Mother-truckin’ Turkey Burgers

Ok, so I’ll start this recipe off by telling you a few things.

1. This will be one of the best things you put in your mouth since Spring Break in Cancun circa 1994.
2. This burger has vegetables in it, if you don’t like vegetables you’ve got to think about growing up. Or, if you don’t like vegetables, don’t email me all like, “dang D2 – what about a turkey burger with NO veggies.” I’ll just tell you to run to your local grocery store and pick up the ready-made ones.
3. This burger is low cal and doesn’t contain eggs or breadcrumbs. I promise you that its fucking delicious… but it doesn’t have the ingredients in it that you think belong in a burger, it just doesn’t so don’t ask me where the ‘crumbs are. They’re in the pantry while we’re watching our carbs, k?
4. I’ve been dieting on and off since I was 4. I know a thing or two about how to GET down with some fattening ass food (how I got to be a fat ass) and I also know a thing or two on how to lose weight effectively. D2 note to self: don’t eat everything in sight and then sit in front of the TV or your size 18s will start to give you camel toe.
5. I’ve lost 60 lbs over the last year. HOLLA!

Shit you’re gonna need:
· 1 lb of lean ground turkey meat. I believe this shit only comes 93/7, but get whichever ya like.
· 3 or 4 celery stalks, cleaned and the ends chopped off.
· ½ of a large red onion
· Salt and peppa, but not Spindarella.
Yup, that’s it.


Shit you’re gonna do:
Make sure your turkey meat is fully defrosted. I *hate* it when the middle is still frozen, fucks the whole process up, wouldn’t you agree? Take your celery and your red onion and get to choppin’. I like mine in small pieces and I have a wittle machine that does this for me, it’s all kinds of awesome. If you just have a knife, that shit’ll work too. Chop to your desired size. Like I said, I like ‘em small. This will likely be the only time you’ll hear me say THAT. Snort.

Once everything is all chopped up, throw that shit into a mixing bowl with the turkey meat and some salt and pepper. I pinch out some sea salt and grind in some pepper from a pepper grinder so I can’t tell you measurements. But you guys are smart, you can do it I just know it.

Then take off your rings and get your hands dirty, get in there and mix ALL this shit up. Once its thoroughly blended, make you some patties. Preheat your frying pan or indoor grill or shit, even your BBQ, grease it up with some kitchen KY and grill these little bad boys. The vegetables will cook along with the meat. Let them grill on each side for like 10-15 minutes. Keep an eye on them and flatten with your spatula and make sure that clear liquids don’t run out. Are you surprised that they stayed together with no egg or breadcrumbs? Me too.

Now, you can eat this like I do these days… just like it is with a side of green beans or some other veggies. If you’re skinny or don’t mind the calories… slap this little bitch in between a potato bread hamburger bun. Yummmmmmmmm. You could put some mayo on it, or ketchup, some lettuce, whatever it is that you eat with a burger. Get crazy with the cheese whiz people.

And voila! A healthy turkey burger that is sock-knocking and panty-dropping. I know it sounds weird, but if you try it I SWEAR you’ll agree. Its surprisingly, ridiculously delicious beyond words.

Fake N Bake Brownies

This is by far the easiest fucking dessert to make. When I didn't know how to cook...wait, let me rephrase that...when I was too lazy to learn to cook, I used THIS to fake it. Girls are good at faking things.

Shit you're gonna need:

Your favorite boxed brownie mix (Sure. Use the homemade one where you have to double boil the chocolate and sift the flour. Won't make you a better person. Just a stupid one for taking all the time to do that shit when Betty Crocker did it for you.)

1 big ass bar of Hershey's Symphony Chocolate (The picture below portrays the almond toffee version. I normally use the milk chocolate version. They didn't have my usual and this almond shit was on clearance for $1.5o. And this shit ain't cheap. I think it's normally about $2.99 each. But I assure you that it's worth every fucking penny you spend.)

The ingredients you need to make the brownie mix (oil, eggs, blah blah blah)

This chocolate is like angels landed on your tongue and poured this deliciousness down your throat. It's THAT heavenly. And yes, another symphony of angels plays while you're devouring it so maybe that's why the marketing department chose that name. But that's just a guess.

You'll also need a square pan to cook this in. This is an 8x8 or a 9x9. I have no idea. The mistake pampered chef made on their shit is that they don't put the fucking size on the bottom like Pyrex does. Damn them.
Holy shit...yum.
Shit you're gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. I'm assuming that's what it says on the box. Then stir your brownie mix ingredients together. The thing about brownie mix is that you don't need to stir the hell out of it. Just stir until your ingredients are combined. You get all american gladiator on this shit with stirring and your brownies are gonna come out all rubbery. (Learned that shit from Alton Brown. Holla!)

