Green Peppers Stuffed with Awesomeness.

Philly Cheesesteak Stuffed Green Peppers

Alright.  Confession.  I’m addicted to Pinterest.  And I found this recipe idea on said site and I couldn’t resist.  I couldn’t help but drool with the thought of juicy meat being stuffed into something hot.  (See what I did there?)

Shit you're gonna need:

1 red onion, sliced (I'm sure you can use white or yellow, I just happen to think that red is better.  Not for any reason except that I have red hair, and I'm pretty awesome.)

3 green peppers (completely ignore the fact that there are indeed, 4 pictured here.  I only used three and shoved the extra back in the fridge hoping to use it before it goes bad.  At $0.89 a piece, shit better not go bad.)

1 package of mushrooms (I would say a small package, but that's all they have.  I've never seen a "size" ratio.)

2 packages of Steak Ums (pictured below because I forgot to get them out for this particular shot.)

Provolone cheese (I used two slices on each pepper, so guesstimate how much you'll need.)

olive oil (for sautéing, duh.)

Worstechsire (for taste, duh. again.)

salt and peper

Here's where I sliced the three peppers in half.  Then I took a step back to see which four I didn't fuck up the most that would be feasible for stuffing.  The other two just ended up being sliced and used in the "mix." 

Next is just a picture of my garbage bowl.  Sorry Rachel Ray.  I know she made a fuck-tillion dollars on the phrases, "EVOO" and "Yum-o", but I'm not paying $14.99 for a fucking "garbage bowl" from JC Penney.  $14.99 is what I spend on a good bottle of wine that I'm trying to impress someone with.

Pictured here is all the mushrooms which were pre-chopped (thank you, super target), and the green peppers and onions.  I just gotta say, it smelled fucking delicious.  I have a "thing" for green peppers and most definitely for mushroom. (Sidebar: when I was a little tot, I got the word marshmallow and mushrooms confused so I would ask my mom for marshmallows as a snack which meant mushrooms.  Stupid ass, kid.)

Slight obsession with these since college.  Not gonna lie, though, when it tells you that the hot oil could pop on you.  Be assured that it'll pop on you.  And probably on your boob.  Just sayin'.  (btw, again, I used two packages of these)

Heat up two tablespoons of olive oil and then dump in your onion, green pepper, and mushroom mixture.

See...it's cooking down, so don't shit yourself with "How the hell am I gonna fit all that shit into 4 half peppers."  Calm down there MacGuyver.  Shit will happen.

Now, stack up your steak ums, one box at a time and slice those bitches up. 

Add them to the veggie mix and let it cook down.  (this is where that fucking onion popped up and burned my boob.  Little fucker.  That'll teach me to wear a v-neck while cooking.)

 Second box in...

Aaaaaaaaaand done.  Mind you, please salt and pepper to taste here, because I really should have.

Stuff those bitches like a bad prom date...

Lay on the cheese and bake for about 20 minutes.  I had to put on a sheet of aluminum foil half way through cooking so that the cheese wouldn't burn...

And VOILA!  Oh wait.  What's that?  I forgot to take a final picture with my camera?  Fucking red wine.  I took it with my phone and updated it on facebook.  So check back there for the final pictures.

Peace out, my ninjas.

btw, the original link where I got this idea was from...  http://peaceloveandlowcarb.blogspot.com/2012/06/philly-cheesesteak-stuffed-peppers.html

word.

Green Hornet Tacos

D1 and D2 were reunited just after Christmas this year. It was also just after Kwanza, if that’s what you celebrate. It was about 11 days post-Hanukkah.  You get the picture.

When we reunite, amazing shit goes down. We eat, we laugh, we drink, we yell at our children, we compete in multiple dance offs (true story), and dammit – we cook.

That’s not entirely true. We don’t ALWAYS cook. The days that D2 spends at D1’s humble abode are generally a whirlwind and we end up throwing chicken fingers in the oven for our kids while we knock back vodka tonics and stay up late gabbing and pillow fighting. But not this trip, we cooked our asses off. Well, once anyway.

Enter Green Hornet Tacos.

D2 was head chef this night, while D1 was the sous. We headed to Target with 36 children and fought the urge to open the Merlot right off the shelf. We decided on “gourmet” tacos; read: not hard shells made by El Paso, not ground beef seasoned by a packet and lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. Oh HELL no, we fancy.

