Kraft is gonna shit themselves when they see this.

Mother fucking mac and cheese. THE DUEL!!!!!! Mine first, then Danielle's. Enjoy mofo's!

So, here’s my version of bad ass mac and cheese. What Danielle and I would like you to do is make both of them, since we know you have all the time in the world, and you tell us which one you like better. If not, no worries, just ignore the flaming bag of dog shit we left on your doorstep.

Mother fucking mac and cheese

I tried a mac and cheese recipe from our local newspaper. Just for shits and giggles and to see if there was anything special about it. It was in the newspaper, so it had to be good, right? Holy shit. It sucked ass. Going into it, I knew the measurements in this dumbass recipe were wrong. I knew it, just like I know the ending to every single Kate Hudson movie ever. Even the ones she hasn’t made yet. So, I went back to a doctored up recipe from my mother. She doesn’t believe in powdered cheese. She also doesn’t believe that I can cook, but she’ll also drop an F bomb and tell a dirty joke while meeting your future in-laws, so use your best judgment here.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 lb of elbow macaroni (It’s a full box.)

1 stick of unsalted butter, cubed (It’ll melt faster if it’s cubed. Just trying to make your life a little easier here people)

½ cup of all purpose flour

4 cups of milk (my mom wrote “1 quart”. Fuck that, I had to look up that conversion and I got ticked. It’s 4 cups, so just write 4 cups.)

½ teaspoon of black pepper (doesn’t have to be fresh. Makes no difference to me. It’s not like Martha is gonna sit at your table and notice. And when I say Martha, I will always mean “THE Martha”. She sits next to Jesus at my holy table. Just in case you’re wondering.)

1/8 teaspoon of ground red pepper

¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg (I love nutmeg. You put it in something sweet and it’s fucking delicious. You put it in something salty and it’s also delicious. It’s versatile. Just like edible underwear)

4 cups of shredded sharp cheddar cheese (you’re more than welcome to use mild, but you’ll notice the difference.)

2 cups of pepper jack (just for a little kick in the ass)

4 oz of cream cheese (half a package. But don’t soften this. Just don’t do it.)

For the topping:

4 slices of white bread (I actually used two hot dog buns because we don’t eat white bread. I tried this topping with wheat bread and it tastes like shit. The only white bread I had in the house was hot dog buns. You can write me a thank you note for being so fucking creative)

½ stick of butter melted

2 teaspoons of garlic salt (it’s a lot, I know. But that shit’s good)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 375. Boil your macaroni. If it finishes cooking before your sauce, then leave it in the strainer and add some evoo and salt. Trust me. Or trust Danielle, she taught me that.

Melt your butter over medium heat. This is the time you want to use a big ass pot. Whisk in your flour and let it cook for about 2 minutes. You don’t want any flour shitty taste. Then pour in your milk and whisk that shit until it thickens. Add your spices (black pepper, red pepper, nutmeg and a dash of salt) and keep whisking. Then add your cheeses until it’s all combined and then pour in your pasta and stir that shit until each noodle is coated in mother fucking cheesiness. Then pour in half of the cheese mixture in a 9x13 pan sprayed with non-stick spray. Then…are you ready for THIS shit…take your 4oz of cream cheese and put little pieces of it on top of the cheesiness. Then top with the remaining noodle shit and throw in the oven for about 20 minutes. While that nonsense is bubbling and getting’ hot. We’re gonna make the topping. Yes…the topping. This is the signature topping that my mother makes. It makes the hubs happy as well as my ass. Just ask my bathing suit.

Once your mac and cheese is done, pull it out. (yup, I said “pull out”) Melt your butter and add the garlic salt and stir. Now, cube your bread and spread it out all over the mac. Then pour that melted shit all over the bread. Make sure it gets every single fucking piece of bread. You won’t regret it. Put that shit back in the oven until that bread is all crispy. ‘Bout 5-10 minutes.

If you want to propose to someone…now would be the time. Right after they take a bite of this glorious shit you just made them. The only thing the hubs complained about was that it needed more salt. F that. Stop complaining and go do the damn dishes.

And now...for Danielle's...

Alright, so Delaina and I are having a friendly recipe duel. See, I make some mouth-watering yummy ass macaroni and cheese that makes southern black women beam with pride. How do I know this? Because I had an older black lady from the South try my mac-n-cheese and she said the shit was good. I totally made that up. But seriously, this shit is good. However, I think just looking at this mac and cheese you gain 9 pounds. Just letting you know. Now if you were a good little reader of this blog, you would make both recipes, do a taste test and let us all know which one is better. Get right on that wouldya?

