Sawlz-ber-ee Steyk

The hubs challenged me to what he calls “The Hungry Man” challenge. He likes those disgusting, preservative filled pieces of shit on a plastic microwavable plate called Hungry Man that you find in your local grocer’s freezer. Shit’s fucking gross. BUT, he said he misses them and he wants Salisbury Steak. Insert dinner challenge here.

The hubs is known for challenging me on certain meals that make his mouth water. He challenged me with Chicken Parmesan and I worked that bitch. He challenged me to Enchiladas and I tore that shit up. And tonight, Salisbury Steak…and I fucking delivered. Bring it mother fucker. Ain't no need to poke holes in no fucking cellophane here!

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 onion (I used a small one, because I was only giving onions to the hubs. If you’re feeding more onions to more people, use a large onion and also serve after dinner breath mints. But that’s just a suggestion.)

1 (10 oz.) can of condensed French onion soup

1 pound of ground beef (If you’re fucking daddy warbucks, feel free to buy ground sirloin. I found it unnecessary as I was loading this shit with flavor, so I didn’t bother. I just used Ground round…whatever the fuck THAT is.)

½ cup of breadcrumbs (I used flavored ones. Use what you have. Don’t get your panties in a wad about it.)

1 egg

¼ teaspoon of salt (Just regular table salt)

1/8 teaspoon of ground pepper (Honestly, I didn’t measure the salt or pepper. I just eye balled the shit because I was one Vodka down and about to pop open my second.)

1 tablespoon of flour (this is to thicken the sauce up)

¼ cup of ketchup

¼ cup of water

1 tablespoon of Worcesteshire (Without watching Shrek the Third, I would have no idea how to pronounce that. So, thank you Mike Meyers.)

½ teaspoon of dry mustard

Shit you’re gonna do:

Okay, so you don’t HAVE to sauté the onion if you don’t want to. I was just trying to up my game to the hubs. And he loves onions. So, if you’re gonna add the onion, just sauté it up in a little bit of olive oil and make ‘em sweat. I also added a little dash of sugar at the end just to let ‘em carmelize. And because I’m sweet like that. Be jealous.

And while the onions were cooking, I mixed up my meat concoction. (meat…cock…BAH! How in the world does my husband deal with me, eh?) Mix together 1/3 of the can of soup, your meat, the bread crumbs and the salt and pepper. The onions should be done by now, so take those out and slap your husbands hand as he reaches in for a taste. And then wait for him to slap your ass…or wait…maybe that’s just me. Make six patties out of your meat and brown those on both sides. While those little meat patties are cooking, mix your sauce. Stir the rest of the soup, the flour, ketchup, water, the Worcestershire and dry mustard in a separate bowl. Then if your meat is all greasy and shit, drain it out. You don’t want your sauce greasy. It’s bad enough when you cook with bacon grease. Or wait…again…that’s just me. Once it’s drained, pour your sauce over the patties, cover, put it on a heavy simmer and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Mine took 15, just so you know.

I sided this bad ass mother effer with homemade mashed potatoes and carrots. I chose carrots because the hubs said he saw someone the other day eating a carrot and he wanted one. So, that’s why I chose those disgusting little fuckers. I hate carrots. Unless they’re in a cake. Word to your mutha.

Insert Creative Name for Chocolate Chip Cookies here...

Please, please please oh please do me a favor…make homemade chocolate chip cookies. I completely understand how easy the break and bakes are. I get it. Really I do. And I’m telling you to do this not because of how much cheaper it is. And not because it tastes better. I’m telling you to do this because you will get so much more dough and cookies out of making them from scratch than you ever will buying the premade shit. That’s more cookies for me to hide in the bathroom with my bottle of red wine. Cookies and wine in the bathroom. Don’t judge. You’re just jealous that YOU didn’t think of it first.

This recipe is straight off the bag of generic semi-sweet chocolate chips that I got from Target. Fucking love Target. Mine has a Starbucks and an escalator in it. It’s like Jesus built it himself. Amen.

Shit you’re gonna need:

2 sticks of softened butter (We know the rule by now…if you don’t have time to soften that shit, we will not judge you because you’re a slacker. Stick the shit in the microwave. But don’t let it melt. You need the solid fat to make this shit good.)

¾ cup of sugar

¾ cup of packed light brown sugar (Alright, I didn’t have light brown sugar. I had dark brown sugar. Didn’t make a damn of a difference. Blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice…right? Right.)

2 tsp. of vanilla (Why does vanilla taste like shit raw, but you add it to a recipe and bake and it’s fucking amazing? I love Chemistry. Even though I failed Chemistry in high school. And because I failed they sent me to Drama class for the second semester…shocker.)

2 large eggs (I’ve never ever seen a recipe that calls for medium or small eggs. You?)

2 1/3 cups of flour

1 tsp. of baking soda

1 tsp. of salt

1 pkg. (12 oz.) of semi-sweet chocolate chips (Okay, I only had half a bag left, so that’s what I used. I made ganache with the other half about two weeks ago, but that’s a story for a different day. But nobody complained “Hey! There’s not enough chocolate chips in these!” because if they did, that would be the last time they EVER got a homemade chocolate chip cookie…I’m just sayin’.)

