Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Nutella crescent rolls. It’s for lovers.

Disclaimer:  This recipe has cinnamon in it.  Which pretty much means D2 won’t go any further than this sentence right here.  She’s also terrified of birds, but that’s a story for a different day.  That story involves Sea World and me peeing in my pants, but moving on...

Nutella was made by Jesus.  I know this because that shit is heavenly.  Unicorns dance and rainbows shoot through my kitchen window every time I eat it.  I open the vacuum sealed top and it sounds like angels flew straight out of the jar and wrapped their arms around me and sang me a lullaby of hope that all will be better in the world. 

So, it’s only natural to put crescent rolls, sugar, and cinnamon with this most delicious treat.  Thank you pinterest.  Thank you for wasting my time and helping me find ways to get fat and to dream of how organized I wish my home was.

Shit you’re gonna need:
One can of crescent rolls (I totally used generic.  Shocker.)
Nutella (I have a huge ass jar, which makes me wonder why they even sell small jars of this stuff.  I could inhale the small jar up through my left nostril in .009 seconds.)
‘bout a cup of sugar
‘bout a tablespoon of cinnamon

Shit you’re gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 375.  Fish out a baking pan, cover it in foil and spray that bad boy down with some kitchen ky. 

Mix together your cinnamon and sugar in a bowl and set aside.

Cross your legs so you don’t piss yourself when the crescent can pops open.  I need to note that you don’t need your crescent rolls out until you’re absolutely 100% ready to use them.  If they come out of the fridge and sit too long, they get sticky and warm and darn near impossible to work with.  Kinda like a few shitheads I know.  But anyhoo…One at a time, unroll your crescent roll, smear on some nutella and then roll that bad boy up.  Roll the large end down towards the little edge because that’s how the nice people at Pillsbury expect you to do it.  And who are we to go against the bake-off creators who so conveniently forget to even say “thank you” for entering their contest every year.  But I’m not bitter.  “Oh, we’re sorry to inform you, but your recipe looks like shit. And we wouldn’t even feed it to our dog…”  Errrrgh.

But after you roll these up, roll them around in your cinnamon sugar concoction, then lay them on your baking sheet and bake ‘em for about 15 minutes. 

Now, once they’re cooked, you’re really gonna have to a wait a few minutes and let these bastards cool.  Trust me.  I burned a few taste buds and said a few cuss words that I’m pretty sure were in Spanish when I tried to shovel one in right after pulling out of the oven.  Never trust anyone who eats immediately after pulling things out of the oven.  *snicker*  *snort*, lol.  But when they actually do cool down – ‘bout 10 minutes will do ya’- then bite down and enjoy the goodness that is the invention of nutella.  And by the way, every time you eat one, an angel gets its wings.


  1. You are the funniest blogger I have ever read!

  2. Bahahaha, reading this shit was like I was listening to how the voice in my head narrates shit and it was effin' amazing to come across a blog I enjoy!