Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things that make me wanna punch a crack addict.

  1. People who chew their gum like a cow. Are they trying to get an award for this shit? It’s disgusting no matter who’s chewing it or where it’s been placed after chewing. Fucking gross.
  2. Terrible mothers. I’m not a fucking angel and yes, I lose it every now and then. But come on, get a grip, you’re the only one they’ve got. Own up sister or keep your legs crossed.
  3. When I’m over the moon to try a new recipe and then realize I don’t have one ingredient. Fucking annoying.
  4. When I call someone, they don’t answer and then they immediately text back and say “what’s up?” Um. I get it if you’re in a meeting or something, but don’t text me right away. Wait an hour and then say, “Sorry, I was in a meeting discussing the budget deficit and couldn’t take your call.” Because I know your lazy ass was sitting on the couch avoiding me. Trust me asshole, I wouldn’t be calling you if I didn’t need to actually speak to your dumb ass.
  5. I hate “vague-booking”. You know those assholes that put their status as “Omg, I’m so excited!” Of course they just set you up to say “Wow, for what?” Listen douchenozzle, just say whatcha gotta say. We’re probably not reading it anyways. And if we are, we’re bored out of our fucking minds or drunk. Either way, it’s annoying as hell.
  6. People that give me a dirty look when I lay coupons on the counter for the cashier. Look princess, I’ve got 932 items on the belt, six or seven coupons isn’t gonna break your day. You saw that when you walked up, you pretentious little twat. If you’re in that much of a hurry to buy your KY 20 minute battery operated cock ring, use the customer service counter so I don’t laugh at you for not actually going to an adult superstore.
  7. Annoying hookers who wear high heels that first, don’t fit, and second make them walk like they just got gang banged by WWE wrestlers. You obviously didn’t pay much for the cheap ass dress you’re sort of wearing, so spend the money on some heels that don’t make you look like a dog trying to walk on two paws.
  8. People who hold one glass of wine for an hour. “Are you going to drink that? No? Then I will.” Let’s not waste it people. There’s starving people in Africa wanting to get drunk.
  9. Crossing guards who help another crossing guard cross the street. I swear I see this dumb move once a week when I head to carpool. It’s not like two bright orange vests are gonna make me slow down any more than one, so just hurry up there jumpin’ jack flash.
  10. When I leave the house phone off the hook and it’s dead when I try to use it. Why don’t I just put it back on the charger after I use it? Because sometimes, even though I’m perfect, I fuck up every now and then and become lazy as shit. Just like right now while I’m writing all this fucking nonsense.


  1. Awesomesauce. I am completely with you on the vague-booking and starving Africans wanting to get drunk.

  2. effing hilarious. I'm glad someone out there has the guts to put it down on paper, or cyberspace, or whatever. Kudos to you!! keep it comin'!

  3. I would so retweet this if I didn't have a gazillion followers who would lose their everloving shit.

  4. I just called you a red haired handful to my brother today :) Apparently he and your husband were good friends in high school. Love your blog!

  5. Came across your blog today and LOOOOOVE IT! You're too freaking funny! Sometimes I think I'm this funny in my head, but it never comes out right! Thanks for inspiring! :D This isn't spam and it's not even mine, but I really think you'd love a blog called The Wuc ( - similar style. Really enjoyed a good laugh! Your post "Seven Stress Strategies I Apply to my Already Perfect Mothering Style" was perfect!