French Toast. I like the French. Especially the way they kiss.

The French toast I grew up with was soggy in the middle. Fucking gross. But this shit is perfect. I give props to two people for this…Food Network magazine and the hubs, cuz he bought me the subscription.

This is the kind of breakfast you make someone when you want something. I want a new dress that I saw at Betsey Johnson. No, I’m not spoiled – I’m smart. I’m also not conceded. I’m convinced.

Shit you’re gonna need:

3 eggs

¼ cup of whipping cream

1 teaspoon of vanilla (use the real shit here people. No joke)

½ teaspoon of nutmeg (there’s that damn nutmeg again, being all versatile, just like edible underwear)

½ teaspoon of sugar

Pinch of salt (I use sea salt. I use it because Martha uses it. That’s my only reason)

Loaf of bakery bread (you can use challah, which I think is pronounced “holla!”, or even French bread, but here I used sourdough because it was on sale and you all know what a cheap ass I am)

Butter (the cottage cheese on my ass just tingled when I wrote that)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 350. That’s right – not only are we gonna fry this shit in butter, we’re gonna bake the hell out of it. So, melt a tablespoon of butter in your pan and let’s get to slicing up that bread. Now, I didn’t go to the School of How to Chop Shit. Nor did I attend the Vo-tech University of Slicing and Dicing. So, if you want to slice your bread all at an angle and shit…go for it. I can’t do it. Because I’m obviously a ruh-tard when it comes to using a fucking knife. But cut up enough that your family is gonna eat. In the meantime, let’s mix our dipping shit.

Whisk together your eggs, whipping cream, vanilla, nutmeg, sugar and salt in a bowl. I could’ve just said “Whisk the first six ingredients.” But I didn’t. I didn’t want you to have to look back up there and count that shit. But if you want to look back up there and count, go for it. I’ll wait.

See? Told ya. But once that’s all mixed and your bread is cut up, your butter should be melted. So, dip the bread in the sloppy shit and then plop it in the pan. Don’t overcrowd it because you’ll be pissed when you don’t have enough room to dig your spatula in and flip this shit. When one side is brown (you can peak a little), flip it and wait for the other side to brown. When it’s done, take the pieces out and lay them on a baking sheet. You’ll probably need to add another tablespoon of butter to fry the next batch, so go for it…cuz butter is good for you; don’t believe the haters. Once your batches are done, bake these bad boys for about 10 minutes. They’s gonna be all crispy and brown and full of goodness. Now pour on some Aunt Jemima and stick this in your pie hole.