Shit you’re gonna need:

Get a big ass throw away metal baking pan thingy and some tinfoil too.

5 cups cooked macaroni (approx 4 cups uncooked) – this is a box retards.
5 tbsp butter – mmmmmmmmmmmm butter
2 eggs (I wish this called for more eggs as I still have 61 left from my snow storm Costco visit)
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
2 1/2 cups milk
2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
4 cups shredded cheddar cheese

Shit you’re gonna do:

Now let me start by telling you that this recipe makes enough to feed a small village in Honduras. So if you’re feeding a family of 4 or some shit, cut the recipe in half. For you geniuses out there, that’s ½ box of macaroni, 3 tbsp of butta, 1 egg, etc… you get the picture. If you can’t divide things by 2 then get your ass back to the 3^rd grade.

Preheat your oven to 350. Cook the macaroni until it’s done as you normally would. I’m not a big fan of al denti macaroni and cheese so let those noodles get soft, but don’t overcook them and get a big ass sloppy mess. Drain your mac and run some cold water over it and leave that shit in the sink for a minute.

Now you can do this directly in your throw away metal pan thingy or if you have a big ass bowl, use that. Depends on if you wanna do the dishes later or not, I’ll go with option a. Just make sure that your mixing bowl or metal pan thingy is big enough – otherwise you’re gonna make a huge ass mess. Put the macaroni, butter, salt, pepper, milk, mozzarella cheese and 3 cups of cheddar and mix that shit up. In a separate little bowl, beat your eggs (oh yeaaaaaaaaaa) and then throw them in with that noodle concoction and stir it all up. This will be a shitload of food, don’t get it all over your counters k? At this point said concoction won’t look too appetizing, but bare with me.

So stick that shit in the disposable metal pan thingy (what the fuck are those things really called?) and cover it with aluminum foil. Now if you did what I said like a good little girl, you will have to use 2 pieces of aluminum because your metal pan thingy is so big. Stick that shit in the oven for like 45 minutes, careful picking it up – shit weighs a metric ton. About 20 minutes into it cooking when you get the 1^st wiff of the aromas that this cheesy delight omits, you will be praising baby Jesus and me. Oh you’re welcome. After 45 minutes, take this heavy ass thing out of the oven, uncover it and pour another cup of chedda on the top and stick that shit back in the oven for 15 more minutes.

Now listen, you’re gonna be excited to eat this because this is the kind of mac and cheese they serve at BBQ joints in the south and makes you speak in tongues while ingesting it. But let the shit cool down before you eat it or you will scald your mouth, you big dumb ass. You could always cut out the middle man and just rub this shit directly onto your thighs, up to you.

Don’t call me when your pants don’t fit. Enjoy!

(let us know if you try these! we just gotta know!!)

You thought I was gone? Neva! (hello, its D2 - how do you do?)

Semi-Homemade Pasta

So I grew 7 new grays and lost 4 pounds while waiting for Delaina to write her mac-n-cheese recipe for our duel, so here I am to share a yummy-ass pasta recipe. Now I must first disclose that I make my “spaghetti” semi-homemade. What is spaghetti in quotes, you ask? Well a lot of people don’t know that just b/c its noodles and red sauce it doesn’t automatically make it spaghetti. Spaghetti is a type of noodle and it goes hand in hand with a certain type of red sauce to make a spaghetti meal. Each type of noodle has its own corresponding sauce. How do I know all this? Because fucking I attended Olive Garden University for my under-grad. Well not really because that nasty place doesn’t even join the correct noodle to the correct sauce. Just ask my dad, he’ll tell you ALL about it. Olive Garden is on his permanent shit list, along with Bob Evans and Things Remembered. But those are stories for another day. Let’s continue.

So, my grandmother was Italian. And not fake Italian like the kids from Jersey Shore, she was really from Italy. Her name was Angelina and she made the meanest fucking marina this side of the pond. Delaina can I get a what, what? See Delaina and I used to spend Spring Breaks and summer vacations at Mama Nina’s house getting fattened up (more me than Delaina of course) and painting ceramics. Ok, where was I? Oh right, if my grandmother knew that I was combining homemade ingredients with a jar of pasta sauce from the store – she’d smack me from the grave. RIP Mama Nina – miss you.

