Monday, September 27, 2010

I ain’t shittin’ you…this is bad ass sauce.

Alright, so I thought I made a good marinara sauce. I cooked it about every two weeks and I’d always keep some in the freezer. I thought I was the shit when it came to busketti sauce. So, I asked you fine folks on facebook what you did that made your sauce bad ass. Holy shit you guys came through. I wish I could give each and every one of you a good slap on the ass (cuz that’s how we say “thank you” round these parts). I added a little of your love in my sauce and it’s now THE best sauce I’ve ever made. How else can I say thank you? Oh. Post the recipe. Yeah. That would do it.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion, chopped (Honestly, I think the onion was about 4 days too old. But it still smelled like an onion. Oh well. Shit tasted good.)

Half of a green pepper, chopped (I used a large one because at $0.99 each why the hell would I buy a small one? So, I’ll just used the other half in the hubs’ breakfast the next couple of days. You can also freeze the other half as well.)

A smidge of olive oil (I assume that a smidge is about 2 tablespoons)

1 pound of ground beef (If you’re all granola, you can use ground turkey. I’m sure your ass and your arteries will thank you. Mine? Not so much. I’m a red meat kind of gal. And yes, you can read into that alllllll you want.)

2 tablespoons of brown sugar (Here’s one of the magical mother fucking ingredients that I used. I’m sure you’re supposed to use light brown sugar, but all I had was dark brown. Why didn’t I have light you ask? Well, because I spent 4 very rough days and two boxes of light brown sugar attempting to make homemade caramel the hard way. I ruined two pots and burned both my hands. Never doing that shit again.)

Dried oregano and basil (The measurements are up to you. I use about 2 teaspoons each. Excessive, I know, but so is Justin Beiber and I still have to deal with her shit.)

1 jar of marinara sauce (No. I didn’t use some fancy Paul Newman shit like my friend Evelyn; I used Target generic brand. I’m cheap like that. Again, feel free to read into that all you want. You’re welcome.)

3 oz. of cream cheese (I don’t know what the hell I would do without those measurement lines on a package of cream cheese. I’m a shithead when it comes to math.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up your olive oil in a large ass skillet. Add your onions and green pepper and make those fuckers sweat for about 2 or 3 minutes. Then add your ground beef. Brown that shit up and pour yourself your first glass of wine. White…red…I don’t care. It’ll help you deal with the monsters…I mean munchkins who are running in and out of your kitchen begging for fucking fruit snacks. Btw, fruit snacks are born from the devil. Thought you should know.

Once the meant is browned, add your brown sugar and once it’s dissolved, add your jar of marinara. Uh, might want to turn down the heat a little, cuz I know you’re not wearing an apron that’ll keep that red shit from splattering on your clothes. Not that mine matter. I’m a stay at home mom, which pretty much means I wear workout clothes all day to make it look like I’m a fucking fitness guru. I’m not. I just don’t want to deal with looking like I’m freaking human when I know I’m gonna get mac and cheese imbedded on my shit 45 minutes after I put it on. So, there. Now after you pour in your jarred shit, add your basil and oregano, give that bitch a stir and then put in your cream cheese. Stir this mother fucker until it’s all melted and voila…there’s your bad ass marinara. You can give me a high five if you see me out. I’m sure I’ll be wearing an Ohio State t-shirt with workout shorts.


  1. Thank you, thank you, as I bow on my knees. Never have tried cream cheese in my jarred sauce concoction. Hopefully that's the key ingredient that keeps everyone thinking "her sauce really didn't come from a jar this time."

  2. Good luck to you my friend. I promise you'll get some love for this one. My picky seven year old begs for this sauce. No joke.