Shit you’re gonna need:

• Tortillas. Now, we used corn tortillas because D1 can’t eat the flour ones. Your preference.
• A ready-made rotisserie chicken
• Garlic
• A bag of ready-to-use coleslaw vegetables. (cabbage and carrots were in it I think).
• Olive Oil
• Sliced up tomaties

For THE sauce:

•  2 avocados
• 4 oz of sour cream, the fattening shit.
•  ½ of a red onion
• ½ bunch of cilantro
• The juice of 2 limes
• The hair of a donkey’s balls. (just kiddin!)

Shit you’re gonna do:

THE Sauce:

No, that’s not me forgetting to turn off my caps-lock. This shit can only be categorized as “THE sauce” because it’s similar to being “THE man”, if it were human. This sauce will make you speak in tongues, it will make you feel funny in your undershorts, and it could be eaten out of a shoe and still be magnificent. (kind of like Nutella)

Open up your avocados and gut those bad boys into a bowl, and mash them up with a potato masher. If you don't have a potato masher you'll have to get creative. Like, use the back of a spoon. Chop your red onions into little pieces and throw them in there. Wash your cilantro, and chop that up too – throw in. Squeeze the lime juice into the bowl as well and mix in your sour cream. Easy huh? Now, here’s where you may be in a pickle. If you taste it, it will be very difficult to not open your nearest bag of tortilla chips and go down on this shit while you cook the other stuff. Resist the urge people. Taste to be sure it doesn't need anything, and then move on.

The Tacos:

Now, we took the easy way out and we bought an already made chicken. Wanna know why? Because we took 36 kids with us to Target for groceries, that’s why. We needed extra time to drink and plus, it was getting late and we were famished.

Pull all of the meat that you possibly can off of that cooked chicken and shred it up. Once you’re done, toss it in a pan with some garlic and olive oil to give it a different flavor than the one you brought it home with.  Set aside or stick in a warm oven to keep warm. Cover that shit up though, so it doesn't dry out.

In the same pan, add more olive oil and a little more garlic and throw the bag of coleslaw veggies in there. Sauté them up so they’re soft and slightly translucent. Remove from heat.

Dice up your tomatoes for garnish.

Now, you can do what I did and individually warm each tortilla in a frying pan with a little bit of olive oil, or you can stick them in your warm oven, or even in the microwave for 10 seconds. Your choice. I prefer them pan-heated, but that’s just me.

It’s almost chow time, keep your panties on.

We used 2 tortillas per taco, because then they can withstand the weight of the deliciousness that you’re about to load them with. If you use one, and pile all other stuff in there – you’ll be the one with a broken taco. NO ONE likes a broken taco, trust me on this one.

So, commence to loading.  Chicken first, then the cooked ‘slaw, then THE sauce, then some diced up maters. These fucking tacos will knock your socks off. Just THE sauce alone will and I’m fairly certain that it is the only reason that these tacos are so life-changing. You could forget all the other ingredients and just eat THE sauce out of your shoe and save yourself the trouble – up to you. 

Cheese Stick-Balls (gotta love a good stick and balls)

My friend, “L” and I were craving crescent rolls and cheese.  We wanted mother fucking cheese in an instant and had drank too much Chardonnay to even think about heading to the local pub for some nasty ass, over fried, greasy cheese sticks.   But boy did we ever try to convince someone to take us.  So, instead, we raided my fridge and found crescent rolls, VOILA!  Cheese sticks for my kids’ lunches, VOILA!  Garlic salt…pizza sauce for dipping…and mother fucking oregano.  JACKPOT! (btw, there are no pictures.  I wasn't sure how they were gonna turn out, but they came out amazing. Shoulda taken pictures.  Sorry 'bout that.)

Shit you’re gonna need: (even though I just gave you the run down of the ingredients, let’s break it down, shall we?)

1 tube of crescent rolls (aka, 8 triangles sent directly from heaven)

4 cheese sticks (yes, these were for my kids’ lunches, but I’m just THAT kind of mom)

garlic salt (you can’t live a full and productive life without this in your cabinet)

dried oregano in a jar (cuz I don’t buy the fresh stuff)

Pizza sauce (the kind in the jar that you pull out of the cabinet and realize the use by date is two weeks past, but you’ve had enough wine to say, “Fuck it. There’s preservatives in this shit.  We’ll be fine.”

