Thursday, April 26, 2012

Porky’s Revenge Tacos and a tale of the Non-Mexican food aisle.

I’m white.  Like, cracker white.  I was raised in a household where fried chicken, sweet potatoes, and “wife beater” tank tops were of heavy influence.  My grandmother was the richest of us all…she had a double wide trailer and we all helped her take the wheels off.  Fancy.

So, as I was posting on facebook about the pink taco pizza and how I used Chulola sauce, I casually mentioned that it was in the Mexican food aisle.  Well, this caused quite an uproar with D2.  See, she’s not white.  In fact, we are the ebony and ivory of this cooking blog, except that she’s tan; not black.  I’m her family’s token redneck gringa and when my family hears her speak Spanish, they think she’s Mexican.  It’s a match made in fucked up racial heaven. 

In comes my inspiration for this taco.  The boyfriend and I recently took a quick getaway trip to St. Augustine, Florida.  (I added the “Florida” in there in case you yanks weren’t sure where it was.  It’s only about two hours from where I live, hence the “quick getaway” reference.  You caught up now?  Good.)  So, we’re not big into setting up fancy reservations somewhere and getting dolled up just to sit at a table and wonder which fork to use first.  We’re more of a “let’s wander around and find a cool hole in the wall place and hope there’s a happy hour” kind of couple.  So we did.  We found a hole in the wall taco place (The name escapes me. Can’t imagine why.) that had graffiti on the walls and was packed with people.  We ordered the UFO burrito.  Since I had the pleasure of putting such deliciousness into my pie hole (dirty thought here), I’ve been wanting to recreate it since.  And I think I did.  Here you go…

Shit you’re gonna need:

For the pork:
5 lb Pork butt  (why they call the shoulder the “butt”, is beyond me.  But I didn’t trim the fat.  I figured it gives it extra flavor and a little extra lovin’.)
One large onion (I prefer yellow onions.  Sorta sweet but tough and packed with flavor.  Like me.)
Garlic salt (enough to sprinkle all over the butt)

I cooked this in the crock pot on low for about 8-10 hours.  Once it was done, I took out the fat, shredded it up and then stuck it in the fridge until I knew what the hell I was gonna do with it.

Two days later my “a-ha” moment set in…

For the tacos:
Your shredded pork (honestly, the taco we ordered from the above story was beef, so shredded beef or chicken will work well, too)
A can of black beans, heated and drained
Cheese (I used a Mexican blend [yes D2, it actually said “Mexican” on it])
“the” sauce (Ingredients below)

For the Sauce:
Once cup of plain, non fat yogurt (I just started using this to replace a lot of things.  I’ll explain later, but it sure does save time.  I’m not interested in saving calories, just time and money, kinda like hiring a hooker, or voting in a new congressman)
2 tablespoons of mayo (real mayo here people.  No hellmans nonsense)
6 tablespoons of sour cream (I’m sure there’s a conversion to cups there, but I’m not interested.  I’ve already dirtied a tablespoon, mine as well use that)
1 teaspoon of ground cumin (this stuff smells glorious to me)
½ teaspoon of cayenne pepper (now, don’t get your panties all in a bind and choke on them, it’s not that hot.  But if you haven’t grown a decent pair of balls yet, feel free to add a smidge at a time)
½ teaspoon of garlic salt
Salt and pepper to taste

Mix all this up and then you’ll look at it and say “Shit.  That’s a lot of sauce.”  No it’s not.  Trust me.  You’ll be using this for the inside of the tacos as well as dipping.  My hot ass realtor friend, we’ll call her T, couldn’t get enough.  It’s THAT good.

Now, let’s move on to heating up your pork.

More shit you’ll need:

Your pork from the fridge (now that you know what the hell you’re going to do with it)
2 tablespoons of olive oil (do not EVER say “evoo” around me.  I will punch you right in the esophagus.  Hate that fucking saying.  No offense Rachel…it’s just overused.  Just like my checking account, but I digress…)
3 tablespoons of chili powder (I secretly sniff this stuff and it makes me crave chili cheese fritos.  Weird.  I know.)
½  teaspoon of ground cumin (yep. Used it again.)
½  teaspoon of salt
1 14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes (do NOT drain these)
A pack of 10 tortillas

Shit you’re gonna FINALLY do:

Heat up your olive oil in a dutch oven (that term makes me laugh) and then add in your pork.  You can use a large skillet too if that’s more your fancy.  Then add your chili powder, cumin, salt and diced tomatoes.  Stir that around until it’s heated up and then put it aside so we can put together the tacos.

I needed to press these tacos like they did in St. Augustine, but I don’t have a Panini press.  (Gayest name EVER for a cooking appliance).  So, I heated up the skillet to cook them on and then heated up an iron skillet to sit on top to press them.  My hot, nurse friend, L, said “I don’t have an iron skillet.  What shall I use?”  I then gladly suggested she use a pot filled with water.  Heat that up too so there’s heat on both sides of the smushed taco.  Did ya’ get that?

Once your 924 pans are heated, you’ll need to assemble the tacos.  Heat up the torts in the microwave and then spread ‘er open, put in some pork, lay on the beans, some cheese and then “the sauce”.  I then channeled my Mexican friend, Hector, and rolled that bitch into what resembled a burrito shape (I was two drinks in at this point, my friends, so go easy on me.)  Then I put two in the pan at a time, laid the iron skillet on top and waited until they were brownish, or until my hot brunette realtor friend says “ummm, check yo shit.  They be done.”  And yes.  I said, brownish.  Not brown.  Not white.  Just the ‘ish of brown.  Keep that monotonous assembly line going and after a while, you’ll have a shit load!  As for how long it took.  I really don’t know.  We were shootin’ the shit, pouring more drinks and hoping for the best.  What WAS the best, was the sauce.  Hot Realtor Friend kept going back for more.  I don’t blame her.  I like the sauce.  Double meaning there.


  1. I have a Panini press. I use that fucker for everything!

  2. Yes! I am famous, but where is the cilantro? You can't call it mexican or even brown"ish" without the Cilantro (smartphones hate this word) Atta girl keep up the good work ya sexy beast!

    1. Yes! I am famous, but where is the cilantro? You can't call it mexican or even brown"ish" without the Cilantro (smartphones hate this word) Atta girl keep up the good work ya sexy beast!