Thursday, August 26, 2010

Insert Creative Name for Chocolate Chip Cookies here...

Please, please please oh please do me a favor…make homemade chocolate chip cookies. I completely understand how easy the break and bakes are. I get it. Really I do. And I’m telling you to do this not because of how much cheaper it is. And not because it tastes better. I’m telling you to do this because you will get so much more dough and cookies out of making them from scratch than you ever will buying the premade shit. That’s more cookies for me to hide in the bathroom with my bottle of red wine. Cookies and wine in the bathroom. Don’t judge. You’re just jealous that YOU didn’t think of it first.

This recipe is straight off the bag of generic semi-sweet chocolate chips that I got from Target. Fucking love Target. Mine has a Starbucks and an escalator in it. It’s like Jesus built it himself. Amen.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 sticks of softened butter (We know the rule by now…if you don’t have time to soften that shit, we will not judge you because you’re a slacker. Stick the shit in the microwave. But don’t let it melt. You need the solid fat to make this shit good.)

¾ cup of sugar

¾ cup of packed light brown sugar (Alright, I didn’t have light brown sugar. I had dark brown sugar. Didn’t make a damn of a difference. Blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice…right? Right.)

2 tsp. of vanilla (Why does vanilla taste like shit raw, but you add it to a recipe and bake and it’s fucking amazing? I love Chemistry. Even though I failed Chemistry in high school. And because I failed they sent me to Drama class for the second semester…shocker.)

2 large eggs (I’ve never ever seen a recipe that calls for medium or small eggs. You?)

2 1/3 cups of flour

1 tsp. of baking soda

1 tsp. of salt

1 pkg. (12 oz.) of semi-sweet chocolate chips (Okay, I only had half a bag left, so that’s what I used. I made ganache with the other half about two weeks ago, but that’s a story for a different day. But nobody complained “Hey! There’s not enough chocolate chips in these!” because if they did, that would be the last time they EVER got a homemade chocolate chip cookie…I’m just sayin’.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 375. I covered a baking sheet with aluminum foil and sprayed it with a little Kitchen KY. I didn’t use parchment paper, I didn’t use a silpat and I didn’t use a pampered chef bar pan. Still worked. Still tasted awesome.

Beat together your butter, both your sugars and your vanilla until it looks creamy. ("beat until creamy" awwww, dats naaaasty) And no, I don’t know how to explain it. I just beat it until it was yellowish brownish. (Holy crap that sounds dirty…and I like it!) Good description? No? Oh well…now add in your eggs until it’s all combined. The recipe said “light and fluffy”. I still don’t know what the hell that means. When I think light and fluffy, I think of my midsection after having a baby. Or maybe that’s bread dough. Nevermind.

Mix in your flour, baking soda and salt. If you’re using a hand mixer or a stand mixer, do yourself a favor and start it on a low speed. You put flour in a mixer and start that shit on high…you’re gonna use words like “holy shit” and “fuck that”. Trust me. But once it’s mixed, stir in by hand your chocolate chips. Now, if you’re miss fancy pants or mister Alton Brown-like, go ahead and stir in some toffee chips or toasted walnuts or some crazy bullshit like that. But I’m keeping my dough simple.

Drop about a 2 teaspoon dollop of dough on your baking sheet about 2 inches apart. These bitches are gonna spread out while they bake. You don’t want them cooking together. You’ll look like a dumbass if they do.

Bake them for about 7-8 minutes. Yes, I said 7-8. Why? Because I like to under cook mine. Why? Because the sugar in those little fuckers are gonna continue to cook after you pull them out of the oven. And I fucking hate crispy chocolate chip cookies. If they start to get brown on the edges, you’re fucked. Don’t. Overcook. Now, enjoy and stuff your pie hole people.


  1. Geez! Where was this recipe when I destroyed the chocolate chip cookies, I attempted to make.

    My shit came out flat, the batter was wicked soft, and I ended making a chocolate swirl cookie pie instead. Only good thing I made today was tuna fish cakes other than inabilities to function in that room with the fridge, cabinets, sink, stove (what's that the kitchen) yup, well now I know how bad i suck at cookin & baking.

  2. You don't have to add swear words. You sound unprofessional and 15. I wouldn't trust this recipe.

  3. If you worked in a kitchen like I am, you know that you wouldn't even be considered a professional cook unless you cursed.