Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Hershey needs to pay me for this shit

After stuffing my big ass mouth with half a bag of Hershey’s Bliss Chocolate, I realized that my chocolate craving was not only unsatisfied, but my ass and thighs were yet to be filled. Walgreens has a 2/$6 deal going on for these little suckers but I’m way too fucking lazy tonight to go get more. I’m also babysitting my friend Ariel’s kids tonight and I’m soooo not dragging four boys to Walgreens. Especially not to the candy aisle. Do ya’ feel me here? So, I used what I had.

Bitchin’ Bliss Brownies

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 box of brownie mix (don’t judge me for using a premade mix. I need to get this shit into my pie hole in 8.3 seconds and this is the fastest way to do it. I also need to make this shit quick because the hubs was in the shower and I didn’t want anyone else fucking with the batter in the bowl. That shit is MINE.)

You’ll also need the shit that it tells you on the box (mine said oil, water and eggs)

16 Bliss candies (16 is all I had. Yes, that’s all I had left after eating two entire bags myself. I’m a fucking loser. Thank you.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. Please remember to do this. I forgot. So, after I was ready to put the shit in, my oven was as cold as a witch’s tit. I was pissed because that meant that I had to wait an extra 10 minutes for this shit to get into my face.

Now, make your mix according to your box directions. Mine is for the 9x13 size, so I used my Kitchen KY (non-stick spray) on my pan and poured the mixed batter in. Btw, most premade brownie mixes will tell you to stir for about 50 strokes. Believe them when they tell you this. It has something to do with the gluten being all shredded and shit. I don’t fucking know. Call Alton. So, after it’s poured in your pan, you’ll get a calculator out and perform an equation close to the theory of relativity to get the exact proportions of where to put the fucking chocolates. Fuuuuuuuck that. Eye ball this shit. I’m just a perfect person, so mine is exactly even. But DO NOT, I repeat, do not press down the chocolate. Just lay them gently on top. There’s baking powder in this shit so it’s gonna rise around the chocolate during baking.

After the chocolates are on, throw this bad boy in the oven and bake according to the box’s directions. And then my loves, you will have one hell of a chocolate masterpiece on your hands. Your mouth will be happy. The planets will align. And nobody will get hurt because you don’t have anymore chocolate. I’ll now wait for Oprah to call and say “thank you”. Because I’m sure she’s reading this.

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