Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Cream Pie. Banana that is...

Now this shit isn’t for the weak. I mean, it’s not the quickest most efficient shit to make. But as sure as I am that Mel Gibson is fucking crazy, I assure you the work is worth it. Seriously, Braveheart is fucking whack.

Shit you’re gonna need:


1 ¼ cups of crushed vanilla wafers (It’s about 3 cups before you pound this shit into crumbs)

5 tbsp. of melted butter

3 tbsp. of sugar

Custardy Creamy Shit:

¼ cup of cold water (just get that shit straight from the spout in your fridge. Which btw, is freaking genius and I think it’s overlooked a lot as an award winning invention, but I think it’s bad ass)

1 pack of unflavored gelatin (Alright, this is that Knox shit on the bottom shelf in the pudding aisle. Don’t shit yourself when you see that it’s $1.50 a pack – it’s got 4 packs in it. Break that shit down to pennies and you’ve got a hell of a deal)

2 cups of milk (Use whole milk here. Don’t use your pansy skim blue looking shit for this. You’re making a fucking pie, it’s not like calories matter here.)

4 large egg yolks (When separating these boogers, do it over a Tupperware container so that you can put a lid on those whites and make eggs in the morning with ‘em. You’re welcome.)

½ cup sugar

¼ cup of cornstarch

¼ teaspoon of salt (regular shit here)

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (Need I tell you again to buy the real shit?)

3 bananas sliced (I like mine a smidge ripe. With some brown dots on those bastards. They’re sweeter that way)

Whipped Cream:

That’s right mother fuckers…we’re making this shit from scratch. Screw the store bought stuff.

1 cup of heavy cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 tablespoon of sugar

Shit you’re gonna do:

Alright, let’s break this down so you don’t shit yourself. Let’s start with the crust…

Preheat your oven to 350. Mix your cookie crumbs, butter and sugar together. Pat that shit into a pie tin and bake for about 7 minutes. Here’s a little added extra that I did…after it bakes for about 5 minutes, I sprinkle about 1/4 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips on the bottom of the crust, stick it back in the oven for the next two minutes and then spread that shit around when it’s melted. That way, when someone cuts into this shit, they’re like “Oh shit…is that chocolate – hell yeah!”

Now for the custard…this is where you might be all like “what the fuck…” it takes a lot of shit to put this together, but I promise you – it’s well worth it. I’ll number it to make it look a little easier. It’s a little juvenile, but then again, so is high school (name that movie).

  1. Sprinkle your gelatin over your water and let it sit until you’re ready for it.
  2. Warm your milk in a saucepan – not boiling, just warm the shit up. Hot enough that when you touch it you’re all “shit, that’s hot.” Then you know it’s done. Now, take it off the burner.
  3. Whisk together your eggs and sugar until it looks sort of pale yellowish.
  4. Now, if you’re using a whisk attachment on a mixer, change it to a stirring one – you don’t want the eggs to get all foamy and shit. Now, add your cornstarch and salt and beat that shit until it’s smooth.
  5. Add your milk now one cup at a time.
  6. Add your gelatin and mix it good.
  7. Return this mixture to your saucepan and heat until it’s thick. The thicker the better I always say. It can never be too thick. (ha!) It’ll take about eight minutes
  8. Now, remove it from the heat and stir in your vanilla.

Btw, while your sauce is thickening, go ahead and slice your bananas so you’re not all “um, stupid bitch didn’t tell me to slice the bananas while I was waiting for this shit to thicken. That would’ve saved me 5 minutes”. See? I’m thinking ahead for you!


Layer ½ of your bananas, ½ the custard and repeat once more until the shit is gone. Cover this bad boy and stick it in the fridge for like, four hours. Once it’s chilled, we'll move on to our 295th step…

The Whipped Cream:

I’m sorry, but homemade whipped cream is way better than that shit from a tub. Although I know some of you use that tub as Tupperware because you’re cheap. But whatever…

So, the little “trick” that I use for this is that the bowl that I’m whipping this shit in gets put in the fridge about 30 minutes before I’m ready to make it. It keeps the temperature from getting too warm with the beaters or some shit. But pour in your cream, turn that whisk on high and let it beat like…well…you know. Once it’s going, add your sugar, then wait about 34 more seconds and add your vanilla. Wait until soft peaks form, spread it over your pie and holy shit…you’re finally fucking done.

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