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375, I believe.  I’ve since thrown away the package, so I’m not sure what the crescent roll package says, so please confirm with the tube you have, because my wacky ass is probably wrong.

While the oven is preheating, cut your cheese sticks in half.  That way, you’ll have the eight needed for the eight crescent triangles.  Spray a baking sheet with Kitchen KY (aka, non stick cooking spray, for you newbies out there) and set it aside. 

You’re gonna unroll each crescent triangle and then plop down one of the cut cheese sticks at the end of the fat part of the triangle.  Then, lay the corners of the fat part over the cheese stick and the roll that bitch up.  The goal is to make sure the cheese stick is completely covered so that none of that over processed, calcium goodness leaks out. 

Once you’ve gotten all eight of them rolled up, put them on your baking sheet, sprinkle with garlic salt and oregano, and then bake for about 14 minutes.  Again, please confirm the time with the tube of crescent rolls that you used.  Seriously.  I’m really bad at that shit and I don’t want your panties in a wad that I told you the wrong time.  And don’t be stupid.  Put a timer on.  If you don’t, that wine will most definitely help you forget when you actually put those little bastards in the oven.  Trust me.  I know.  I’ll look right at the fucking clock and go “Yep. 7:14pm.  I need to take them out of the oven at 7:27pm.”  And who the hell do you think forgot in .00035 seconds later.  This girl right here.

Now, once your little cheese stick-balls are done, please do not.  I repeat.  Do not put these directly into your pie hole.  The inside of these little fuckers is gonna be the same temperature as the fucking sun, so put down the rolls, walk away and go watch “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” on youtube.  After you’ve peed a little from watching that video eight times, feel free to pour off a side of that pizza sauce and dip these little bad boys in and chow the fuck down.  Not gonna lie.  We were waiting on two of our other girlfriends to get to my house to share these.  We had three each.  They only had one each.  Sucks when you’re late.  Lesson learned.

My Effing Rules for Men

While farting around on the world wide web, I came across an “expert” column that advised its readers on “Five Ways to Satisfy Your Woman”.  I thought, “Alright.  Let’s see whatcha got.” Good. Lord.  If you’re twelve and trying to get a date for the eighth grade dance, by all means, follow that advice.  But if you’re a grown up.  Like, a real grown up.  A grown up that can shoot tequila and still recite your times tables and the Preamble, then you’ll need a new set of rules.  My rules.  Follow along…but first…

Dear Women Readers,

If you read the below rules and think “OMG.  This is so crass and so wrong.  This is NOT the way I would want to be treated.”  Then let me tell you something.  Get off your unicorn, climb down the steps of the tower you’re waiting to be rescued from, and buy a thong.  This is the real world, baby.  Deal with it.

Now…

Their rule number one:  “Tell Her You Love Her”

My rule number one:  Bullllllllllllshit.  Rule number one and what will always BE number one is, “Learn How to Go Down on a Girl BEFORE you tell her you love her.”  Don’t get me wrong, every girl wants to hear “I love you.”; I get it.  I’m one of those girls.  But, before you get to that, you need to know how to take a good muff dive.  If you’re unsure of yourself, search the web, watch porn (like I have to even tell you to do that), practice on a peach, whatever.  Just get good at it.  And THEN, after 4,327 licks, you’ll get to the center of that tootsie roll pop.  And rest assured my friend, you’ll even get an “I love you” back. 

But AFTER you get your bob knobbed.  Just keepin’ it real, fellas.

Their rule number two:  “Listen to Her”

My rule number two:  “Listen to Her…bitch and moan.”  Yes.  I mean that.  Sometimes a girl just needs to vent.  But men?  You guys like to “fix it”.  We may not need you to fix anything.  We just need you to be that one thing in the room that’s converting oxygen to carbon dioxide and finish by saying, “Can I make you a drink?”  By the time she’s done bitching about who did what to her and “You’ll never believe what this bitch at work did!” she’ll be telling her friends the next day, “He’s SUCH a good listener.”  I’m not saying you have to retain everything she says here, you may just need to hit your record button.  Take in enough that you can recite a few lines back and you’re solid.  She’ll be all “Omg, baby, you totally understand me.” And BAM, you get laid.  It might be twenty minutes of her bitching for your two minutes in the bedroom, but that’s your problem, not hers and I’ll refer you back to rule number one.