Shit you’re gonna do:

Preheat the oven to 375. I covered a baking sheet with aluminum foil and sprayed it with a little Kitchen KY. I didn’t use parchment paper, I didn’t use a silpat and I didn’t use a pampered chef bar pan. Still worked. Still tasted awesome.

Beat together your butter, both your sugars and your vanilla until it looks creamy. ("beat until creamy" awwww, dats naaaasty) And no, I don’t know how to explain it. I just beat it until it was yellowish brownish. (Holy crap that sounds dirty…and I like it!) Good description? No? Oh well…now add in your eggs until it’s all combined. The recipe said “light and fluffy”. I still don’t know what the hell that means. When I think light and fluffy, I think of my midsection after having a baby. Or maybe that’s bread dough. Nevermind.

Mix in your flour, baking soda and salt. If you’re using a hand mixer or a stand mixer, do yourself a favor and start it on a low speed. You put flour in a mixer and start that shit on high…you’re gonna use words like “holy shit” and “fuck that”. Trust me. But once it’s mixed, stir in by hand your chocolate chips. Now, if you’re miss fancy pants or mister Alton Brown-like, go ahead and stir in some toffee chips or toasted walnuts or some crazy bullshit like that. But I’m keeping my dough simple.

Drop about a 2 teaspoon dollop of dough on your baking sheet about 2 inches apart. These bitches are gonna spread out while they bake. You don’t want them cooking together. You’ll look like a dumbass if they do.

Bake them for about 7-8 minutes. Yes, I said 7-8. Why? Because I like to under cook mine. Why? Because the sugar in those little fuckers are gonna continue to cook after you pull them out of the oven. And I fucking hate crispy chocolate chip cookies. If they start to get brown on the edges, you’re fucked. Don’t. Overcook. Now, enjoy and stuff your pie hole people.

Quiche...but not really.

Okay, so this one is gonna be clean. Why? Because I had to submit this recipe to the PTA for a Recipe for Success cookbook for the teachers. Booooooring. I know. But it’s for the teachers. I’ll suck it up this once. (I could totally put a tasteless joke right here. But I won’t. But I think I just did.)

Quiche…sort of.

There’s no dramatic crust to make or anything like that. I mean, you’re cheating because you’re using Bisquick, but I don’t judge, so you’ll be fine.

Stuff you’ll need:

(I hope you have this hanging around the house, because I hate when I have to go to the store for one specific thing just to make one recipe. Also, if it has 14 ingredients…I ain’t makin’ it. Please don’t correct me on “ain’t” being a word. It is…so let’s move on.

2 cups of milk (the real stuff…no fake blue skim milk here people)

4 eggs

¾ cup of Bisquick

¼ cup of butter (that’s half a stick in case you’re an English teacher and not a Trig expert. Also, you’ll want it softened. If you didn’t lay it out, just stick it in the microwave to soften it up a bit. Again, I’m not judging.)

1 cup grated Parmesan cheese (Don’t buy the block of expensive stuff Rachel Ray uses. Just use the shakeable nonsense that comes out of plastic jar that’s in your fridge. You’re using bisquick here people, we’re not talking fancy)

1 small frozen package of chopped frozen spinach (Heat it up, and drain all the water from it. It helps if you squeeze it dry in a towel)

1 cup of cubed cooked ham (Honestly, I’ve used deli meat before. It’s not like I bake a ham and then save some to chop up for this. If I’m baking a ham, I’m gonna eat it. Nuff said)

8 ounces of shredded cheddar cheese (First, I use sharp cheddar; mild is for wimps. Second, I’ll be honest with you…I use double the amount. Because I love cheese even though my thighs don’t appreciate it.)

The Drama from Yo Mamma:

Preheat your oven to 375. Spray a mini muffin pan with non-stick spray. Yes, you can use the big muffin pan, it’s just gonna take longer to cook. Just giving you options here.

Beat together your eggs, bisquick, butter and parmesan cheese. Now, the batter is gonna be lumpy; so don’t beat the heck out of it. That batter needs it’s lumps like I need another lump on my tush, but in this case, those little lumps of lushisness are gonna bake out. Just mix it until it’s moistened. Then stir in your spinach, ham and cheddar cheese (you’re using sharp cheddar, right?)

Then you’re gonna bake this until the eggs are set and they’re sort of brownish. Probably about 8-10 minutes. May take longer…may take less. You’ll see…enjoy.

My Guest Post bitches...

Here's the blog I took over today. www.tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com You need to read it. Every time you do, a baby panda bear gets a hug. True story.

I've totally got a hiney tingle for my guest blogger today. This chick has her shit together...

Tamara Lunardo writes the blog Tamara Out Loud: Thoughts on Real Life and Real Faith, at www.tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com. She holds both a BA in English from the University of Florida and her five children, when they let her; she almost never holds her tongue.

"Shut Your Pie Hole Full of Cake and Eat it Too"
By Tamara Lunardo

I used to not care much about food; you could say I was of the eat-to-live persuasion. I never thought about it at all until it was mealtime, and even that was just a get-it-done-and-move-on-type deal. I was not interested in food beyond its basic function. I used to be skinny.