Ok, so I have to 1st tell you that I don’t just use any pasta sauce from the store. Like Ragu or Prego? YUCK. Now, if you like these sauces – that is your business and I’m ok with it. You get whatever sauce works for your family and your budget. I use a really yummy sauce that my father introduced me to called Raos. Now, don’t shit your pants, but the shit costs like $8-10 a jar (depending on the grocery store). I know that’s a lot. But it’s fucking delicious. It is SO similar to the sauce that my grandmother made, I have to get. I will tell you that you can take this sauce and dump it on some noodles and call it a day and you will not be disappointed. It doesn’t taste a thing like Ragu or Prego or Mario Battali’s nasty ass sauce in a jar. Shit is good, I ain’t lying. Now, if you have kids that are picky eaters, this may not be the sauce for you because it has things like fresh basil in it. I’m lucky (or just a drill sergeant) and my kids are not picky. They eat what the fuck I put in front of them or they go hungry – but that’s just me.

Shit you’re gonna need:
1 jar of Raos marina sauce. (or some other shit you and your family like)

Diced yellow and red onions. Now before you go thinking I’m all non-lazy – I’m not. They sell them diced at my local grocery store in containers for 2 for $4. Shit is great. Use as much or as little as you like. I probably use the equivalent to ½ a small onion of each.

1 medium squash, 1 medium zucchini – diced into small cubes to hide them from children. Now, if you don’t like these vegetables – don’t use them. It’s that simple. I’m just trying to get some more veggies in my family’s diet. Sometimes I put some little tiny carrots in this shit too.

½ cup of balsamic vinegar. Stay with me now, give it a chance.

1 pound ground turkey or ground beef.

Pasta of your choice. I used Penne when I made this last night because I bought a fucking case of 72 at Costco along with my helicopter seat.

Splash of EVOO. If you don’t know what that is – google it.

* ½ cup of chicken broth - optional

Shit you’re gonna do:
In a big ass pan (like one that can fit all these ingredients minus the pasta) add your EVOO and onions and cook until translucent. Add some salt and peppa and whatever other spices u like to add in (like garlic salt or fresh garlic, whatever). Once these little monkeys are cooked up, add in your balsamic vinegar and let that simmer in medium heat for a little while. Throw in your other various vegetables. Cook all that up until your veggies are done, you’ll know when you see it. Now throw in your ground meat. Cook that up too. Oh, put your pasta in boiling water at some point too. My husband is a big fan of al dente – so I don’t cook my penne for more than 12 minutes. Did you know that penne in Spanish means dick? Lol.

Now after your meat is cooked and in there with your veggies, crack open your gold in sauce form and throw that shit in there. Stir it up so it’s all blended. Now here’s the chance to add in some chicken broth to thin out your sauce a little. I don’t like thick sauce, but you you might so you make the call.

Ok, so we’re ready to throw all that shit in with the cooked pasta. I typically drain my noodles and then stick them back in the pot with some salt and pepper and a little EVOO, then I put my sauce in. You should do this, it makes it more gooder.

Enjoy!

Ps – I didn’t take pics while I was cooking, but I gots me some leftovers for lunch today. Shit is mouth-watering – is it lunchtime yet?

Happy St. Patty's Day Bitches

I served this sandwich to the hubs literally five minutes ago. "How was it?" I asked. "Fuck yes." he answered. I'll take that as a compliment.

I didn't have the time to make corned beef and cabbage this year. Nor will I ever. I will never make time for that nasty shit. I can't stand the smell of cabbage. Smells like a homeless man's ass. I assume.

So, I made a sandwich. I have a meeting at church tonight and the hubs has a Magic game, so shit's gotta be quick. Isn't it always quick with men? Nevermind. Forget I said that.

Shit you're gonna need:

Rye Bread

Corned Beef (I went to the deli, asked for a pound of that shit and stuck it in the outside fridge in my garage cuz that mother fucker STINKS!)

Fontina cheese, sliced (I love me some fancy cheese. And fontina is soft and meltable. Is "meltable" a word? It is now! But if you don't have fontina, you can use gouda or you're regular sliced processed cheese from Kraft. I won't judge.)