Their rule number three:  “Compliment her”

My rule number three:  “Compliment her…on what a bad ass she is.”  Skip the “Those jeans look amazing on you.”  She won’t believe you anyways, so find a personality trait to compliment her on.  Be impressed by her accomplishments even if you don’t know what underwater basket weaving is.  That’s why Jesus invented smart phones.  Head to the first page of google and fill your head with important girl shit like, the exact rules for Bunco and the difference if between a Muscato and a Chardonnay.

Their rule number four:  “Don’t flirt!”

My rule number four: “Don’t flirt…with other people”  I’m sure that’s what they meant, but seriously, if you’re in public with your girl, FLIRT WITH HER.  A kiss on the neck is a little PDA, yes, but an extreme turn on.  A squeeze on the thigh under the table.  An ass grab while waiting for your table.  And if you’re really brave and you’ve been out a few times, I triple dog dare you to whisper in her ear, “I can’t wait to wake up with you in the morning.”  Whammo!

Their rule number five:  “Take Her Out More Often”  They also say this “…this is another way to satisfy your woman and make her happy. Take your woman out with you whenever you are going out with friends. Have fun with her. You can take her to nice restaurants and even shopping. You don’t necessarily need to spend – all she wants is for you to spend some quality time with her.”

My rule number five: “Don’t call her ‘woman’” and yes, “Take Her Out”, but honestly, knowing me and my girls, we love to dress up and go out every now and then, but boy do we like hanging out in yoga pants, opening a bottle of wine, cooking dinner with our guy, and watching a movie.  If you’re lucky, you won’t even get to see the whole movie. Hehe.  Seriously, if you dig this girl, you’ll love her in yoga pants.  If you don’t want this girl in sweat pants and no make up, then you don’t deserve her in lingerie or even a wedding dress.

God speed, lads.  God. Speed.

A kick in the taco pasta

Tacos are dramatic.  Are they not?  Seriously, all the shit you have to buy…the shells (and then you’re all “omg, do I get crispy or soft?”), the tomatoes, the lettuce, the cheese (which you should probably already have, but still…), sour cream, the meat, the onion, the taco seasoning, errrrrrgh.  And on top of that, taking the leftovers to work the next day is a crock of shit and fucking complicated.  So, I make a pasta dish out of it.  And not only do I shovel this into my pie hole, so do my kids.  Winning!

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground beef (if you have yet to reach puberty and your balls haven’t dropped yet, use ground turkey.  But if you’re a real man, or better yet, a woman, use red meat.  Don’t be a puss.)

Half a large onion, chopped (fucking hate chopping; I suck at it)

2 garlic cloves, minced (if I thought I hated chopping onions, I for damn sure hate chopping garlic.  I imagine it’s how Hagrid feels chopping a muggle size onion. You understand, yes?)

1 can of diced tomatoes, drained (Call me crazy, which most people do, I love opening these.  Only because it smells like a bloody mary when you open the can.  It also reminds me of the pickled asparagus the boyfriend’s dad makes for a good ‘ol hair of the dog. Nom, nom, nom.)

3 to 4 tablespoons of taco seasoning (I buy this by the canister because I use it a lot.  When I buy those little packets, or at least I thought I did, I get pissed when I’m all “Shit. I thought I had it.” And no.  I don’t make my own.  That’s like making pancake mix from scratch.  Why?  It’s already done.  Make things easy people. Save time for things like playing Yahtzee and watching Family Guy in the nude.

Cooked pasta with about ½ cup of the pasta water saved (I’m honestly not sure how much.  I’m about as good at measuring pasta as I am chopping onions.  Shit doesn’t work for me.  So, I make the whole box and just save what I don’t use.)

½ cup of sour cream (yeah boy!)

3 oz of cream cheese (there we go!)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Start by cooking your onions until they’re tender.  Add your garlic for like, a minute, so it doesn’t burn and then add your beef.  “Beef”, what a solid word.  It’s strong like, “ox”, “crowbar”, and “carburetor”.

