Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Shit I use in my kitchen. And an accidental drink recipe.

Had a few homies and their families over this past Saturday and of course, like most people, the moms hung out in the kitchen.  We got to chit chattin' about things like, that I don't know what Dick Cheney looks like (true story), the price of milk, and how many times we've been to an adult superstore in the past three weeks.  Times like those remind me of what kick ass friends I have and how I really savor those Summer's Eve moments we have when the men folk aren't looking.  Pour me another drink, ladies...let's talk about porn.

Along with porn, another topic that came up was what exactly did I use in my kitchen on a regular basis.   Good question.  I for damn sure don't have fancy pots and pans that are coated with the tears of an angel and I especially don't have tools that are hand carved by monks in South Brazil.  The picture below is exactly what I use 98% of the time.  I'll break it down for you...

I know the numbers are hard to see.  a. I'm not so good on my Mac at editing pictures. b. I've had a few glasses of wine. and c. I've had a few glasses of wine.

But let's start at the top with number one.  Since we all start with number one.  Since the history of ever and the beginning of time.  Let's start with 1.

1. This is a Calphalon pan my mom got me for my last birthday.  This shit is the bomb and it's the pan I use every. fucking. day.  The whole damn thing goes into the oven.  Lid and all!  For example, I can saute chicken on the stovetop, throw in veggies, pop on that lid, and shove that mother trucker in the oven.  Whammo.  Dinner done.

2.  Ahhhhhhhh.  The infamous LeCruset.  This massive beast is also known as a "dutch oven."  Not to be confused with the OTHER dutch oven.  The one where you fart in bed and then lock your children under the sheets that forces them into a coughing fit.  They then escape and run far away from your room as possible.  Mission accomplished.  But seriously, I use this to saute meat on the stovetop, then throw in veggies and appropriate seasonings, and then shove that bitch in the oven.  Hansel and Gretel style.  Word.

3.  My, oh my.  Me and this contraption go way back.  This my friends, is from Pampered Chef.  (disclaimer: I am in no way being paid to advertise for them.  Like they would even promote a website with the name "effing" in it.) Anyhoo, this is how I steam frozen veggies all the time.  I put about 1/4 cup of water in the bottom, load this up with the whatever veggie has the least amount of freezer burn, and microwave until cooked.  The lid that has holes in it, locks.  That way, when you're done steaming, you can pour out the water, straining it.  Then I add butter, garlic salt, and then a bit of parmesan cheese, aka "shakey cheese" in our house.

4.  This is actually the collapsable strainer.  The small spatula, potato masher, and whisk are there for obvious reasons.  That really is shit I use all the time.  We know what they're for, let's move on.  The collapsable strainer.  This is such a freaking cabinet space saver as well as being able to stretch it out to the size you actually need.  Very convenient and because of the space saving, I have another one in our camper.  Yes.  I camp.  Much to my mother's dismay.  When I told her that my Hubster, who I was dating at the time, was taking me camping, she was horrified and said "Camping?  Like, at a Holiday Inn instead of the Ritz?" (Love you, mom.)

5.  THIS is pan is amazing.  My sister bought this for me for my birthday about five years ago.  It's a Rachel Ray pasta pan.  It's a little oblong shaped and very deep.  When you're making a huge ass pan of pasta with marinara for four boys, or any large meal for a big group, THIS is your pan.  Amazing.

The cutting boards I have pictured are generic.  They're not bamboo or any complicated shit like that.  I don't have time to shave my legs AND my armpits during one shower, so there ain't no fucking way I have time to rub a cutting board down with coconut oil, or some dumb shit like that.  If I'm gonna rub something down with oil, it's definitely not gonna be a cutting board...wink, wink.

There's also a pizza cutter and a spatula pictured.  The pizza cutter isn't just used for pizza.  You'd be a dumbass to buy a kitchen tool that you can only use for one thing.  Stupid.  I use that thing to cut up pancakes for the kidddos, crusts off sandwiches, and chop herbs, just to name a few.

The orange spatula set is from Rachel Ray.  It was the other part of my bday gift from my kick ass sister.  I love that whole set.  It's durable, dishwasher safe, and it works just in case you need to swat a kid on the ass as he's running through your damn kitchen after being told not to for the upteenth time.  Not that I do that or anything.  Scouts honor.

So, besides the occasional pot with lid to boil water for pasta...that's it.  Not fancy.  Just like me.

And now, my bitches, here's a little drinky poo we made this past weekend.

Since it's Florida and it's fucking hot as a homeless man's armpit, we stayed inside.  The dads had the kids out in the pool and as long as we kept filling their drinks or hand them another beer, it pretty much meant we were off duty.  Holla!

So, my friend "J" noticed the cut up watermelon that the kids weren't eating.  Yep.  We smushed that shit, poured in vodka to help the smushing process, and then poured that shnizz over sprite. Yes.  There were seeds.  Get over it.  The myth that your older sister told you about swallowing a seed would result in a watermelon growing in your belly is NOT true.  In fact, ANY seed you swallow will not grown ANYTHING in your belly.  Contrary to any sex ed classes you may have been wrongly informed at.

By the way, that grey shiny band on "J's" wrist is something called, SpiriTies.  She makes and sells them.  And here comes a shameless plug for her...SpiriTies  Love you, J :)

And this isn't "J."  This is me.  Adding more vodka.  Of course I did.

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