After your mix is...well, mixed. Put it in your pan that's been sprayed with Kitchen KY and then spread your brownie drama around.

Now, open up your chocolate bar. You'll see that it has 16 little pieces. Play your cards right and line that shit up like the picture below and you can celebrate with that last little piece. Because my little loves, you only need 15. Totally planned it that way. I always tell the hubs I don't have any leftover. That's not a lie. Because after I eat that last piece, there isn't any leftover.

Bake it for the appropriate time on the box and then my little peeps, stick your tongue way out and lick the top of that pan and tell everyone you did that so nobody else will touch this shit. Enjoy.

Before baking...

After baking...voila.

Copy Cat

Alright. I’ll admit it. I have an addiction that only Lindsay Lohan and Liza Minnelli can relate to. It’s Chipotle. I get a hiney tingle and my jaw locks into a smile that can only compete with a 16 year old boy that just lost his virginity. You promise me Chipotle and I’ll pretty much do anything. True story.

Cilantro and Lime Rice – Chipotle style

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 cup of basmati rice (You could probably use cheap ass rice like I normally do, but live on the edge people.)

1 tbs. of Goya’s Cilantro cooking base (“Wait. What? You mean you’re not using fresh cilantro.” “No. No I’m not. I don’t buy fresh herbs, because this shit lasts forever. AND my ‘other’ dad, who happens to be D2’s dad, Coco, would be extremely proud that I used this. So there.”)

3 tbs of lime juice (Yes, I used the bottled shit. Why? Because all the fresh limes I had were used in my vodka. Deal with it.)

Salt (you’re gonna need a shit load. True story.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

This isn’t hard people. It’s really not. If I can’t fuck this up; neither will you. So, you boil the rice just as it tells you on the package. Bring salted water to a boil, add the rice and then turn it on low for 17-22 minutes. Fluff it up with a fork and then add your cilantro base and your lime juice and fluff again. Now, taste it. You’re gonna open your pie hole, shovel this in and say “Shit needs salt.” Exactly. This is where you’re gonna need to salt the hell out of it. I don’t wanna tell you how much because it’s your arteries, your preference. Once it’s stirred up, I want you to sit back and pretend that you didn’t have to stand in some long ass line at Chipotle. If you want to be a fucking rockstar, feel free to add more cilantro base or even some fresh cilantro to it. Again, my fridge is stocked with fucking squeezy yogurts, juice boxes and wine. I don’t have room for fresh herbs. Let me know if any of you use the cheap ass five minute boil rice. I’m curious. Not like Andy Dick curious…those were my college days, just sayin’.

Easter Egg Nests (a recipe brought to you by D2)

Yup, that’s right --- I’m gonna teach you how to make wittle nests that can be a part of your Easter dinner. Your little sweethearts will just gobble this shit up. And if they don’t, you can hide in the coat closet when your family comes over on Sunday and shove a bunch into your gullet while no one’s watching. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. What’s better than Rice Krispies treats made with chocolate? Topping them with mini-eggs made by Cadbury is what. Can I get a hell yea?

Shit you’re gonna need:

• 3 cups Rice Krispies (you can get the generic shit –ok with me)


• 1 cup good quality semisweet chocolate chips (as in like Ghirardelli, now’s not the time to be a cheap fucker)


• 3 tablespoons butter (oh hell yea)


• 2 tablespoons golden syrup


• A big bag of Cadbury Mini-eggs (get the big bag because if you’re like me, you’ll eat half that fucking bag before they ever make it onto the nests themselves)
  

Shit you’re gonna do:

Dump the Rice Krispies into a bowl and set it aside. Fight the urge to snap, crackle, pop those mothers. Put the chocolate chips into a saucepan with the butter and syrup and melt over a low/medium heat. Don’t burn this shit, ok? And be patient – because the temp is so low, it might take a little while. My advice? Pour yourself a glass of wine and hide in the kitchen claiming to be baking up a storm. Your husband and kids will never know. Tell them it’s a huge Easter surprise to keep them out of the kitchen. Now you can squeeze in an extra glass or two. You’re welcome bitches.

Once that shit is melted, fold it into the bowl of Rice Krispies that you have waiting for you on the counter. You can still do this is you’re tipsy, don’t worry. It’s ok to pinch off a bite and taste it – delish huh? Once it’s all mixed up, spoon the mixture onto a cookie sheet that is lined with Wax paper. Make sure to create a little dip in the middle. You can do it, I know it!

Now take your Cadbury eggs, and put a few in the center of the “nest” --- how many you put depends on a) how big your nests are and b) how many you have left. I’m a fat ass, so I usually put 3 per nest and eat the rest of the bag. Now once you’ve made all your little nests with eggs, throw those fuckers in the fridge overnight to chill. The night is still young, so stick the kids in bed and take advantage of your buzz. And by take advantage, I mean, let your husband take advantage of you.

