Bad Ass Cuban – and I don’t mean Mark Cuban. Cuz he’s not really Cuban. And he’s not a bad ass. But Andy Garcia is.

I’m obviously not Cuban. I wish I were. Only so I could get a tan. But I gotta hand it to the Cubans, they make a bad ass sandwich. Can I get an Amen?? I used to eat these from 7-11 in college when my friend Dana and I were out and drunk as a skunk and starving at 2am. Remember that Dana? Remember when I’d use your I.D.? BAH! What a trip.

I recently saw an episode with Alton Brown how he made a bad ass pressed Cuban sandwich using bricks heated up in the oven. Ummmmm, yeah, I ain’t got time for that shit. I also don’t have a Panini press. Which is pretty damn surprising considering I have every kitchen gadget imaginable. But I digress. I had to make do with what I have. So, let’s go over this, shall we?

Shit you’re gonna need:

Cuban sandwich rolls (I couldn’t find those damn things so I used hoagie rolls that are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. Kind of like my ex-stepmother, but whatever)

Roasted Pork (I got mine from the deli. It said roasted ham, which is weird. But I guess pork IS ham. How fucking confusing.)

Provolone cheese

Flat dill sandwich pickles (you need the flat ones because you don’t want any bullshit pickle that’s gonna stand up and ruin the flatness of your sandwich)

Mustard (good ‘ol plain all American mustard. You know, ‘cause I’m sure Cubans use Heinz)

Butter (of course)

Iron skillet (if you don’t have one yet, just use whatever skillet you want

A heavy pot filled with water (you’ll use this to weigh down your samich)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up your skillet with about 2 tablespoons of butta. While that’s melting, assemble your samich. I personally slice open the bread but not all the way. If shit’s gonna fall out, let’s just make it do that on only one side, k? I layer meat, two slices of cheese, two flat pickles and drizzle on the mustard. Yeah baby! I shut the sandwich and lay that effer in that melted butter.

THEN, get this, I put the pan of water on top of the sandwich. Uh huh. That’s right. This is what smushes it!! Once it’s crispy and buttery on one side, flip it over (add more butter if you think you need to clog yet another artery) and then lay that pot of water back on. After about two minutes I just slide the whole contraption off of the burner and let it sit there for about 4-5 minutes. This makes sure that I’m getting pretty close to those 2 am 7-11 cubans. ‘Cause that’s the goal here, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
After that shit is flat, do a pretty diagonal cut on that bitch and look at the gloriness you just created inside. Or, you can wrap this bad boy in aluminum foil, fill up a glass of sweet tea and deliver it to the hubs for lunch while he’s at work. This assures me that he won’t be pissed when he sees how much I spent at Target this week.

Bad ass if I do say so myself.