), and layer it up. It all steams right and comes out great. And b/c I love you I'm going to say this too-You eat too much meat D!

  3. oh Adam, i love you too...but no. i love meat. there. i said it.