Small Onion (yellow, purple, I don't give a shit, just a fucking onion)

2 tablespoons of butter

Shit you're gonna do:

Melt one tablespoon of the butter in a skillet. Slice up the effing onion and saute that shit until it's all translucent. When they're done, take the onions out and melt the other tablespoon of butter. Then lay a slice of bread down, top that shit with your corned beef, your onions and the cheese. Put another slice of bread on top, wait for the bottom to brown. Flip that shit and when the second side is done, go shoe shopping because you deserve to celebrate one bad ass mother fuckin' sandwich. Word to your mutha.

Lazy Ass Lasagna

Holy shit lasagna is a lot of work. And I don’t care how fucking talented you are in the kitchen, smearing that cheese shit on those floppy noodles is NOT easy. It’s also a lot of steps that I don’t have time for because I’m usually dodging something being thrown at me. Not on purpose. I have two boys…a third if you count the hubs. And for some strange reason, they play dodgeball in the house. I don’t like this game because it’s apparently 100 points if you hit mom. My 6 year old racked up 12,000 points when I was making spaghetti the other night. Sum beach.

Shit you’re gonna need:

One onion, chopped (I saw there was a basic knife skills class at Williams Sonoma. I thought about taking it but the hubs was a little nervous about living with a redhead that knows how to properly debone a chicken in one cut.)

2 cloves of minced garlic (don’t get me wrong, I have the jarred shit in my fridge, but I honestly don’t use it. I’m a firm believer in fresh minced garlic. I also believe that Elvis lives in my bathroom, so you make the choice)

1 fatty roll of sausage (yes, I use sausage. It’s a southern thang. You know, because Lasagna originates from the south)

1 tsp of dried oregano (okay, so me and my friend “A” were at Ikea the other day on the hunt for new spice jars. Still haven’t found what I like, so my dumbass is on my hands and knees lifting up every damn jar of spice to see what the shit is.)

1 tsp of dried basil

A pinch of red pepper flakes (In college, someone dared me to put a tablespoon of this shit on my tongue for exactly three minutes. I won. And all I got was $5. Not worth it.)

1 big ass can of tomato puree (I think it’s 28 oz. Keep this shit stocked in your pantry at all times. You can pull shit out of your ass for dinner if you have this on hand. Trust me.)

2 cups of shredded mozzarella (yes, I said two cups because I know you lazy assholes know that those pre shredded bags are already measured into two cups.)

1 small jar of ricotta cheese

1 cup of grated parmasiano reggiano (that shit Rachel Ray uses all the time. Shit is good. Shit’s also expensive.)

1 box of penne pasta cooked and put aside.

Shit you’re gonna do:

I’m gonna apologize for not having any pictures. But on this particular day while making this recipe, we had a roofing contractor come in, the kids were crazy, the phone rang off the hook and the hubs was trying to feel me up while I browned the sausage. So, no pictures.

You’s a gonna need a big ass pot or dutch oven (if you know what the hell that is) for this. I’m gonna use my LeCruset that I tricked my husband into buying for me. Actually, I earned that bitch; complaining about childbirth, whining about my period and sex for a week straight got me that shit. Take everything I have, just don’t take that damn pot.

So, heat up a few tablespoons of olive oil then throw in your onion and cook for about 4 to 5 minutes. Add your garlic, but only cook it for about a minute, again, that shit burns. Quick. Then add your sausage and brown it up. Takes about 6 to 7 minutes. Add your dry seasonings (basil, oregano and red pepper).

Now you’re going to “make” your sauce. I’ll be honest with you…if you wanna throw in a jar of Prego in there…go for it. But a jar of tomato puree is WAY cheaper than Prego. And you’ve already put your seasonings in, so what the hell. Use the $0.89 jar of tomatoes versus the freakin $3.99 jar of sauce.

Next add your mozzarella and ricotta cheeses. Mmmmmm, cheese. By the way, Manchego dipped in honey is so fucking heavenly that you feel like you're eating it with Jesus. Try it when you have an extra $15 in your pocket to blow.

Once all those cheeses are all in love with the sauce and the sausage, add your pasta in. Then mix that shit, dump it in a 9x13 sprayed with non-stick spray and then top with your parmasiano reggiano. I know I said 1 cup, but I probably add about 2. That shit’s good. Now bake for about 25 minutes until it’s all bubbly and melted. Btw, there’s no calories in this. I checked.

