A big ass pizza roll.

Fyi…I’ve had a shitty day. But I still managed to pound out some good shit for dinner. And since I still can’t hone my inner Sophia Petrillo and figure out if the shit I made was a fucking calzone or Stromboli, imma have to name this shit myself. So…it’s Castro. Calzone + Stromboli = Castro (for you fucking math wizards). But honestly – this is like a big ass Jeno’s pizza roll. And I swear I could eat my fucking body weight in Jeno’s pizza rolls. God bless that man.

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 doobie roll of sausage (that Jimmy Dean shit is what I’m talkin’ ‘bout)

Some dried basil and oregano (shit looks like pot. You know you agree with me)

Can of pizza dough (yes, you can make your own or buy the stuff from your bakery, but I have no idea how many fucking ounces you’ll need of this shit, so just buy the can)

Pepperoni (ummmmm, I used about 25 maybe? Just buy a pack and stuff some in your pie hole while you’re cooking. That’ll make about 42 you’ll need)

Marinara sauce (you won’t use a whole jar unless you’re a dipping whore like me. I dip my shit in everything. Chicken gets honey mustard, hot dogs get ketchup and pancakes get syrup)

Shredded Mozzarella Cheese (‘bout 1 ½ cups. But really, you’ll want to use a full two cups, which again is conveniently the same amount in those pre-shredded bags. Holy shit…I’m amazing)

One egg, beaten (it’s to make the egg wash)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat your oven to 425. Brown up your sausage. When it’s almost done cooking, go ahead and season that shit with some dried basil and oregano. (Fucking love oregano. I think I’m almost Italian. Except that I have red hair, I’ve never had a tan and I say Ann-tan-a, instead of en-ten-na for the fucking rabbit ears on my aunts tv, but whatever).

Now you’ll want to drain the meat so that you’re only clogging one artery and adding cottage cheese to only one of your thighs this evening. Next, cover a baking sheet with aluminum foil and spray it down with Kitchen KY, aka non-stick spray. Pop open your can of dough (yes, I still freak the fuck out when opening those cans. Still scares the shit out of me) and lay it out on the baking sheet. Use your grubby ass hands to spread it out a little. Not too thin – don’t make holes in the shit. You’re not giving a Russian woman a massage; you’re just making a big ass pizza roll.

Then, lay your sausage, then your pepperoni, your sauce (not too much, ‘bout a cup will do) and then your cheese in the middle of the dough. Fold over the dough, pinch the edges so none of this goodness comes out and wash that dough with a beaten egg. Egg wash they call it. Then throw that shit in the oven for 15 minutes and BAM, your big ass pizza roll is complete. Serve with a salad or broccoli. You don’t really have to serve it with that – I’m just using that as a disclaimer that I think you should actually eat something healthy at dinner. Amen.