Once that’s done cooking, I highly recommend you draining the fat off and rinsing it.  I understand you’re about to put cream cheese in, but it’s not necessarily the calories I’m talking about here; I’m talking about grease.  It just doesn’t make for easy stirring and even consistency.  I’m not looking out for your thighs here people, just your presentation.  Because I’m a good friend.

Put your meat back in the pan and set the temperature somewhere between low and medium.  Would that be medium low, or low medium?  Hmmm.  Then add your tomatoes, your taco seasoning, your pasta water, the cream cheese, and the sour cream.  Now stir until it’s all swirling around in a melody of epicurious love.  Add as much pasta as you want (I don’t add too much because honestly, I’d rather just slurp this shit straight from a straw, but hey, you do what you want.).  You could probably put fresh cilantro on it, but seriously, why?

Now, doesn’t this seem easier to take to work for lunch the next day?  I know.

I want a Krystal burger but it’s not 2am and I’m not shit faced drunk. But this will do.

Crescent Burgers (aka, Krystal and White Castle taste-a-likes)

Not to proud to admit this, but I’ve never eaten a Krystal burger sober.  I was, however completely sober by the time the “after effect” of those damned things hit me.  Greek mythology wasn’t the only thing I learned in college.  Hehe.

The original recipe for these made only half.  Why the hell would you make just “a little” of something that tastes so mother trucking good?  That’s like “Oh, that glass of wine that you just poured?  You can only have half”.  Stupid.  So, I like to live life on the edge; go out on a limb; put my big girl panties on and just go for it.  So, I doubled the recipe.  No regrets here, my fine people.  No. Regrets.  Had enough for me and my hot preschool teacher friend to stuff our pie hole and STILL enough to freeze for when I’m shit faced drunk at 2am.  But whatevs.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 cans of crescent rolls (just in case your application to MENSA was denied, that totals 16 crescent burgers)

1 pound of ground beef (I just found out that red meant isn’t good for you.  Bullshit.  That is complete and udder bullshit.  Don’t believe the haters.  And if you tell me that sex is bad for me too, well then, expect to get punched in the esophagus.)

1 large onion (you be needed lots of this to get that 2am taste)

‘bout 4 big splashes of worteshire sauce (I had no idea how to properly pronounce that word until I saw Shrek.  Anyone feel me on this one?)

2 big ass handfuls of shredded cheese (I think I used cheddar jack.  But sharp cheddar would be just as satisfactional.)

1 egg

1 tablespoon of water

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375 and then spray down a baking sheet with some kitchen KY.  The crescent rolls have enough butter in them to where they wouldn’t really stick, but just like an ex-girlfriend, let’s just be safe here.

Now, sauté your onion until it’s tender and then add your meat.  Cook that until it’s done and then I strongly suggest you rinse and drain this.  The grease, although fucking delicious, will NOT help you put these burgers together.  Let’s leave the grease to the professionals, aka, Krystals.  When you've rinsed and drained, add your handfuls of cheese and stir.

Here comes the part where I totally fuck up your mind by trying to explain how to make these.  After a few vodka tonics, I tried my best to take pictures that would qualify for Life magazine, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.  So, let’s just follow along with the pictures.  Brace yourself…


You’ll need to separate your triangles.  Then put about two tablespoons of the meat mixture on the fat end of your triangle.  Not sure how else to describe that.

Then take your skinny end, flop that shit over the meat so that the point goes over the fat end.  (Shit.  I’m so annoyed at myself at describing this.)

Now, take your fat ends and lay them on top so that their little ends touch or even overlap.

Then ever so gently, like the bosom of an angel, you’ll lift up your little patty and tuck the skinny end under it and then back over and lay it on your baking sheet.  Got that?  Good.  Repeat 15 more times.

Then you’ll need a hot ass preschool teacher like I have here to mix one beaten egg (we won’t joke about the things she likes to beat.  She’s a teacher for goodness sake!) and the tablespoon of water and mix with a  fork.  I couldn’t find a brush to “wash” these things with, so we poured it with a spoon and rubbed it in.  Rubbing works.  Always.