One more fucking crock pot recipe

Okay, this one comes from a hot chick in Chicago...or as my dad says "sheee-caag-ooo". She's a riot and she's the sister of one of my bad ass friends "E". "E" is a part of a group here where I live called Mommy Happy Hour. And it's just that. We hang, the kids run around like fucking crazy and we empty wine bottles. It's a tough life. But someone's gotta do it....Take it away Hot Chicago...

If you’re wondering what your house should smell like next after your last Yankee Candle creation you should try this! It’s kind of like being at a Chicago Bears Tailgate party….. minus the mustaches, beer and meat encased sausages. You will want this effing smell to linger for days add a side of vodka and lemons and this is what I call a Vedder-tastic Tailgate Party.

Shit your gonna need:
A Crockpot….you got that your husband dug it out of the depths of hell for you (your garage)…kinda like my husband has to do when I ask for my cupcake tower that is buried deep underneath our stair case of our tight ass condo .

A roast….about 4lbs, a little big bigger than the last baby born from 19 kids and counting….i know I know terrible to say but true, hey my nephew was the same size at birth so I can say those things…..miracles from heaven =)

A jar of Giardiniera……you can go mild or you can go hot whatever you feel like…remember what goes in must come out (yes I am vulgar but truthful). Make sure to drain it you don’t want all that oil in the pot

One can of Low Sodium Beef Broth….any brand will do, make sure to go with low sodium because next you will need

One package of Italian Seasoning for salad dressing….the kind you buy when you want to mix it with vinegar and oil. That’s your sodium intake for a month……

That’s all the shit you will need. Now throw the 19th kid and everything else in the crock pot. That’s it.

Now how long should it cook for? All day, on low when you get up to bring the kids to school throw it in (or throw it in the pot the night before put it in the fridge and start it up when the kids are heading to school). You cook this shit about 10-12 hours on low, 6 hours on high. By the time you get home from lunches, runs and mommy happy hour it will be done. The meat will fall apart on its own.

Toast some good rolls (GOOD ITALIAN ROLLS) in the oven, slap on a piece of mozzarella cheese if you may (I suggest you do) and shovel that shit in like your hibernating in Chicago over the winter. I suggest you dip the bread in that beautiful broth, we call it a soaker up here in Chicago =)

D2won't eat cinnamon.

She won't. She hates it. So, she's either gonna say "I ain't eating that shit" or she'll eliminate the cinnamon...let's see...

Fair Food in your crock pot...yes please.

Shit you’re gonna need:

5 apples (red, green…I honestly believe that all apples taste the same. This might start some stupid ass controversy, but I seriously don't taste a difference. Red apples look better in my kitchen, so that's what I buy.)

1 cup of apple juice

14 oz. of caramel candies (It’s about 2 cups and yes, it’s gonna be a pain in the ass to unwrap all that shit, but it’s worth it, just ask my ass)

2 teaspoons of vanilla (you can use the fake shit if you want. But I don’t. I’m a vanilla snob. Gotta have the real stuff)

1 teaspoon of cinnamon (If your name is Danielle, you can omit the cinnamon. The chick absolutely despises cinnamon and I have no effing idea why)

2/3 cup of peanut butter

Shit you’re gonna do:

Peel, core and cut each apple. You should have 16 wedges. You also should’ve pulled out that stupid ass peel and core thing you bought from Pampered Chef that you SWORE you would use, like, every week.

Next mix up the apple juice, caramels, vanilla and cinnamon in the crockpot. Add the apples and dollop the peanut butter on each apple. ‘Bout a teaspoon per apple. But more if you’re me, cuz I dig peanut butter.

Cover that shit and cook on low for 5 hours. Then stir it up, cover again and cook for another hour.

Your house now smells like the fucking Yankee Candle store. You're welcome.

I'm over this whole crock pot bullshit

...but I'm not giving up! Two more days people...two more effing days of crock pot bullshit.

I love me some cashews. But I don't like chicken. So, I guess if I put cashews on it, I'll eat it. I'll also eat anything with chocolate on it - but not on chicken. I'm a redneck, not an idiot. Wait. I think those two go together some how.

Catch-U Chicken or Cashew Chicken if you’re not an idiot like me

Shit you’re gonna need:

6 chicken breasts (I only have four, it’ll have to do. I’m in NO mood to go to the store)

2 tablespoons of butter

¼ cup of chopped onion

1 cup of sliced mushrooms (I used to call these marshmallows as a kid. It was my moms evil way into tricking me to eat vegetables. Smart lady.)

