Sunday, March 27, 2011

Smoked Fatty

I think I promised you this recipe about 32 years ago, so here goes…

Hubs made this for an annual kick ass superbowl party hosted by some of our closest friends. People in Montana know about it, President Obama was invited and when we turned away Robert Downey Jr. you know it’s a good time that’ll give you a hiney tingle. It’s a party where you pretty much hydrate yourself the morning before because you know your drunk ass will regret that 14th jello shot. Trust me. I speak from experience.

This smoked fatty is cooked in our smoker. Duh. But there’s ways to do it on the grill. I’m not familiar with those ways because I have no fucking clue how to work the grill, nor do I ever want to know how. I’d like to keep my eyebrows thank you very much. I also scream like a girl when a flame shoots up. But anyhoo…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 pound of ground sausage (Those jimmy dean blunt rolls. Round, stocky and firm. Kind of like the hubs.)

1 lb. of thick cut bacon (again, kind of like the hubs. But don’t get that thin slimy shit that falls apart. Hubs sent me out two different times to get EXACTLY what he wanted. But here’s what I don’t understand. He goes to the store and buys me the wrong kind of fabric softener and he says ‘deal with it’. How fucking fair is that? Sorry, I’m a stuck up snot ass about fabric softener. I’m also kind of a bitch about where the sponge goes after washing dishes. Being married to me is no picnic.)

Rib rub (Any kind of pork dry rub will do. He uses some shit in a jar that’s premixed. I’m sure you can make your own, but why take the time people, I’d rather use that time to slice cucumbers for my vodka tonic. Yes, I said cucumbers. Try it.)

5 slices of pepper jack cheese (yes, exactly five. Just go with the hubs on this one. He’s freaking type A. He’s a perfectionist, which I take as a compliment because I’m perfect and he picked me.)

Half of a red pepper (chop that shit up baby)

Half of a green pepper (again, chop that shit up baby. And put the left over shit in a frittata or something. You can also freeze it to deal with later.)

¼ of a chopped large yellow onion (again, put it in a frittata or freeze it.)

1 jalapeño seeded and chopped (if you wear contacts or you appreciate the gift of sight, do not touch your face or put your grubby fingers anywhere near your eyes until you wash your hands after this method. It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve burned the fuck out of my eyeballs.)

Other bullshit you’ll need:

1 large gallon Ziploc bag

Long ass strip of waxed paper

Fucking enormous cutting board

Rolling Pin

Shit you’re gonna do:

Hubs made his fatty the night before and then in the morning he dealt with all the bullshit of actually heating up the smoker and putting the chips in it. If you’re familiar with using a smoker…good for you. I’m not. This is a recipe for the actual meat, not a lesson on using a smoker. Hubs wants to give credit to the site he learned this from. It will help you more than my drunk ass with making the bacon weave and any tips for a dry rub and any other bullshit I can’t explain. I need to point out that this website is named “smoking meat” and I can’t help but think of porn movie title. I’m so fucking immature.

First, make your bacon weave. Sweet mother hubbard, that shit is hard to explain, so please, again, go on the website I mentioned above and see the detailed explanation of how it’s done. One vodka tonic too many tonight…sorry folks. Once you make this, put it aside and hold on to the new panties you got at Fredricks.

Next, put your sausage in your Ziploc bag, lay it on your big ass strip of wax paper and take a rolling pin to roll it out. This to me is fucking brilliant. I’m using this method the next time I make homemade pizza dough or anything else square that I need to roll out. Again, brilliant…I’m still shocked that a man came up with that idea. Or, I mean, it could’ve been his wife, but he didn’t give her credit for it. Shocker. If you get an air pocket, just open a little of the bag to let the air out. Cut the bag off once you’re done and add your fillings which are the slices of cheese, the peppers and onions and your jalapeño. Make sure you put your fillings on the bottom half of the sausage so all that shit doesn’t fall out every where. And so you can’t say “I wish you would’ve told me that.” I did. So there.
Roll up your sausage like a tight doobie. You’ll need to pinch the edges or you’ll get a blowout or a queef, whichever definition your dirty ass mind prefers then place it on your bacon weave and then again, roll it up. Now put this in your smoker until it reaches 165 or about 2-3 hours. And once your fatty is done, broil it at 500 degrees until the bacon is a little crispy. Watch that shit like a hawk or it’ll burn quicker than you can say “Charlie Sheen is a total fuck up.” (too soon?)

Let the meat rest for about 10 minutes, slice that shit up and wait for marriage proposals from women you just met. Or at least that’s what happened to the hubs. “Back off bitch, he does laundry and he’s taken.” Yeah. I said it.

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