I want a Krystal burger but it’s not 2am and I’m not shit faced drunk. But this will do.

Crescent Burgers (aka, Krystal and White Castle taste-a-likes)

Not to proud to admit this, but I’ve never eaten a Krystal burger sober.  I was, however completely sober by the time the “after effect” of those damned things hit me.  Greek mythology wasn’t the only thing I learned in college.  Hehe.

The original recipe for these made only half.  Why the hell would you make just “a little” of something that tastes so mother trucking good?  That’s like “Oh, that glass of wine that you just poured?  You can only have half”.  Stupid.  So, I like to live life on the edge; go out on a limb; put my big girl panties on and just go for it.  So, I doubled the recipe.  No regrets here, my fine people.  No. Regrets.  Had enough for me and my hot preschool teacher friend to stuff our pie hole and STILL enough to freeze for when I’m shit faced drunk at 2am.  But whatevs.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 cans of crescent rolls (just in case your application to MENSA was denied, that totals 16 crescent burgers)

1 pound of ground beef (I just found out that red meant isn’t good for you.  Bullshit.  That is complete and udder bullshit.  Don’t believe the haters.  And if you tell me that sex is bad for me too, well then, expect to get punched in the esophagus.)

1 large onion (you be needed lots of this to get that 2am taste)

‘bout 4 big splashes of worteshire sauce (I had no idea how to properly pronounce that word until I saw Shrek.  Anyone feel me on this one?)

2 big ass handfuls of shredded cheese (I think I used cheddar jack.  But sharp cheddar would be just as satisfactional.)

1 egg

1 tablespoon of water

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 375 and then spray down a baking sheet with some kitchen KY.  The crescent rolls have enough butter in them to where they wouldn’t really stick, but just like an ex-girlfriend, let’s just be safe here.

Now, sauté your onion until it’s tender and then add your meat.  Cook that until it’s done and then I strongly suggest you rinse and drain this.  The grease, although fucking delicious, will NOT help you put these burgers together.  Let’s leave the grease to the professionals, aka, Krystals.  When you've rinsed and drained, add your handfuls of cheese and stir.

Here comes the part where I totally fuck up your mind by trying to explain how to make these.  After a few vodka tonics, I tried my best to take pictures that would qualify for Life magazine, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.  So, let’s just follow along with the pictures.  Brace yourself…


You’ll need to separate your triangles.  Then put about two tablespoons of the meat mixture on the fat end of your triangle.  Not sure how else to describe that.

Then take your skinny end, flop that shit over the meat so that the point goes over the fat end.  (Shit.  I’m so annoyed at myself at describing this.)

Now, take your fat ends and lay them on top so that their little ends touch or even overlap.

Then ever so gently, like the bosom of an angel, you’ll lift up your little patty and tuck the skinny end under it and then back over and lay it on your baking sheet.  Got that?  Good.  Repeat 15 more times.

Then you’ll need a hot ass preschool teacher like I have here to mix one beaten egg (we won’t joke about the things she likes to beat.  She’s a teacher for goodness sake!) and the tablespoon of water and mix with a  fork.  I couldn’t find a brush to “wash” these things with, so we poured it with a spoon and rubbed it in.  Rubbing works.  Always.

 Baked this schnizz for about 15 minutes until golden brown!  We had eight leftover, which I happily put in the freezer only to heat up two weeks later.  If you do that, just know that it worked.  Feel free to freeze the leftovers and when you’re drunk at 2am, pop these bad boys in the oven at 350 for about 15 minutes. 

Serve with mustard only.  You're an asshole if you use ketchup.  You're also an asshole if you spell it "catsup".  Only the dollar store brand spells it that way.