Can of cream of mushroom soup (I think you need a can of this shit in your pantry at all times.)

1 cup celery, sliced (I hate celery. Seriously, I do. But for some reason, it makes this dish just that much better. But don’t give me ants on a log or bullshit like that. Shit needs to be cooked)

1 ½ Tbs of soy sauce

1 ½ cup of cashews (whole cashews are effing expensive, so I buy the can that’s the bits and pieces as well. I’m tryin’ to save a dollar here people)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Throw all this shit in the crock. Put the damn lid on and cook on low for 6-8 hours or high for 4-5. Then, just smile and wave.

What a crock of cake

No, I’ve never made a cake in the crock pot. I’ve also never had a million dollars. Doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. Just sayin’. So, I’m gonna buck up and try this. Wanna do it with me? I meant make the cake. (btw, I’m writing this while there’s 2 six year olds playing basketball in my house. My three year old is sleeping and my dog is barking like a fucking maniac because my neighbor is getting a roof put on and the stupid ass thinks that some fucker is knocking on the door every time a freakin’ nail is ejected from the nail gun. Dumb fuck.)

Shit you’re gonna need:

½ stick of butter (of course)

Enough brown sugar to cover the bottom of your crock pot (could be a cup, could be two cups, I don’t effing know yet)

1 large can of pineapple slices, drained, but reserve ½ cup of the juice. (you’re gonna add that delicious juice to the batter. Yummmmm)

1 box of yellow cake mix and the ingredients it takes to make the damn cake

Shit you’re gonna do:

Okay, I’ve never done this before, so just go with me on this one. Turn your crock pot on low, put in the butter and put the lid on. Now, stand there like a dumbass and watch the butter melt. Not sure how long it’ll take, but I’m sure it’s pretty close to watching paint dry. So, in the meantime, make up your cake batter but don’t forget to add your pineapple juice to it. Trust me, you’ll love it. If not, just forget I ever told you to do that. If you’re a bad ass, make your shit from scratch. But I ain’t got time for that shit. I’m waiting on UPS to deliver my Amazon.com order and update my facebook status.

Once your butter is melted, sprinkle around your brown sugar until the bottom of the pot is well coated…half inch maybe? Then lay down your slices of pineapple in one layer. But if you’re dealing with a small ass crock pot, go get your cheap ass a new big one from WalMart. But until you put on your pink fishnet stockings and head to Walmart to buy said pot, you’re more than welcome to layer those little bastards.

Now that those happy little slices are mingling with their brown sugar, spray the inside of the crock pot sides with non-stick spray. I don’t want you cussing me out because I’m the dumbass who forgot to tell you to spray that shit. Now, pour on your cake batter, put on your lid and let’s just see what happens. Will it take 4 hours? 3? 9? I guess we’ll find out. But keep that shit on low. Low and slow. We’ll know it’s done when you stick a toothpick in the middle of that shit and it comes out clean. Yessssssss.

Crazy Ass Crock Pot Adventure - Recipe 2

So, we're redoing our garage. And when I say "we", I mean the hubs. I don't do manual labor. But during this renovation, the hubs boxed up all of my shit from the garage. Including my bad ass crock pot that I stole from my dad. Don't think I didn't make that turd go dig that shit out this morning. 'Cause I did. So, thanks honey. I'll pay you back later, wink wink.

Tip of my Crock Beef

Shit you’re gonna need:

½ stick of butter

2 lbs. of stew meat or sirloin tips if you’re loaded

¾ c of white wine (I’m actually gonna use a full cup. Because I want to. And yes, I’ll drink the rest)

½ c. water

1 clove garlic, minced

1 cans of golden mushroom soup

2 tsp finely chopped onions

Rice or noodles. I’m gonna put my shit over rice because I can’t have noodles. But you do what makes you tingle in your pants, k?

Shit you’re gonna do:

Melt the butter in a pan. (shocker, I know). Then brown your beef (insert dirty thought here) and put it in the crock pot. Dump in the wine, water, garlic, soup and onion. Put this shit on low for 6 hours. When it’s done, your husband will feel you up in the kitchen, try to give you a hickey and thank his lucky stars that you’re a bad ass cook. Oh, serve it over rice or noodles. You’re done hookers – now go have fun!