Saturday, July 28, 2012

A kick in the taco pasta

Tacos are dramatic.  Are they not?  Seriously, all the shit you have to buy…the shells (and then you’re all “omg, do I get crispy or soft?”), the tomatoes, the lettuce, the cheese (which you should probably already have, but still…), sour cream, the meat, the onion, the taco seasoning, errrrrrgh.  And on top of that, taking the leftovers to work the next day is a crock of shit and fucking complicated.  So, I make a pasta dish out of it.  And not only do I shovel this into my pie hole, so do my kids.  Winning!

Shit you’re gonna need:
1 pound of ground beef (if you have yet to reach puberty and your balls haven’t dropped yet, use ground turkey.  But if you’re a real man, or better yet, a woman, use red meat.  Don’t be a puss.)
Half a large onion, chopped (fucking hate chopping; I suck at it)
2 garlic cloves, minced (if I thought I hated chopping onions, I for damn sure hate chopping garlic.  I imagine it’s how Hagrid feels chopping a muggle size onion. You understand, yes?)
1 can of diced tomatoes, drained (Call me crazy, which most people do, I love opening these.  Only because it smells like a bloody mary when you open the can.  It also reminds me of the pickled asparagus the boyfriend’s dad makes for a good ‘ol hair of the dog. Nom, nom, nom.)
3 to 4 tablespoons of taco seasoning (I buy this by the canister because I use it a lot.  When I buy those little packets, or at least I thought I did, I get pissed when I’m all “Shit. I thought I had it.” And no.  I don’t make my own.  That’s like making pancake mix from scratch.  Why?  It’s already done.  Make things easy people. Save time for things like playing Yahtzee and watching Family Guy in the nude.
Cooked pasta with about ½ cup of the pasta water saved (I’m honestly not sure how much.  I’m about as good at measuring pasta as I am chopping onions.  Shit doesn’t work for me.  So, I make the whole box and just save what I don’t use.)
½ cup of sour cream (yeah boy!)
3 oz of cream cheese (there we go!)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Start by cooking your onions until they’re tender.  Add your garlic for like, a minute, so it doesn’t burn and then add your beef.  “Beef”, what a solid word.  It’s strong like, “ox”, “crowbar”, and “carburetor”.

Once that’s done cooking, I highly recommend you draining the fat off and rinsing it.  I understand you’re about to put cream cheese in, but it’s not necessarily the calories I’m talking about here; I’m talking about grease.  It just doesn’t make for easy stirring and even consistency.  I’m not looking out for your thighs here people, just your presentation.  Because I’m a good friend.

Put your meat back in the pan and set the temperature somewhere between low and medium.  Would that be medium low, or low medium?  Hmmm.  Then add your tomatoes, your taco seasoning, your pasta water, the cream cheese, and the sour cream.  Now stir until it’s all swirling around in a melody of epicurious love.  Add as much pasta as you want (I don’t add too much because honestly, I’d rather just slurp this shit straight from a straw, but hey, you do what you want.).  You could probably put fresh cilantro on it, but seriously, why?

Now, doesn’t this seem easier to take to work for lunch the next day?  I know.

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