Monday, December 9, 2013

How to kill a vampire. With mashed potatoes.

EVERY time I'm asked to bring a side dish of sorts, I bring these roasted garlic mashed potatoes.  It's easy to control how much or how little you wanna make because depending on how many potatoes you use, you can either make a smidge or a shit ton.  (Sidebar: "smidge" and "shit ton"...those are both standard units of measurement; add those to your vocab list.)  Also, if you get to your destination and they get cold - totally easy to heat up in the microwave.  Although, I don't recommend freezing these, because when I've done that, the heating back up process results in watery, runny, potatoes.  Blech!  But they WILL last in the fridge for about a week, so you could make potato patties with the leftovers as well.

Shit you're gonna need:
2 heads of garlic (Is that what they're called, "heads?"  Like, the little things inside are called "cloves", right?  But the whole thing?  That's the head, right?)
Olive Oil  (extra virgin, extra slutty...whatever)
Aluminum Foil
6 russet potatoes (this will feed about 6 adults.  Just factor in that the average adult eats one potato.  It's not rocket science or the friggin' common core bullshit they're teaching the kids these days.)
Heavy Whipping cream (this will all depend on how creamy or dry you want your potatoes.  Could be 1/2 cup...could be 3/4.)
5 tablespoons of butter (again, this is for 6 potatoes, so any more or any'll have to do the math.)
Salt (I use kosher salt, cuz I'm half Jew)
Pepper (If you like it)

Shit you're gonna do:
Preheat your oven to 425.  You'll see here that I have three heads of garlic, but I only used two.  That's because the extra head I roasted, I kept in the fridge in case I needed it.  I use the roasted garlic to rub on bread when making grilled cheese sandwiches, or for using it as a rub down for a roasted chicken.  Roasted garlic is versatile, just like pantyhose.  You can wear them if you're rockin' the 1984 career woman look, rubbing the deodorant off the armholes of your favorite silk blouse, or you can use them to cover your head when robbing a bank.   The choice is yours.

Chop off that top thingy from the head.  (top thingy - such fancy terminology)

Then lay them on aluminum foil that's on a cookie sheet.  Or baking pan, or whatever you call it.

Loosely wrap that mutha up and put them in the oven for about 45 minutes.  Yes...your house will smell like you're trying to murder Edward Cullen's entire family.  Whiiiiiiiiich wouldn't be such a terrible thing.

Once they're done, take them out of the oven, open the aluminum foil and let them cool.  You're gonna be squeezing these bad boys like the last 1/4 inch of your toothpaste, so you don't wanna burn your fingers.

Now, wash and scrub your potatoes.  Let's be honest here.  I didn't scrub them.  I ran them over running water and just used my hands to get off any excess grime.  And don't judge; I know half of you out there reading this do the same damn thing.

Then chop them up - the size depends on how quickly you want them to cook.  So, let's use our common sense here (which isn't really common any more) and agree that the larger the cut potato, the longer it takes to cook.  The smaller the cut potato, the less time it takes to cook.

You'll also see here that I left the skins on.  Feel free to peel them before you chop - my family happens to like the skins, so I leave them on.  And because I'm seriously lazy and don't feel like skinning them.

You'll boil these until they're fork tender.  Then drain and put back in the pot.  (Sorry, I didn't have a picture of all that.  I had a friend over for dinner and I got to running my mouth and forgot.  AND we were drinking wine, sooooooo, that pretty much explains it.)

Ignore the regular table salt in the picture below.  I used kosher salt.

Once your potatoes are back in the pot, add your butter, 'bout a 1/4 cup of the whipping cream to get started, and then squeeze in your garlic.  Yes.  Your hand will get stinky.

Now, how you actually mix your potatoes is up to you.  I used to use a good 'ol fashioned hand potato masher, but I've long since forgotten my Amish ways, and use an electric mixer.  Call me crazy, but this electricity thing is really working for me!

Oh, look!  There's the Kosher salt.

Once you've mixed the potatoes to the consistency you like, this is where you start seasoning.  I add salt and pepper by the teaspoon until I get it to where I like it.  I sort of under salt because I know everyone will add more.

Feel free to top with bacon and sour cream :)  I do!

Click below to open a printable copy!

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