When its time to remove your Easter egg nests, peel them away from the wax paper with care! Serve them chilled and enjoy!

ps - the picture above is stolen from the internets - let's not kid ourselves people. I don't own and fucking serving plates that look like that.

Mega fucking easy chicken parmesean

Hubs gave up carbs which means my ass has to come up with shit that doesn’t include King’s Hawaiian Rolls. Aren’t those little mother fuckers heaven?

So, I came up with this…well, I probably didn’t come up with it, but in MY head I did. Just go with me on this one.

Have you seen these? (disclaimer: I’m not being paid by that dork on the perdue commercials to promote these. I say “dork” but that bastard is one rich mother fucker, right?!)

They’re expensive as hell so I always walk right past them. BUT my little loves, I had a coupon. Plopped that shit right in the cart and didn’t think twice. Best part? There was another coupon on the actual bag! Holla!!!! It took off $4. What the what?? Get in my belly!

These breasts you can literally put in the oven frozen. Here’s why that’s good news to me: because I’m the type of person that will leave chicken in the fridge, getting really fucking lazy, forget about them and head to Chick-fil-a. Shit ends up right in the garbage. Errrrrrrgh. SO, without having to thaw anything, I’m as golden as Betty White circa 1987.

Shit you’re gonna need:

4 of those frozen chicken breasts (mind you, the little shits are hard to get open. Brace yourself and don’t give up.)

One sliced tomato (you won’t use the whole thing, so throw the rest on a fucking turkey sandwich tomorrow and do the happy dance until the girl in the cubicle next to you calls HR on your crazy ass.)

2 cups of mozzarella cheese (You might not use two cups, but then again, you might. I’m cautioning on the side of error. Is that how you say that weird as saying? I don’t really give a shit.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

I wanna say that the bag says cook them at 375. But I could be wrong. Double check and get back to me on that one. Lay your chicken on a baking sheet that’s been sprayed with Kitchen KY and cook these little fuckers for about 20 minutes. When they’re done, take them out, throw on a few slices of tomato and then pile on the mozzarella. Put ‘em back in for about 6-7 and whammo. Dinner’s done. And I assure you, these little shits are as moist as a homeless mans’ armpit in July. Yeah, I went there.

Smoked Fatty

I think I promised you this recipe about 32 years ago, so here goes…

Hubs made this for an annual kick ass superbowl party hosted by some of our closest friends. People in Montana know about it, President Obama was invited and when we turned away Robert Downey Jr. you know it’s a good time that’ll give you a hiney tingle. It’s a party where you pretty much hydrate yourself the morning before because you know your drunk ass will regret that 14^th jello shot. Trust me. I speak from experience.

This smoked fatty is cooked in our smoker. Duh. But there’s ways to do it on the grill. I’m not familiar with those ways because I have no fucking clue how to work the grill, nor do I ever want to know how. I’d like to keep my eyebrows thank you very much. I also scream like a girl when a flame shoots up. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground sausage (Those jimmy dean blunt rolls. Round, stocky and firm. Kind of like the hubs.)

1 lb. of thick cut bacon (again, kind of like the hubs. But don’t get that thin slimy shit that falls apart. Hubs sent me out two different times to get EXACTLY what he wanted. But here’s what I don’t understand. He goes to the store and buys me the wrong kind of fabric softener and he says ‘deal with it’. How fucking fair is that? Sorry, I’m a stuck up snot ass about fabric softener. I’m also kind of a bitch about where the sponge goes after washing dishes. Being married to me is no picnic.)

Rib rub (Any kind of pork dry rub will do. He uses some shit in a jar that’s premixed. I’m sure you can make your own, but why take the time people, I’d rather use that time to slice cucumbers for my vodka tonic. Yes, I said cucumbers. Try it.)

5 slices of pepper jack cheese (yes, exactly five. Just go with the hubs on this one. He’s freaking type A. He’s a perfectionist, which I take as a compliment because I’m perfect and he picked me.)

Half of a red pepper (chop that shit up baby)

Half of a green pepper (again, chop that shit up baby. And put the left over shit in a frittata or something. You can also freeze it to deal with later.)

¼ of a chopped large yellow onion (again, put it in a frittata or freeze it.)

1 jalapeño seeded and chopped (if you wear contacts or you appreciate the gift of sight, do not touch your face or put your grubby fingers anywhere near your eyes until you wash your hands after this method. It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve burned the fuck out of my eyeballs.)