 Baked this schnizz for about 15 minutes until golden brown!  We had eight leftover, which I happily put in the freezer only to heat up two weeks later.  If you do that, just know that it worked.  Feel free to freeze the leftovers and when you’re drunk at 2am, pop these bad boys in the oven at 350 for about 15 minutes. 

Serve with mustard only.  You're an asshole if you use ketchup.  You're also an asshole if you spell it "catsup".  Only the dollar store brand spells it that way.

Fish in a bag, baby! ~submitted by Patty

(My own half-assed “recipe” for lack of a better term.  Calling it “throw some shit together and hope for the best” would also be a good term)

The first time I had this was at an over-priced and overly-decorated (yah mon) restaurant, and I fell in complete lust with it, and proceeded to jones for it for months.  Turns out that the restaurant doesn’t even make it anymore, so I had to figure that shit out for myself. 

A couple of nice things about making it at home are a) eating in my PJ’s (or Bra and Panties* when the kids are at their Dad’s), and b) finishing off the rest of the bottle that didn’t go in the recipe. 

*Note – Never EVER cook nude.  Bad things happen.

Shit you’re gonna need –

Couple of Filets of Fish (one per person – or more, I suppose, if you’re hungry)

A Lemon

Clove of Garlic

Olive Oil

Fresh Dill

White Wine (dryer the better)

Salt and Pepper

Parchment Paper (Not waxed – No “essence of crayola” here, ew)

Shit you’re gonna do

Set your oven to 350.  While it’s getting hot, bust out your favorite zesting tool. I use a Microplane grater, but maybe you’re lucky enough to have a fancy-pants Zester.  Strip the whole lemon (insert your favorite porn music here), and set the poor naked fruit aside.  Take your clove of garlic and slice it up really thin.  If you really like garlic, please feel free to use more than one clove.  Snag a couple sprigs of the fresh dill and strip off the leaves(?).  Note how careful I am with my measurements.

Get out a regular sized baking sheet (one with raised sides preferably, to catch any leakage) and pull a large enough sheet of parchment to fold in half and still fit the width of the pan. Lube up one half of the paper with the Olive Oil (doesn’t have to be extra virgin or anything. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be olive oil, I guess…just lube it up with something.)  Take your sliced Garlic and lay it out in the oil.

Fish time!!!  I used Tilapia for this because, well…Lots of reasons really.  First…shit’s cheap.  Second, screw Tuna being chicken of the sea – Tuna is always gonna taste like Tuna, Tilapia is going to taste like whatever you cook it in, just like chicken. I say the “Chicken of the Sea” Crown should go to Tilapia! Regimental overthrow!!!!!  But honestly, you can pretty much use any fish you want.  The Rasta Restaurant used Mahi-Mahi which is also delicious, nice and firm and meaty (just the way I like it, yeah), but it’s also more expensive. 

Anyway, fish…yes, let’s get back to the fish.  Salt and pepper one side, and then lay it on the parchment, overlapping is fine, but I’d stick the skinny sides on top of each other so it cooks evenly. Make sure that you leave a good amount of paper on the loose sides; you’re gonna need it.

Time to dress the fish!  Take your lemon zest and your dill and sprinkle them as evenly as you can over the filets. Next, roll your discarded (and probably needy) lemon on the counter a couple of times to soften it up, cut it in half, and squeeze it right over the fish (if you squeeze it cut side up – no seeds).  Then take your $10.99 bottle of Chardonnay, pour yourself a glass, and then pour a little of it over your fish, too.

Now for the hard part. As carefully as you can, fold up the sides of the parchment making it into a sealed “bag.”  Start with one side and kind of make little crimping folds all the way around until it’s completely closed.  Make sure that there aren’t any gaps for the steam to escape while it’s cooking.  If you happen to have a stapler at home, staple that bitch shut. 

Stick the pan in the oven and bake it for about 20 minutes.

Open it carefully, because it’s gonna be steamy. Serve it with whatever you wanna serve it with.  I had mine with Brown Rice (cooked in vegetable broth and recaito) and Green Beans.

Now, this is how I made it…this time.  The time before this, I used a couple of different herbs.  You could throw some vegetables in the bag too if you want; tomatoes, zucchini, or asparagus maybe.  Whatever Creams your Twinkie. Proceed to drink the rest of the bottle of wine.  You can even share the bottle if you like.  I, however, did not.