Friday, March 26, 2010

Kraft is gonna shit themselves when they see this.

Mother fucking mac and cheese. THE DUEL!!!!!! Mine first, then Danielle's. Enjoy mofo's!

So, here’s my version of bad ass mac and cheese. What Danielle and I would like you to do is make both of them, since we know you have all the time in the world, and you tell us which one you like better. If not, no worries, just ignore the flaming bag of dog shit we left on your doorstep.

Mother fucking mac and cheese

I tried a mac and cheese recipe from our local newspaper. Just for shits and giggles and to see if there was anything special about it. It was in the newspaper, so it had to be good, right? Holy shit. It sucked ass. Going into it, I knew the measurements in this dumbass recipe were wrong. I knew it, just like I know the ending to every single Kate Hudson movie ever. Even the ones she hasn’t made yet. So, I went back to a doctored up recipe from my mother. She doesn’t believe in powdered cheese. She also doesn’t believe that I can cook, but she’ll also drop an F bomb and tell a dirty joke while meeting your future in-laws, so use your best judgment here.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb of elbow macaroni (It’s a full box.)

1 stick of unsalted butter, cubed (It’ll melt faster if it’s cubed. Just trying to make your life a little easier here people)

½ cup of all purpose flour

4 cups of milk (my mom wrote “1 quart”. Fuck that, I had to look up that conversion and I got ticked. It’s 4 cups, so just write 4 cups.)

½ teaspoon of black pepper (doesn’t have to be fresh. Makes no difference to me. It’s not like Martha is gonna sit at your table and notice. And when I say Martha, I will always mean “THE Martha”. She sits next to Jesus at my holy table. Just in case you’re wondering.)

1/8 teaspoon of ground red pepper

¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg (I love nutmeg. You put it in something sweet and it’s fucking delicious. You put it in something salty and it’s also delicious. It’s versatile. Just like edible underwear)

4 cups of shredded sharp cheddar cheese (you’re more than welcome to use mild, but you’ll notice the difference.)

2 cups of pepper jack (just for a little kick in the ass)

4 oz of cream cheese (half a package. But don’t soften this. Just don’t do it.)

For the topping:

4 slices of white bread (I actually used two hot dog buns because we don’t eat white bread. I tried this topping with wheat bread and it tastes like shit. The only white bread I had in the house was hot dog buns. You can write me a thank you note for being so fucking creative)

½ stick of butter melted

2 teaspoons of garlic salt (it’s a lot, I know. But that shit’s good)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 375. Boil your macaroni. If it finishes cooking before your sauce, then leave it in the strainer and add some evoo and salt. Trust me. Or trust Danielle, she taught me that.

Melt your butter over medium heat. This is the time you want to use a big ass pot. Whisk in your flour and let it cook for about 2 minutes. You don’t want any flour shitty taste. Then pour in your milk and whisk that shit until it thickens. Add your spices (black pepper, red pepper, nutmeg and a dash of salt) and keep whisking. Then add your cheeses until it’s all combined and then pour in your pasta and stir that shit until each noodle is coated in mother fucking cheesiness. Then pour in half of the cheese mixture in a 9x13 pan sprayed with non-stick spray. Then…are you ready for THIS shit…take your 4oz of cream cheese and put little pieces of it on top of the cheesiness. Then top with the remaining noodle shit and throw in the oven for about 20 minutes. While that nonsense is bubbling and getting’ hot. We’re gonna make the topping. Yes…the topping. This is the signature topping that my mother makes. It makes the hubs happy as well as my ass. Just ask my bathing suit.

Once your mac and cheese is done, pull it out. (yup, I said “pull out”) Melt your butter and add the garlic salt and stir. Now, cube your bread and spread it out all over the mac. Then pour that melted shit all over the bread. Make sure it gets every single fucking piece of bread. You won’t regret it. Put that shit back in the oven until that bread is all crispy. ‘Bout 5-10 minutes.

If you want to propose to someone…now would be the time. Right after they take a bite of this glorious shit you just made them. The only thing the hubs complained about was that it needed more salt. F that. Stop complaining and go do the damn dishes.

And now...for Danielle's...

Alright, so Delaina and I are having a friendly recipe duel. See, I make some mouth-watering yummy ass macaroni and cheese that makes southern black women beam with pride. How do I know this? Because I had an older black lady from the South try my mac-n-cheese and she said the shit was good. I totally made that up. But seriously, this shit is good. However, I think just looking at this mac and cheese you gain 9 pounds. Just letting you know. Now if you were a good little reader of this blog, you would make both recipes, do a taste test and let us all know which one is better. Get right on that wouldya?

Shit you’re gonna need:

Get a big ass throw away metal baking pan thingy and some tinfoil too.

5 cups cooked macaroni (approx 4 cups uncooked) – this is a box retards.
5 tbsp butter – mmmmmmmmmmmm butter
2 eggs (I wish this called for more eggs as I still have 61 left from my snow storm Costco visit)
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
2 1/2 cups milk
2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
4 cups shredded cheddar cheese

Shit you’re gonna do:

Now let me start by telling you that this recipe makes enough to feed a small village in Honduras. So if you’re feeding a family of 4 or some shit, cut the recipe in half. For you geniuses out there, that’s ½ box of macaroni, 3 tbsp of butta, 1 egg, etc… you get the picture. If you can’t divide things by 2 then get your ass back to the 3rd grade.

Preheat your oven to 350. Cook the macaroni until it’s done as you normally would. I’m not a big fan of al denti macaroni and cheese so let those noodles get soft, but don’t overcook them and get a big ass sloppy mess. Drain your mac and run some cold water over it and leave that shit in the sink for a minute.

Now you can do this directly in your throw away metal pan thingy or if you have a big ass bowl, use that. Depends on if you wanna do the dishes later or not, I’ll go with option a. Just make sure that your mixing bowl or metal pan thingy is big enough – otherwise you’re gonna make a huge ass mess. Put the macaroni, butter, salt, pepper, milk, mozzarella cheese and 3 cups of cheddar and mix that shit up. In a separate little bowl, beat your eggs (oh yeaaaaaaaaaa) and then throw them in with that noodle concoction and stir it all up. This will be a shitload of food, don’t get it all over your counters k? At this point said concoction won’t look too appetizing, but bare with me.

So stick that shit in the disposable metal pan thingy (what the fuck are those things really called?) and cover it with aluminum foil. Now if you did what I said like a good little girl, you will have to use 2 pieces of aluminum because your metal pan thingy is so big. Stick that shit in the oven for like 45 minutes, careful picking it up – shit weighs a metric ton. About 20 minutes into it cooking when you get the 1st wiff of the aromas that this cheesy delight omits, you will be praising baby Jesus and me. Oh you’re welcome. After 45 minutes, take this heavy ass thing out of the oven, uncover it and pour another cup of chedda on the top and stick that shit back in the oven for 15 more minutes.

Now listen, you’re gonna be excited to eat this because this is the kind of mac and cheese they serve at BBQ joints in the south and makes you speak in tongues while ingesting it. But let the shit cool down before you eat it or you will scald your mouth, you big dumb ass. You could always cut out the middle man and just rub this shit directly onto your thighs, up to you.

Don’t call me when your pants don’t fit. Enjoy!

(let us know if you try these! we just gotta know!!)


  1. you crack me up, too bad i hatez cheese.


  3. I'm so late to this but this is what it would be like if my sister and I had a cooking blog. Just like mom used to teach us.