But time and children wisen and fatten you up, and I now have a deep appreciation, if not for fine foods, for food and drink in general. I realize now that food can do so much more than sustain your body. A birthday-cake flavored milkshake can provide the necessary motivation to ride your bike uphill in 97-degree weather; a shared deep-fried Twinkie, more than kisses, mingles souls; a bottle of cheap German wine might just seal the deal on that "one last" baby.

And so, as a foodie not in any official or cultured sense, I present to you my list of rules for a happy life and a fat ass:

1. Whipped cream is best served directly in the mouth. It is not altogether wasteful to incorporate it into an ice cream sundae or milkshake, but, in the event of such incorporation, each element ought to be savored individually so as to not lose its distinction.

2. If you refill your first glass of wine halfway through, it remains counted as one glass. It is advised not to refill prior to the halfway mark, as this will either diminish overall intake or necessitate a number of additional refills, which may draw the attention and disapproval of onlookers. If you are drinking alone, the halfway mark is subjective.

3. Broken cookies cannot be considered to contain any relevant calorie count. Resist the temptation to intentionally break cookies, as this will only encourage small children nearby to follow suit, leaving you with an undesirable number remaining. Instead, handle a few cookies with slightly more spatula roughness than necessary when removing them from the baking sheet; for pre-packaged cookies, simply drop the package with a loud and convincing, "Oops!"

4. Breakfast food is appropriate to serve at any time of day, especially if it includes bacon. Long considered the would-be vegetarian's last hold-out, bacon can rightfully crown any meal. Side it with eggs and French toast or Belgian waffles or good old American pancakes-- you decide the ethnicity of your meal-- and you have what really must be considered an anytime feast.

5. It is an acceptable and encouraged practice to dip french fries in ice cream. The delightful combination of salty and sweet has tantalized tongues in many forms, but only the french fry/ice cream partnership provides the complementary hot and cold sensations as well. It's a four-way triumph of taste.

6. An appletini garnished with an apple slice and a maraschino cherry constitutes three servings of fruit. The math speaks for itself. Cheers!

7. Pizza is the perfect food. Perhaps a statement of the obvious, but until pizza receives a trademarked designation as such, it bears inclusion in a list of foodie rules. Burden of proof belongs to the detractor. (Side note: Bad pizza is like bad sex-- even if it fails to measure up to its high-quality counterpart, it's probably still worth having. "Bad" is relative in either case.)

8. A cupcake is superior to a slice of cake. Given a slice of cake and a cupcake made with comparable recipes, the cupcake-- sorry, I can't resist-- takes the cake. A slice of cake means you've only had a literal fraction of those soft, rich layers and decadent frosting. But a cupcake, a cupcake beckons you to enjoy it in its entirety. "What, me? Have the whole thing? Why, yes! I think I will."

I guess you might call me a junk food junkie-- just don't call me late for brinner. I'll bring the bacon.

Fried Oreos. The devil made me do it.

So, I’m not sure what provoked me to fry oreos tonight. But I will say that it smells like a fucking carnival in my house right now. It smells like funnel cakes and shady one eyed pirates who are manning the tilt a whirl. Fucking awesome. I had to race to the kitchen for the last one. I won the race. Only because I distracted the three year old, lied to the six year old and tripped the hubs who was trying to get there before me. But whatever…

Shit you’re gonna need:

1 egg

½ cup to 1 cup of milk (I used about ½ cup. Start with ½ a cup and if you need more to make it more “batter like” then add more. You want it sort of thick. Because thicker is better ;)

2 teaspoons of oil

1 cup of pancake mix (the hubs was all “Pancake mix? Wth? Awesome.” I thought so too. Very convenient since I buy the shit in bulk. True story.)

Oreos

Oil for frying (I used my Le Cruset dutch oven with vegetable oil to fry with and I really only used about an inch of oil. Nothing drastic. Because I don’t wanna clean all that shit up. But if you have one of those fry daddy thingys. Go for it. Fry shit til your panties dance right out of your stonewashed jeans.)

Powdered sugar

Shit you’re gonna do:

Heat up your oil. I don’t know what fucking temperature, but when I saw the oil all spinning around cuz it was hot, I dropped a little batter in. It started to fry so I figured it must be ready. So, I dipped an oreo in the batter and dropped that shit in and let that bitch fry. I only had time to do four at a time because by the time I got those in, it was time to flip them. Now mind you, they’re still gonna cook even though they’re flipped, so don’t get them too brown or they’ll burn. Burnt fried oreos I’m sure taste pretty shitty. I wouldn’t know because I nailed this shit on the first try. But not everyone can be perfect like me.

Once you flip and they cook on the other side, take them out and drain them on paper towels to dry. And while they’re still sort of hot, sprinkle on powdered sugar. The sugar will probably dissolve, but trust me…it’s there. And you’ll taste that sweet goodness like a mentos from your first kiss in seventh grade. (I was a late bloomer.)

Keep dipping those little shits in the batter and fry fry fry baby. I’m gonna save the batter in the fridge to see if it’ll work for snickers bars tomorrow…stay tuned.