Other bullshit you’ll need:

1 large gallon Ziploc bag

Long ass strip of waxed paper

Fucking enormous cutting board

Rolling Pin

Shit you’re gonna do:

Hubs made his fatty the night before and then in the morning he dealt with all the bullshit of actually heating up the smoker and putting the chips in it. If you’re familiar with using a smoker…good for you. I’m not. This is a recipe for the actual meat, not a lesson on using a smoker. Hubs wants to give credit to the site he learned this from. It will help you more than my drunk ass with making the bacon weave and any tips for a dry rub and any other bullshit I can’t explain. http://www.smoking-meat.com/january-2010-bacon-wrapped-stuffed-sausage-fatty.html I need to point out that this website is named “smoking meat” and I can’t help but think of porn movie title. I’m so fucking immature.

First, make your bacon weave. Sweet mother hubbard, that shit is hard to explain, so please, again, go on the website I mentioned above and see the detailed explanation of how it’s done. One vodka tonic too many tonight…sorry folks. Once you make this, put it aside and hold on to the new panties you got at Fredricks.

Next, put your sausage in your Ziploc bag, lay it on your big ass strip of wax paper and take a rolling pin to roll it out. This to me is fucking brilliant. I’m using this method the next time I make homemade pizza dough or anything else square that I need to roll out. Again, brilliant…I’m still shocked that a man came up with that idea. Or, I mean, it could’ve been his wife, but he didn’t give her credit for it. Shocker. If you get an air pocket, just open a little of the bag to let the air out. Cut the bag off once you’re done and add your fillings which are the slices of cheese, the peppers and onions and your jalapeño. Make sure you put your fillings on the bottom half of the sausage so all that shit doesn’t fall out every where. And so you can’t say “I wish you would’ve told me that.” I did. So there.

Roll up your sausage like a tight doobie. You’ll need to pinch the edges or you’ll get a blowout or a queef, whichever definition your dirty ass mind prefers then place it on your bacon weave and then again, roll it up. Now put this in your smoker until it reaches 165 or about 2-3 hours. And once your fatty is done, broil it at 500 degrees until the bacon is a little crispy. Watch that shit like a hawk or it’ll burn quicker than you can say “Charlie Sheen is a total fuck up.” (too soon?)

Let the meat rest for about 10 minutes, slice that shit up and wait for marriage proposals from women you just met. Or at least that’s what happened to the hubs. “Back off bitch, he does laundry and he’s taken.” Yeah. I said it.

Arti-Choke Her Out Dip (D2)

So I’m a big fan of that spinach and artichoke dip that you can get at most fine eating establishments, even the one that you can get at a cheap ass restaurant for $3.99. I ain’t picky when it comes to cheesy goodness that you can stick on a fucking tortilla chip. So I came up with my own version, sans the spinach because I just can’t get that shit right and it ends up kinda weird. Don’t worry, this dip won’t disappoint. And if you’re serving it in the right place, you’ll have some drunk guy follow you around all night telling you that your dip makes his penis tingle. Happened to me, no shit.

Shit you’re gonna need:

• 1 cup of parmesan cheese (the cheap shit is what you need)


• 1 cup of very fattening mayonnaise (don’t get no fat free shit, k?)


• 1 cup of very fattening sour cream (let’s get serious, sour cream is meant to be fattening. Don’t get that “part-skim”, or “low-calorie” bullshit. Man up)


• 1 can of artichokes in water (not just the hearts either)

Shit you’re gonna do:
Shit you’re gonna do: First heat your oven up to like 350 degrees. I can’t tell you how many fucking times I’ve thrown all my shit together and the goddamn oven is cold. Shit pisses me off.

Take the artichokes out of the can and choke those bitches out. Get out some anger on these fuckers because you know you can’t really choke your kids now matter how much they annoy you. Or your husband for asking what you did all day since dinner isn’t ready at 6:30pm. Let those artichokes pay, they won’t mind. Make sure your artichokes basically have no liquid left in them or you’ll regret it, trust me.

When you’re done doing that, rip those little fuckers to shreds. I know this dip seems angry, but it will have a happy ending (hardy har har). Upon ripping, stick them in a mixing bowl of some kind. Now, measure out a cup of each of the remaining ingredients and mix all that shit together. Look nasty and weird? Good, now carry on.

Get a pan of some kind that will fit this concoction, something similar to what you’d cook some brownies in will do. If you’re headed to a party, you could use one of those aluminum disposable thingys so you can leave that bitch there when you sneak out because you realize you don’t like all those weirdos as much anymore.

Spray it with some kitchen KY just in case, dump the mixture in, and throw that shit in the pre-heated (yes!) oven and let that shit bake for like 15-20 minutes. Keep your eye on that fucker and take it out when it’s nice and brown and Michael Buble’ on the top. Don’t overcook or you’ll be the dick who overcooked the artichoke dip.

Serve with tortilla chips, crackers, pita chips, your goddamn fingers for all I care. And enjoy!